I was sort of afraid to go so drastic into the green family so went for a inbetween what I had and what I wanted and urgghhhhh two walls later I started over with what I really wanted. Some of my wall decor looks totally washed out with this color and some of my cross collection blends in to much. But ahhhh my teapot collection and frog collection and hmmm birdhouses look awesome. Your color scheme sounds nice. But what's the deal with all the collections Lol. It must be knick-knack central at your house Anger or telling him you hurt my feelings and crying?
I do both probably too much. I've been less of a cryer lately for sure. I probably would say I tend to be more angry and express that emotion than sad/crying. Don't they say depression is simply anger covered up? So at least I am getting the anger out which makes me less likey to be depressed overall. Let me ask you how you would react to this.
H and I are sitting on the couch him messing and carrying on. I am in a good mood picking with him talking junk about getting him a inflatable doll ect. I have to pee so need to get up H tells me the best time to pee is while having a O from what he heard. I jokingly say I am not into peeing on my self for any reason he would have to try that one out with someone else and let me know how it works out. H gets pissy because I am telling him to have sex with someone else. (hello I am joking around here trying to be nice build ec ect). How would you react to him getting pissy?
Me good playful mood lost automatic shut down. H did for once ask what was wronge and I did finally tell him that I guess I am suppose to be one of those anal woman who get all upset over the oh she is sorta goodlooking type comment. That I am sick of not being able to even play around with him without it becoming something stupid. Said it calmly and evenly. No raised voices no anger no nothing but simply put.
Maybe I am missing something her but I see no room to say you hurt my feelings. Or be emotional in these type convo's and these are how they tend to go around here.
Ok, my first impression of the couch situation (where both of you seemed to be joking around), was that he was really upset that you were ending the conversation. The fun was going to end when you got up to pee and then you both reverted back into serious mode. Actually, you turned serious and he turned pissy. Probably your usual dynamic. So maybe you could have returned to some of the playful banter in order to defuse the tension. I think he wants to see more emotions from you. Correct me if I am offbase.
Alot of things have been swirling in my head. Not alot of good though.
LFL.
But what's the deal with all the collections
Most of them are small well except the angels the teapots and the crosses. The frogs and such are things that remind me of my kids. Two loved frogs as babies one pigs and one cows so I have reminders of those things for when memories fade.
So at least I am getting the anger out which makes me less likey to be depressed overall.
That sounds like a healthy approach. I either stuff my anger or override it 99 percent of the time. Not such a healthy way to deal with it.
The fun was going to end when you got up to pee and then you both reverted back into serious mode
Not really I was joking with him on the way to the bathroom it was when I came back he was acting pissy and I turned off.
Probably your usual dynamic.
I tend to just turn off when he gets pissy.
I will have to state that I hate when playful banter becomes grounds for a argument so I just disengage in it. When you cannot even pick around without walking on egg shells its not worth the effort since no enjoyment comes from it.
I think he wants to see more emotions from you. Correct me if I am offbase.
Emotions no. Not anger not sadness or anything along that line. He wants to see more affection from me. The only emotions he wants to see are those he wants. He is fine with me surpressing the rest of them.
Things have been pretty odd around here lately. And I am playing avoidance with even my thread here.
Made it through Austin's (S 11) surgery (so did he) without a hitch. He has made a speedy recovery. And you would never know he was shot in the foot within days.
S 13 little incident is not looking like it is going to cost any money at this time. But he has been put under fear of the court and 40 hours community service starting tomorrow. Part of his keeping it out of court is dependent on his behavior and grades. And will run a 6 month course. I really am pleased with this. When S 13 was meeting with the Juvenile delinquent prevention C. She was pretty direct and clear about the fact that he needed to take responsibility for his own actions. Since he tried to waylay her into how it was anyone's fault but his own (sounds like his dad) That it was his name on that piece of paper no one else's and he would the one to pay the price no one else. He for two weeks now has been towing the line. After a long heart to heart with the lady in private and much embarrassment for the second time in one day spilling out the details of our home life for the second time in one day. She also ordered a full psychological evaluation of my son. Since his that morning diagnosis of ADHD was based solely on questionnaires and a brief consult with a regular Ped doctor. This will happen on the 7th. I also asked her if she could order myself and his father to undergo one and she said that was out of her realm of authority. (sucks for me Chrissy was looking for BB'S easy button on that one).
Ah my sons ADHD testing now that was a pure shocker for me. We had an appointment scheduled early morning since it was to take 2 hours. And he had the other place to be later that afternoon. Yeah 4 hours it took. Not because of my son but because of something he brought up from clear out of the blue. We were 2/3s of the way through it. And just from no where my S brings up a time when I almost ODed a year or so ago. I vaguely remember any of it. And how one day I was so out of it that I was cutting my self without even realizing it. Oh I was so put in a place to have to explain. I had to tell it all the guns the threats the life within my household the fear all of it. And how I remember parts but other parts are vague and not like real memories but like I know it but it happened to someone else. She continued my sons review then when it was over asked him to leave the room. She then turned to me and said I am not worried about your son I am worried about you. We spoke in length about why I stay and she said it was out of resignation/responsilbilty and it was not healthy. (Okay no shocker.) But she also told me something else that was new to me. The way I vaguely to just plain do not remember days at a time and the way I have always thought I detach from things is not quite the right answers. Stress blackouts when a mind has handled all the stress it can it will override itself and block things out. A person cannot control this. Days even weeks to months at a time it is called some form of traumatic amnesia (spelling). And it would explain why the memories are so disjointed and detached. It sorta makes sense to me then again not. Don't know if anyone else has ever heard of this?
All in toll it was a terrible day out of my life. Though hopefully good will come out of for my son. Odd how I sit and tell you all so much about me but to do it face to face twice in one day was so humiliating and mind boggling.
When I came home I gave Richie a quick summary of my day. And my stress was apparent with the fact I had a major migraine by the time I got here. H did not ask for an explanation of why the doctor was more concerned about me then S 13. But that coupled with the fact that I informed him that after his evaluation she will determine what is best for S 13 and this could include being put in foster care or a boot camp or just the monitoring she is doing. Depending on how much harm she feels his home life is causing him. And or what form of personality issues they find he has. All this on the tail end of my telling/asking him to go be evaluated and his mother standing behind me on this. And a few other little things that have happened recently my H has had a shift in attitude lately.
The cussing and yelling are down to an all time low in our house. And H is taking his meds daily. Not gonna say it is life terrific but better then the day before all this happened.
I really have no fear that my S 13 will be taken away from me. She is doing what I asked her to. To put our backs against a wall. (See BF I am willing to give up/share control when and if it is for the better of my kids.)
So between what myself and this C and myself and my sons peds talked about and what the said to me. I have really had a lot to think about lately.
Now the control thing. Ahh I have been pondering that for quite some time. Along with my H's manipulation and control issues.
I have developed this need to prove to my H that he cannot manipulate me through threats anymore. That they are worthless to me and only work in his mind. And his threats of violence no longer threaten/scare me either.
Okay now I know BF is going to say I am acting to much like a man. And others may just think I am wack. (Tee eh like no one already thinks this.)
But I have been proving to him lately that his words are A. meaningless and B. hold no control over me.
How by plain out calling his bluffs. And oh one little physical thing that you all will think terrible. And one oh so real conversation.
The conversation basic run down we were in bed and talking after days of me telling him I had all the control. I did not believe what he was saying ect. I told H I knew he would never leave me ect. H told me not to be so confident because he was tired of watching me sit her wasting away to nothing (not physical form) And not wanting to do anything even work. I bite the bullet and let it all out. The reasons I do nothing not even work is because it is easier then dealing with him and his jealousy and all the crap. It was easier for me to just become a nothing then to have to fight him all the time. He resisted this at first. But ended up excepting it. I also explained to him that I had no fear of him ever leaving pretty much even if I never showered again. Not confidence just his words and actions never are the same. So I no longer have any fear of them.
H told me he saw us getting along better after the kids were gone. I told him I did not see us together once the kids were gone. And if we were it would be like my Mom and dad. Where they are both lifeless and miserable. H was not impressed with this. The convo went good no yelling no fighting nothing. Actual adult conversation type thing going on there. Very rare around here.
That will give you the jest of how I have been confronting his control and threat thing.
Now the physical thing. I wanted to prove to him once and for all I am not afraid of him (okay and maybe myself to) So one day while we were sitting on the couch his arm happened to cross my mouth and I clamped on (mighty tender spot) H told me to let go. I said no you wont do anything about it so why should I. He said he would hit me and I laughed and said no you wont and clamped harder. This went on for a good 10 minutes and by the time I let go my teeth were just about meeting. H asked me afterwards what I would have done had he hit me. I told him go to the hospital I am sure. But what would you have done if you hit me. He said nothing. I said yes you would you would apologize up the ass for days and try to make it up to me. He said he would not. I just looked him straight in the eyes and said really. That's not what the past actions says. But not to worry I knew he would not hit me his threat was just words and even if I thought he would followed up on them they still did scare me enough to react to them.
H has not been unjustly rude to me nor threatened me even verbally implied something that he now knows I know he wont back up. Talk about peace around here the last week or so. I have not been cussed I have not had to protect and serve my children or others on a daily basis.
Guys I really think the resurrection of Chrissy thing is about to kick in full swing because I am no longer being imprisoned by own fear. And I am letting it be known.
And BF I owe a lot of this to you. Though I am sure this is not what you had in mind when you started telling me I had to much power. But I really did not know I did. I felt totally disempowered. Trapped in my life. But now I feel like one day soon I will either decide it is time to be done with this and have the strength make it through the storm so to say or that I want to be here with my H. Not that I feel like I have to be, trapped and scared like I have for the last 5 years.
By the way I am flying home to see my grama on the 13th who is in a nursing home right now. As she has gotten worse I have felt unable to do anything about seeing her because of H. I know if I don't see her before she dies I will A. hate myself for being so weak and letting another control me. B. Hate my H for the rest of my life. So I am going period end of story. H has not said much which lets me know he is stewing on it and I know H will make it 7 days of hell while I am gone and goodness knows how much when I get back. But they will only be meaningless words sprewing out of his mouth so what's to fear from that aye? And anyone begrudging there spouse a chance to see there ailing grandparent who raised them for 5 years before they die because of there own pettiness is really not much of a person to fear losing in my book.
Chrissy... I am smiling for you. You will have good and bad days, but hold onto this feeling of empowerment...it really suits you...and is good for the kids.
Ok...have a few minutes to respond to this. I'm so relieved and happy for you that the Dr. recognized what she did in you. This, I believe was a crucial turning point for you. I believe you needed someone to explain to you how the brain handles stress like you have been experiencing. It's your body's way of protecting you. It is also I believe why so many abused people can convince themselves things aren't so bad....because their mind helps them to not remember many things...or it clouds the memory so that you aren't sure really what did happen...I remember experiencing that same thing.
Having this brought to your attention, coupled with your type of personality was likely to switch on a light for you....and it did just that. Fear is a powerful master to someone who has been through things like you have....and abusers use that fear to their advantage, you are taking that advantage away now.
You are absolutely going to amaze yourself at the strength you are gong to find you have.
Thank you! Yes I know that it is not over yet. I just have to remember they are only words and even if he follows up with actions. I still have the power to control the next step.
