I'm so relieved and happy for you that the Dr. recognized what she did in you
Some of her words really put a scare in me some were comforting. I am still trying to wrap my mind around what all of this means. There are things that make sense to me in her words but as always the over analizing part of me has its flare ups and wonders about things that don't make it so cut and dry. But I am going to think of this like this. When you are diagnosed with a disease you don't look for the how or whys you learn to except it and deal with its effects for the rest of your life. How you came down with it is not as important as how you treat it now that you have it. So I am not going to spend alot of time looking for the how and whys I am going to spend more time on figuring out how to deal with it now. First thing pretty obvious. Either remove myself from the stress or learn new ways to deal with it. Stuffing it disassociating from it and the likes which are a past pattern for me obviously are not the way to deal with it. But they are natural for me at this point. So this is going to be another bumpy road on the journey but hey at least I know what direction I want to be walking.
This, I believe was a crucial turning point for you.
I pray that is going to be the truth.
I remember experiencing that same thing
Wow. See I have always known that a major trama my cause someone to block out the incident but I was thinking more in the lines of one event one time and major trama. Not little and repeating eposides a day here a day there type thing. That is the part that I find the oddest to except. But I guess it is just a matter of getting over my preconcieved notion.
Having this brought to your attention, coupled with your type of personality was likely to switch on a light for you....and it did just that
Yeah it also swithched on a kick myself in the ass session though. I have sat for 18 months falling deeper and deeper in this black hole of nothingness and why? Because I let the fear of what happened when I tried to leave become a fear of everything that involved my H. And tackling that fear is not going to end with bitting him to prove my point. But I am going to have to tackle it every time to keep proving to myself and my H it has no hold on me anymore.
But as of this moment I know other then in a attempt to leave I am really in no danger. It is all just words meaningless useless words. Empty hallow threats. I know that becoming my own person again is going to surface his insecurities. But I also know that I will not let that fact control me anymore. He will either deal with them or deal with the fact they will drive me further away from him and make what he fears be more likely a reality. His choice.
you are taking that advantage away now.
This is the one part that scares me. You know desperate people do desperate things. If he feels he is losing his control of me like he did when I left how far will he go to try to reinsert it. I am hoping that since my reawakening will be a slow journey that he will just adjust and change with it. But let me tell you that is a hope not strongely based on belief. Tinged with a whole lot of doubt.
I'm so proud and happy for you!!!
That means alot to me as I have said before I think you are a awesome and strong person.
Ok...the kicking yourself in the butt thing is perfectly natural, but stop. YOU have been through enough, you don't need a butt kicking now....especially from yourself, afterall...what good does it do? What you are kicking yourself in the butt over is....in the past, so how would that be helpful now? It won't right....so cut yourself some slack....and deal with the here and now, not yesterday.
Also, try to not over analyze your situation. Put your energy now towards solving it, not figuring out how you arrived here...just like you said
Chrissy....if you really fear what your H will do out of desperation, this should really be a huge red blinking warning sign for you. He's displayed desperate behavior before towards you....so IMPO, you aren't exactly afraid of teh unknown in this case, he's aleady given you an example of what he might do. If you really feel that things start heading in that direction again break the chain.....get out.
Right now he seems to be acting fairly reasonble which is good, do you think he might agree to seeing a MC w/you? Not just someone to help him learn how to deal with his anger...but someone who can help him understand what he's really been doing to you and the kids and how that's affected your M...how it's affected you, and how it's affected his R with the kids.
You will get through this....and honestly, you are going to be amazed at the woman you will become.
Yep butt kicking is of no use at this time. And yes just dealing with the now is enough for now.
Actually I am just not there yet to where I should be scared over this. And my fear is not physical more of the emotional drama he puts everyone through and not wanting to be put in a place of feeling like I have to protect the world from him anymore. But when it and if it gets back to that point I will just have to remember others can handle a little harrasment if need I don't need to protect them.
Right now he seems to be acting fairly reasonble which is good, do you think he might agree to seeing a MC w/you?
Not really sure if he would but I am so still keeping my fingers crossed about getting him to see a shrink lol. I think being ask direct probing questions instead of how was your week what happened how do you feel about it basics would be more helpful in determining his problems and giving direction in what to do to solve them. I myself am going to look back into taking some personal C sessions. Not that I feel I profitted much from the last time but if I am in luck there will be a new C on the company list who is better at helping me then the last.
but someone who can help him understand what he's really been doing to you and the kids and how that's affected your M...how it's affected you, and how it's affected his R with the kids.
Actually hoping when we get the inital report from Heaths exam that it will spell some of this out already. And also open his eyes up a little wider. Maybe mine also. If he was not scheduled to work days that day I would have him take Heath for the testing so the parent part would be done by him instead of me. But I will be more open (deep sigh of oh here I have to sprew my guts forth again) and honest of the situation so maybe that is for the better.
You will get through this....and honestly, you are going to be amazed at the woman you will become.
If I can just get close to being the woman I use to be I am good with that. I liked her a whole lot better then the one I am right now.
