Oh...oh.....missed out something yummy from my post!!! Last night, my sister brought home a male friend for dinner. He's this kinda hunky French-Iranian guy... He he he.. I can't remember exactly what happened but my sis was like looking at me later and was like *wink* *wink* "So, does he fit your bill? " *wink* *wink* I told her "hey, maybe I should take a pix with him and sort of have it lying about in my house and let H find it". My sis then said "yeah...then you can tell your H that oh..yeah... this guy has met my parents. And they LOVE him". LOL....
Later that night... I was just talking to my boys... and commented that "your aunt's friend is quite handsome, isn't he?" ...And S5 piped up "Yeah...He is very macho!" LOL...and S8 kept asking "Is he her boyfriend?" ... I texted my sis and told her about S5's comment. She thought I was joking and texted "What does he know about macho?" ...Ha ha ha... Then my sis texted "did you tell your S8 that he's gonna be your boyfriend for the next two weeks?" ...Ha ha ha...was a tickle... Boy, have to say that he is kinda hunky and tanned and tall...mmmm yum yum....
Now, if you can just get them to mention Mummy's macho boyfriend to WAH Gawd..don't think that is possible...I was just joking with the boys, and S5 started reacting real BAD!!! He started crying and saying he doesn't want daddy to marry another ...(I was actually joking about me, and not mentioning H...I don't know if he actually sensed that it's daddy's that's gone haywire...) and started hitting his own head, and then proceeded to want to bash his head on the wall. I tell you...I had a real fright!!! And had to calm him down. I really really didn't use H as an example....and S5 kept saying that I want mommy and daddy to be together, to live happily ever after, and kiss kiss everyday! Gawd! I really really had a fright. If H really decides to go other way, I really have to send the boys to see the child psychologist and have some therapy.... I already got a name...
Other than the horrible experience, had some contacts with H... My SIL called last night and ask us (boys and I) for dinner today. And I told her that her brother will be back Sat...blah blah blah.. SO, I proceeded to text H to ask if he would be interested to have dinner with his family on Saturday, or perhaps Sunday brunch. He replied that Sat Dinner. So, that's about it. He did call and talk to the boys. Later, he did call again...to talk to me... tried to keep calm and detach... but still not doing very well... Oh well....
Just checking in. As I read through your most recent posts I noticed that you seem calmer. This is wonderful. It's also nice to see that you are getting angry with H as opposed to all your anger being focused on ow. This is healthy too. What H did/is doing is reprehensible so it's good to feel angry (in a controlled way). Helps keep all those other icky feelings away. Of course, holding on to the anger is not good so the time to let it go will come soon.
I'm glad that S5 is feeling better. Did they ever figure out what it was? Also, don't worry so much about what wiil happen with sons if your situation isn't resolved. As long as you are there as a strong, loving mother and H is still involved in their lives (even in a superficial way) they will be ok. Children are resilient.
Eeks Yoyo that head bashing incident with S5 would have been scary. Hopefully S5 just had a lot of pent up issues in his little head about WAH and this was his way of dealing with them.
Trust me it was nothing you said or did ~ you have been their stability throughout this. Unfortunatley apparently that means you get to be the one who they are comfortable with releasing all this stuff.
Hang in there. Any yoyo things planned for the weekend?
Kismet/Flaneur - Thanks for checking in on me and share my concerns about S5.
Yes, I think I have been calmer. H came back this weekend, and I manage to be quite calm and detached throughout. I hope the "children being resilient" is correct... I just want to explain to them, let them express their anger, hurt and then put all these behind and just go on with our lives. I think it's really really too tiring.
Journalling... Saturday was quite a full day... I had my usual yoga class, came back showered and then went to kiddie birthday party, came back home with an additional 2 boys (took friend's boys home with me...yeeeks FOUR active boys in my house!!!) and then shot off for my dental appointment and bits and pieces of this and that, and it was time to pick H up from the station...by the time we picked him up, it was already 5.30 pm (don't ask me why he couldn't get a much earlier flight...or perhaps he was back earlier and have other "commitments". Didn't really ask nor care... too fed-up and tired). Went off to the mall, picked up our pre-booked NARNIA tickets, and then met IN-LAWS for dinner. H was "almost like his old-self" and yet at times, just went off away to have his cigarettes alone. He spoke to his sisters and mother abit...but certainly not like before. I seemed to be more chatty with them...After dinner, we went off for the movie, and thereafter went home. Actually, as we going to the cinema, S8 asked his dad "what hotel are you staying? (guessed S8 was soooo used to his dad not staying in the house) and H answered "Hotel H"...and then called out to me: H: Your son just asked me which hotel I'll be staying and I said Hotel H. Me: Okay..you can take a cab straight back there then after the movie. H: You mean you won't even send me there? Me: It'll be late. It would be better if you can go straight isn't it? (Actually, H did tell me earlier that he was gonna stay in our house...but he just likes to play all these stupid games with my head and emotions. But I was pretty calm and blase about it all... Guessed it's from the neverending nonsense of his monkeying about that made me kinda detached from it all)
In the cinema, before the show started, I asked him "should I get the maid to bring the bedding down for the boys?" (he intended all four of us to be in our bedroom) H: Why So quick? Afraid that i will go to Hotel H? Me: No..just don't want the maid to be doing all these late at night. And for your info, with so many months of this, I really don't care if you go and stay in Hotel H. H didn't reply...and movie sort of started..
When we got back home..not long, H said that he got a text from his friend (whom I am very close to his wife) that he asked him out for drinks and he was going. I said "okay and bye blabh blah" and went to bed. In the middle of the night, felt H come and lay in bed. I sort of half-sleepily asked "you just came back?" ...and went back to bed...and then later in the night, felt that H had moved closer to me, and started to caress me and we ended up having s@x (nope...still won't call it ML) and then after that, H asked "so are you feeling shitty?" Me: Nope. H: Then why the other day's phone s@x you felt shitty? Me: well, the other day I was trying to shut-off and be and was sure that you won't get to me. Today, I totally just let loose and not have emotions control me. H: Oh..
Anyway, he then went off to watch tv....
Next morning..I bolt off from bed because had to send my maid off for her day-off. when I got back, H was still in bed. He kept on saying come sit by him...but I tried not to as I didn't want to have any R talks. H tried to be funny again and then said "oh..I better not, in case when you talk to her, you gonna tell her that we are still having s@x" to which my emotions almost started to come out and I quickly said "I am leaving the room. I don't think I can take all this. I am gonna cry". And H quickly stopped his nonsense and then kept on wanting me to be next to him and then he said "you can watch me sleep. You haven't seen me sleep for a few months blah blah blah"... Again, we ended up having s@x. Then he got up to wash up and then took the boys to the park and had a game with S8. Later, we came back and he entertained the boys with the Playstation whilst I bought brunch. After that, he continued with entertaining the boys and then it was time for him to leave..yup at 1 pm. Not even a full 24 hours back home... I didn't say anything...called him a cab...to take him to the station.
I am too smart and busy-body for my own good. H had repeated said that flights to come home is very full and he can't get flights back for Xmas. I checked a few airlines on their website and saw that there were loads of seats available. I texted him "I think I am too smart and busybody for my own good. Just checked AirA and AirK and they have loads of seats. I could even booked for you!! Bye bye"
Next thing..H called the house and was like "really! There were no seats. If you are saying that there are loads of seats, then you can book for me" Me: Yeah right...stop with your bullshit. I really don't want to know (I was very calm. Not throwing tantrums of whining...) H: Really...blah blah blah...I will book tomorrow. Don't you think I want to come home for Xmas? Me: Whatever you say. ...
Anyway, this visit didn't have that much effect on me...yup…can say that I am rather detached…not even the s@x sessions manage to upset me or turn my emotions into turmoil.
After that, went to friend’s house (the one that H had drinks last night...and she was actually surprised that my H actually stayed overnight at home... Is this a good sign? I am soooo zonked out and tired and somewhat emotionless that I don't know anymore...)… hung around there, and we’ve decided the Xmas get-together will be over at my house….so, I sent a mass-text to our friends and in there I mentioned two friends who would have to be the Santa this year (I have a Santa Suit and picked either one of these two because they have been rather inactive…)…and the mass text included H as one of the recipients. H texted back and said “I will be Santa…” I didn’t reply. Don’t want to…Cause if I do, it would be something sarcastic like “If you can come back for Xmas…” So, might as well be silent than sarchy….
Please stop the sarcasm. Seems like he is trying. I know you're tired. We ALL are tired . . . and I don't mean that to sound uncompassionate. It's a stupid long road we are all on. How about opening that door instead of slamming it shut? Let him be Santa. Hopefully it will be a nice memory for everyone.
Bonkers - THanks for dropping by... No, I didn't stop him from being Santa nor did I say he could be Santa. I just didn't reply to his text. I figured that keeping silent was better than being sarcastic. So, we shall see if he does come back for Xmas as he said he would ... Don't think the door was slammed at all. In fact, it's been wide open till H is free to eat his cake from me and ow. I think this has gone on long enough that H may be somewhat disillusioned? I don't know..but I am really sooooo tired of his talk and talk and talk. So, I have resolved to just hearing his talk (not listening). So, I either say.."oh..good for you" or keeping silent when I can't think of anything to say. I have to say that I am rather detached now. I don't even know how to feel hurt or angry. Just so tired to have any feelings ..LOL.
Journalling.... I went over to my SIL's for dinner last night. MIL was there too. Of course convo revolved around my sitch and my H. MIL was rather funny, she said that if my H and I were to D, she will make me her god-daughter. I actually mentioned this about 2 months back to H, and he was like "Gawd! Stop saying. You probably will turn me off s@x with you...it's like incest!". Ha ha ha. Anyway, MIL was saying that at the end of my deadline, I will really have to cut him off. No being nice, no having family dinners like Saturdays etc. I told her I know..OUr rough 3 person convo.. SIL: If you really want to heal, you have to completely cut off... even changing your mobile phone number. Me: Huh? BUt how would he arrange to see the kids? SIL: Too bad. He would have to call the house. So, if he gets to talk to you to arrange, then fine. Otherwise..too bad. Me: Oh yah...speaking of visitation of the boys..my mom said that H would not be allowed to see or pick the boys from her house. It would have to be when the boys are not in HER house. And I don't want to really meet H. So, (me looking at MIL) would you want to pick the boys up and send to H? MIL: Of course NOT! I am not going to do that for him. Forget about him. Ask him to come and pick the boys himself. You just don't be around when he comes over. Who cares whose car he comes round in. Me: You do realise you are talking about your son. MIL: I know. Me: (Looking at SIL) WOuld you do it? Take the boys to your brother? SIL: LOL...Ask the two boys to take a cab there themselves .
Other bits from my SIL "You have to make sure you take as much alimony as possible. Don't be soft on him. Oh..when you go and see the ow in January, I will go with you. Of course you only talk about money with him...what other things is there to talk about when he is never around to participate in anything??"
Bits from MIL to SIL "You brother..just come back once in a blue moon and spend one day with the boys. Like that you call being a father???"
Anyway, in short - they have been very supportive of me....
One more thing that I forgot to Journal about my boys...
I made a "Headline poster" about 10 years back (before we were married) for H when I was at Dreamworld in the Gold Coast. The headline was "Cindy Crawford Bares All for [my H's name]" and there was a short article that says that Cindy fell in love with H and all.
About a month back, the boys found the poster and queried me till no end as to why is this woman in love with their father. I explained that its just for fun. She is a very famous woman, and she absolutely will not fall in love with your father. It's part of a joke. The boys piped up "why do you want to do it? What's so funny?" and S8 was rather upset by it and wanted to "deface" Cindy. I stopped him and told him that he shouldn't!! And guess what I found under my bed yesterday??? You guessed it! The poster with CINDY all DEFACED. The face, the body everywhere!!! She's got beard, moustache, eye bags, ugly boobs etc etc. Can you imagine what will happen if they find out that their father is in love with ow?? Anyway, I sort of asked why he did it..and S8:I just don't like anybody to love my father. Me: But that is all fake, but what IF it's real? S8: I will kill her... Me: And then go to jail? S8: (pondered) I will talk to her and convince her then. Me: How are you gonna convince her? S8: I don't know. I got to think.
*sigh* Soooo wise yet so innocent.
Me: This is all pretend talk okay, guys? Don't think too much about it S8: Yeah, it's pretend, but I still have to plan and think to know what to do when it happens. Me: Guys...there are tooooo many things in this world. If you have to plan and think for everything, your brain will be too stuffed and you will be very stressed. So, just forget about it and only think what to do when it happens okay. S8: Okay. Me: And remember...this is all pretend okay? The poster is just for fun. Okay? S8: Okay.
(nope...still won't call it ML) and then after that, H asked "so are you feeling shitty?" 
Is this a good sign? I am soooo zonked out and tired and somewhat emotionless that I don't know anymore...)… hung around there, and we’ve decided the Xmas get-together will be over at my house….so, I sent a mass-text to our friends and in there I mentioned two friends who would have to be the Santa this year (I have a Santa Suit and picked either one of these two because they have been rather inactive…)…and the mass text included H as one of the recipients. H texted back and said “I will be Santa…” I didn’t reply. Don’t want to…Cause if I do, it would be something sarcastic like “If you can come back for Xmas…” So, might as well be silent than sarchy….