Ok...the kicking yourself in the butt thing is perfectly natural, but stop. YOU have been through enough, you don't need a butt kicking now....especially from yourself, afterall...what good does it do? What you are kicking yourself in the butt over is....in the past, so how would that be helpful now? It won't right....so cut yourself some slack....and deal with the here and now, not yesterday.
Also, try to not over analyze your situation. Put your energy now towards solving it, not figuring out how you arrived here...just like you said
Chrissy....if you really fear what your H will do out of desperation, this should really be a huge red blinking warning sign for you. He's displayed desperate behavior before towards you....so IMPO, you aren't exactly afraid of teh unknown in this case, he's aleady given you an example of what he might do. If you really feel that things start heading in that direction again break the chain.....get out.
Right now he seems to be acting fairly reasonble which is good, do you think he might agree to seeing a MC w/you? Not just someone to help him learn how to deal with his anger...but someone who can help him understand what he's really been doing to you and the kids and how that's affected your M...how it's affected you, and how it's affected his R with the kids.
You will get through this....and honestly, you are going to be amazed at the woman you will become.
