There we go all done, ready to start this thread now. Hey Lisa you were like lightening to post and thanks. Beth thanks chick that is the decision I am trying to make at the moment a bit like you I suppose. I am also trying to wait for his Anti-D's to kick in but I don't know that they will make the difference that is required somehow I don't think so. I think the trust could be gone and he doesn't do anything to make me think he is worth trusting.
It's amazing how selfish these WAS'S can be, they cause the heartache and then feel they have to justify their mistake by continuing to make it worse. Another part of me says to myself after 10 months if he wanted it to work he would have done more by now so I think it is inevitable where we end up, I just have to get a little stronger and then make the decision b/c he won't.
BB, Piglet, Vj, OCkim I could be joining you over there sooner than you think.
Ah well life wasn't meant to be easy they say but I didn't think it was meant to be this damn hard......KDU
I can sense your frustration with your.. rightfully so! The meds DO take a full 4 to 6 weeks to kick in My H had to go on double doses of two different anti-Ds to get the full effect, though I wouldnt suggest it. That came with some side effects.
Your post made me think in terms of time. H was getting depressed/depressed for a year before things got very bad. It's been 9 months since that and his mood is better, but the climb back up is hard and Surprise! the anti-Ds don't fix the problems that got him in that place to begin with. I want to mention also that once he was back to "normal" feeling wise (meaning he could feel his emotions again and start dealing with all he'd stuffed), he went through two full months of extreme guilt and mood swings, just remembering how bad he treated us. He was emotional, weepy, clingy, angry - you name it and we saw it. He had the first all out tantrum of his life on his parents after the meds kicked in. It took him 45 minutes to express some things he'd bottled up for years. So be prepared.. it could get interesting! Not to say my H's reaction is typical - I don't know if it is or not, but wanted to give you a heads up.
So H isn't going to make it easy on you, is he? I'm not sure what to think. He looked you in the eye and that's good. But he wouldn't give you the proof you wanted and that's bad.
I'm thinking you guys haven't sat down and talked over what you need and expect in order to start trusting him again because when he first came back he was being totally open and sharing everything. If that's the case you might want to find time to do that. Maybe in a day or two.
I don't now if you've read this before, but here's a link to some info you might want to consider. Browse around there for awhile if you have time. I think somewhere on that site it talks about how the unfaithful spouse needs to make their life transparent to the LBS, but I'm not positive. Maybe if H sees that written out somewhere it'll help him accept that you're not being unreasonable; that being completely open is what people require in this sitch.
At any rate I would encourage to Do No Harm until his meds have had a chance. If you just have to step back and live and not worry about your M for a while, that may be a positive thing. Have you read Sheila's (piglet2) posts in Pieceing and Surviving? I think you have been but if not you can see how she's gone thru some of the same things you're dealing with. Back and forth on whether she thinks her R will survive. Trying to get comfortable living how she wants to live without chasing her R so much.
You've been remarkably patient and calm, Kim, so give yourself credit and a little love. You deserve peace and happiness so give it to yourself. Maybe H will be along to help with that before long.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Sheila, thanks so much for your thoughts and I do appreciate the advice about the meds. Maybe he has to get worse before he gets better, I will try and keep going but you do get into a slump every now and then. It's a bit sad but I used to still get little little butterflies when I saw H even up till a month or two ago but they have flown away, I find now I don't even look that forward to seeing him. I have noticed this and I guess that is what has me re-evaluating things at the moment......
BB thanks darl, yes I have gone over that Marriage Builders site and I know it does say that the WAS must be transparent so you got that right but I don't know how you force them to, I don't believe you can. You did make an interesting suggestion though so I might go and print a few bit out and show him sort of say I was looking for some advice and came across this.....
No we haven't really sat down and discussed it in simple terms it's been more general than specific. I have a feeling that if I said he had to show me his phone when I wanted he would tell me to go jump and yes I would let him look at mine if he wanted, I have no secrets, well except this board.
In his eyes I told him OW had to be gone for us to work and he figures he has done that and I shouldn't need any more proof. Is he just being dumb, naive or stubborn or does he have something to hide. Who would know??????
I wont do any harm if I can help it at the moment but you know the New Year is coming and this year was so awful that I guess I want 2006 to be the start of new beginnings, with or without H, don't know why it has to be the start of the New Year but it just seems more clear from then...
Anyhow I hope I have answered all you posted and I appreciate that both of you Sheila and BB stopped by with some good thought provoking contructive questions and ideas, so thanks guys.....KDU
When does it start to get easier? I wonder if we knew it was going to be this bl@@dy hard at the start, if we would have even contemplated doing this.
FWIW, I don't think it is unreasonable for WAH to do everything he possibly can to put your mind at ease. I can see his point of view also, but there wouldn't even be a trust issue if he hadn't had a poor track record in the past.
Hang in there Kim. You've come so far. Maybe you can just put yourself in neutral and cruise for a while. IYKWIM
Sheila and P3 give you great advice. Wait for the meds to kick in. I still say you need to sit down and go over boundaries. He may have some for you as well. But it is not unreasonable. He has to EARN back your trust. And that means he needs to be transparent. If he can't do it with you standing there, then he shouldn't do it.
Good luck! I too can't wait for 2006. I also see it as a new beginning! I'll pop a cork at midnight and toast to all my fellow DBers out there - to a new year full of new beginnings!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
My H had to go on double doses of two different anti-Ds to get the full effect, though I wouldnt suggest it. That came with some side effects.
