Kim/Kismet - I know that I've been yoyo-ing alot. Just maybe perhaps I know the deadline is drawing near, and am trying to "protect" myself? Things really are not going well overall. S5 got admitted into the hospital yesterday (Tuesday) for wheezing and is still there. May stay another night. I don't know...Basically, I am all stressed out and zombie-fied. Plus I don't know what brought-on an outburst from my dad on Monday night over X'mas dinner. I was actually rather upset but kept my cool...and just let him go on a rampage. How I really feel? Well, I think I have enough on my plate that I don't need some kiddie tantrum throwing coming from a grown-up!!!! He was just sooo crazy!!! But I let him be. So, really really stressed out.... Had another "discussion" with H on Monday night too...didn't end too well. So, Tuesday - I tried to minimise contact with H. When S5 was admitted to the hospital, I texted him "Not that you can do anything, S5 is admitted to hospital". H called and screamed into my ear "What do you mean that it's not my business? Blah blah blah"... I spoke to him blah blah blah and then texted him "Before you start accusing me, please read properly. I wrote "Not that you can do anything...NOT not that its' your business" to which he replied with a meek "OK". H texted again later to ask about S5, to which I ignore. THen he called 2 hours later. I couldn't hear (phone gone real whacko) and so he called my mom's mobile. I quickly went away to hide in the bathroom - hopefullly that I don't have to speak to him,..so he spoke to S5 then S8 and then wanted to speak to me... So, talked to him about S5.
This morning (Wed), he texted to ask about S5 which I ignored. Then he called...I updated him on the status and told him doc has not seen S5 this morning yet...and "instructed" me that I should update him once I hear anything from the doc. So, when the doc came, I sent him a short update. So, that's it...
Basically, am trying to just lead my life as normally and as calmly as possible without dragging into any verbal fights with H. Counting days to January... I am trying very hard to control my anger lately... H kept on saying all that I think of is money. What am I supposed to talk to him about? He doesn't give us his time, he doesn't give us his love, he doesn't give us his attention nor his commitment to anything.... All he does is the monthly $$. IS there anything else that I can talk to him about??? When the boys need a hug, is he there to give one? When the boys want a story, is he there to tell them one? When the boys are ill, is he there to nurse them? When the boys are afraid, is he there to comfort them? Basically, he thinks he IS their father...but what has he done to deserve being called a father?? Just because he pays for stuff?? I need to confront all these anger that I have and put it all behind me...but at this moment, being in limbo, it is not possible to put it behind me.... *sigh* 5 1/2 weeks to deadline.... I just have to perservere and both he and I hopefully can be free... Read in Beth's thread about passive/aggressive behaviour... I think that's what's with my H.... At the deadline, he could say that I made the decision not him... Well, as I have said many times...I will still not be the one to file for D. From then on, I will make the decision to lead my life alone, to bring up my children alone... and to work him out of my life. I think I have enough support to deal with H for me, when it comes to visitation of the boys. I am just sooo tired. I need closure. I know life will still be okay... Funny, MIL came over to see S5 last night..and we ended up talking and she said "It's definitely not the end of the world. You will survive! I've never thought that I'll be happy after the D. But look at me! I am happy! " Plus also my PMA on my looks was kinda boosted yesterday too... of all places ...at the hospital!! I was doing the paperwork to admit S5, and out of the blue, the admissions clerk looked at me and said "You are very pretty!"... It was a woman, and she proceeded to ask me how old I was blah blah blah "wow, you are the same age as I am and you look sooo good!" I have to say that it did feel good to get such compliments... especially I didn't look my best... I've been in the hospital for like 3 hours already...So my hair was kind dishevelled and was kinda sleepy too (since after the bad episodes on Monday night)... So, was pretty good PMA boosting...
Have to say that my short trip to Phuket was also quite a PMA boost... Had a "pretty" compliment everyday too... Had a chat with a girlfriend yesterday too...she actually called me up to ask about S5, but we ended up talkiing about my R and M... and she was saying "you still look quite good".. I think alot of times, it's not whether how I look....it's more of whether if I would allow someone else to come into my heart... At this moment, definitely not in my mind to think about that... Just have to really take one day at a time... Gonna go to the hospital now..
Had a chat with a girlfriend yesterday too...she actually called me up to ask about S5, but we ended up talkiing about my R and M... and she was saying "you still look quite good".. 
