Now, Kim, I just want to say to you that you obv. have worked really hard and have earned the right to walk away any time you want.
Being on the outside of this and not dealing with the daily struggle of trust, which I can imagine is VERY grueling...I just want to say this. 10 months, my dear, in a lifetime, is not very much.
He may not be willing yet to be transparent, but I would imagine this is an issue of pride for him. I know that many books say that the WAS should be transparent to earn back trust, and da*n right, they should! You also, though, have to realize that many of those books are written geared to the one who betrayed and is valiently trying to save the M initially. I do believe that with some of these WAS, many of the ones here on this board, the rules are a little different. We can't get too demanding. They cannot take it. And they'll walk again. Now, that is not to say that H won't come around and realize that he does need to make extraordinary effort to earn trust, but he may not be ready to immediately. I am not saying you are wrong if you decide you've had enough. But I am saying that a little more patience may serve your M. Rather than push to H what he needs to do to earn your trust, it would be better if he realized that and determined that on his own, and did it willfully. I would imagine, Kim, that considering the circumstances of these sitches, you guys will have to get some good counseling. I'd think a good M counselor in which you met jointly and independently may really help you...or determine how much he is willing to give. It would be better if you weren't placing demands though, IMHO. I think it sometimes is helpful to a WAS in seeing that others also view your boundaries as acceptable and reasonable and as not an invasion of his pride/or disrespect. These WAS's just truly don't get it.... Also, repairing a M after an A, from what I read, takes years. At least a good 2. When we are hoping to get to a point of reconciliation, or working towards that...we think it will be so easy once we get there. But that's not the reality. Repairing the M takes an amount of strength and endurance that I think is just as difficult as when we are in the early stages of this process.
Kim, you worked hard to get here. You have not been here that long. Now, I want you to know you have my complete 100% support no matter what you decide. I just want you to be sure you don't make a choice out of exhaustion that you will later regret.
Lots of hugs. You are a strong woman, Kim. I know you will do what is best for you in the end.
