Kismet/Flaneur - Thanks for checking in on me and share my concerns about S5.

Yes, I think I have been calmer. H came back this weekend, and I manage to be quite calm and detached throughout. I hope the "children being resilient" is correct... I just want to explain to them, let them express their anger, hurt and then put all these behind and just go on with our lives. I think it's really really too tiring.


Journalling...
Saturday was quite a full day... I had my usual yoga class, came back showered and then went to kiddie birthday party, came back home with an additional 2 boys (took friend's boys home with me...yeeeks FOUR active boys in my house!!!) and then shot off for my dental appointment and bits and pieces of this and that, and it was time to pick H up from the station...by the time we picked him up, it was already 5.30 pm (don't ask me why he couldn't get a much earlier flight...or perhaps he was back earlier and have other "commitments". Didn't really ask nor care... too fed-up and tired). Went off to the mall, picked up our pre-booked NARNIA tickets, and then met IN-LAWS for dinner. H was "almost like his old-self" and yet at times, just went off away to have his cigarettes alone. He spoke to his sisters and mother abit...but certainly not like before. I seemed to be more chatty with them...After dinner, we went off for the movie, and thereafter went home. Actually, as we going to the cinema, S8 asked his dad "what hotel are you staying? (guessed S8 was soooo used to his dad not staying in the house) and H answered "Hotel H"...and then called out to me:
H: Your son just asked me which hotel I'll be staying and I said Hotel H.
Me: Okay..you can take a cab straight back there then after the movie.
H: You mean you won't even send me there?
Me: It'll be late. It would be better if you can go straight isn't it?
(Actually, H did tell me earlier that he was gonna stay in our house...but he just likes to play all these stupid games with my head and emotions. But I was pretty calm and blase about it all... Guessed it's from the neverending nonsense of his monkeying about that made me kinda detached from it all)

In the cinema, before the show started, I asked him "should I get the maid to bring the bedding down for the boys?" (he intended all four of us to be in our bedroom)
H: Why So quick? Afraid that i will go to Hotel H?
Me: No..just don't want the maid to be doing all these late at night. And for your info, with so many months of this, I really don't care if you go and stay in Hotel H.
H didn't reply...and movie sort of started..

When we got back home..not long, H said that he got a text from his friend (whom I am very close to his wife) that he asked him out for drinks and he was going. I said "okay and bye blabh blah" and went to bed. In the middle of the night, felt H come and lay in bed. I sort of half-sleepily asked "you just came back?" ...and went back to bed...and then later in the night, felt that H had moved closer to me, and started to caress me and we ended up having s@x (nope...still won't call it ML) and then after that, H asked "so are you feeling shitty?"
Me: Nope.
H: Then why the other day's phone s@x you felt shitty?
Me: well, the other day I was trying to shut-off and be and was sure that you won't get to me. Today, I totally just let loose and not have emotions control me.
H: Oh..

Anyway, he then went off to watch tv....

Next morning..I bolt off from bed because had to send my maid off for her day-off. when I got back, H was still in bed. He kept on saying come sit by him...but I tried not to as I didn't want to have any R talks. H tried to be funny again and then said "oh..I better not, in case when you talk to her, you gonna tell her that we are still having s@x" to which my emotions almost started to come out and I quickly said "I am leaving the room. I don't think I can take all this. I am gonna cry". And H quickly stopped his nonsense and then kept on wanting me to be next to him and then he said "you can watch me sleep. You haven't seen me sleep for a few months blah blah blah"... Again, we ended up having s@x . Then he got up to wash up and then took the boys to the park and had a game with S8. Later, we came back and he entertained the boys with the Playstation whilst I bought brunch. After that, he continued with entertaining the boys and then it was time for him to leave..yup at 1 pm. Not even a full 24 hours back home... I didn't say anything...called him a cab...to take him to the station.

I am too smart and busy-body for my own good. H had repeated said that flights to come home is very full and he can't get flights back for Xmas. I checked a few airlines on their website and saw that there were loads of seats available. I texted him "I think I am too smart and busybody for my own good. Just checked AirA and AirK and they have loads of seats. I could even booked for you!! Bye bye"

Next thing..H called the house and was like "really! There were no seats. If you are saying that there are loads of seats, then you can book for me"
Me: Yeah right...stop with your bullshit. I really don't want to know (I was very calm. Not throwing tantrums of whining...)
H: Really...blah blah blah...I will book tomorrow. Don't you think I want to come home for Xmas?
Me: Whatever you say. ...

Anyway, this visit didn't have that much effect on me...yup…can say that I am rather detached…not even the s@x sessions manage to upset me or turn my emotions into turmoil.

After that, went to friend’s house (the one that H had drinks last night...and she was actually surprised that my H actually stayed overnight at home... Is this a good sign? I am soooo zonked out and tired and somewhat emotionless that I don't know anymore...)… hung around there, and we’ve decided the Xmas get-together will be over at my house….so, I sent a mass-text to our friends and in there I mentioned two friends who would have to be the Santa this year (I have a Santa Suit and picked either one of these two because they have been rather inactive…)…and the mass text included H as one of the recipients. H texted back and said “I will be Santa…” I didn’t reply. Don’t want to…Cause if I do, it would be something sarcastic like “If you can come back for Xmas…” So, might as well be silent than sarchy….

One Day at a TIME!!!