Stigmata,

good points to Chrissy, just want to quote a couple.

Quote:

Self-aggrandizing and hyperbole over accomplishments is a cornerstone of insecurity and low self-esteem. It explains his anger........if your H does have something he's proud he accomplished, even if it seems small to him or to you etc., it is important for you to reinforce your admiration of his accomplishments through positive affirmation/validation. He seems like a guy who is really desperately needy of being bolstered by OP. Again, he can't seem to get affirmation from inside himself b/c he isn't happy with himself



chrissy, did you notice my -self aggrandizing overly emotional at the beginning- reply to you? Right after Stig posted this.
You gave me one of your Chrissy patented expressionless- unaffected by my inconsideration, remarks, and it left me with no choice then to try and supplicate you with entertaining Monkey and self promotion type behaivior. Look familiar?

This it what I have been talking about commenting on your testing. So with a little help from my friend Stig I demonstrated failing your 'test' tremendously. (I love this guy, ) What did you think of my test failure?

I think your boundary control is absoultely vital for your mental health, and a beginning toward a different R dynamic. But please consider your normal responsiveness to your H. Since his ego is so low, do you give him WOA, for the various things you have mentioned to us, like he always works, he is a good dad, plays with the boys, gives you a break from them etc.

Do you tell him this stuff? Do you appreciate his efforts? sometimes it seems as if you cant show him this appreciation, not even to buy yourself a shirt, or a pair of shoes, to PROVE to him that you dont NEED him. IF you were to buy things for you with his? (no its the familys.) money, how would thanking him make you feel?

Do you see what I am saying about your CONTROL hurting the R now?

Also, you have mentioned physical threats when you threatened to WA and over the top threats of suicide from him. Check out the infidelity boards, he isnt the first to lose him mind over a WAW.
Has he ever actually laid a violent hand on you though?

Sometimes when you describe your interactions I see a good guy. Depressed, maybe doesnt like his job, in lust with his wife, needs her for a lot, (but you need him for a lot too) goes out of his mind when he might lose her, but not an abusive monster like XH.

I really dont think you would stick around in that type of sitch again. Correct me if I am wrong.

S14 finally turned to his dad and said no one was cheated he lost he really got pinned and that the boy was just better then him and he allowed to boy to get the get the better of him so it was fair.

You and your H seem to be raising a fair minded kid. good sportsmanship attitude.

H had the perfect opportunity to actually just have a conversation and learn about each other you know that sharing dreams/wants thing.

Here was the perfect opportunity for you to talk to your H and tell him what you would do with it. We didnt ask you what yours was, but you felt completely ok with sharing it with us. Why test your H to see if he will fill this need?
I saw you mention this before, you open the door to him filling your need you said. Why not just allow him to fill it by talking to him and telling him this stuff. I think you asked, knew he wouldnt return the asking, tested him and of course he failed as you predicted. Not fair chrissy. When dating yes. Not in a Marriage.
He doest open the door to you filling his need for sex. he initiates and just has sex. with you. because he wants you not some OW.

A-HA more thoughts.

that both woman he took up with last year had abusive spouses and he gave them the impression of being there hero via support and validation of there concerns

so he was the hero. These women validated him. Gave him WOA?, looked up to him? appreciated his efforts?
Just like your EA, listened to you talking about your dreames and wishes? checked up on your well being? Was thoughtful and caring?

I suggested before, you have the inner motivation to go on adventures and try new things. you have the desire to talk about the future and dreams etc. He does too obviously, he had ideas, he chatted (one need) about going on adventures to PARIS (another need) in a trailer. Now thats adventurous. Need one of those new waterproof Jeeps I see them advertising on the telly. he was open to chatting with you about it.
That is what YOU bring to the R. I dont see where you H fights you on these things, or negates them. He brings his part to the R, things that you do need, stability, security, family, financial (currently). So bring what is in you. Think of adventures, and plan them. I BET he will go. Tell him about what you would do with 10 mill during pillow talk and I bet he will listen. You are the magician, he is the King. Dont lose yourself so much that you become a irratable, false Queen. Women do this too often. They lose themselves, and mirror their H's and stop bringing their personal internal energy to the M. Dont set him up to fail and then be unattracted because he has a supplicating, placating response. Thats perfectly typical. Normal.

Bring your half, and appreciate the half that he brings.

He can put on the airs in the public eye. Which makes me think he knows his behavior stinks.

I think every single human alive stops appreciating what they have, and filters out, the everyday.

Its called being taken for granted. Sometimes you have to throw a little fireworks and coldwater in to get appreciation back. Not more unresponsive blandness.

So about that attraction...

Tell me about him when you first met. Not 20/20 hindsite chrissy. Tell me what you saw and how you felt then.
Or would you like me to suppose/guess? I was going to but want to hear it in woman speak. Your choice.

Ill probably snicker at you though.


He finally said he was getting tired of the way everyone treats him (yep thats right) and he was not gonna take it much longer

His feelings. They are valid. Everyone has probably heard the adage, 'If she aint happy, you aint happy.'

Well as my x so astutely pointed out during one of our good momments during the reconcil, 'If he aint happy, she aint happy.' Goes both ways.

If pressed, I'm sure I could find myself exhibiting indications for 30 different "disorders." this one made me laugh. While reading the Bi polar website I found a few things

Yes when I am extremeist I am bi polar. when I am 'acting' attractive, and going after women, men think I am NPD. (I think there just jealous. )
When I am being left by my WAW, I have abandonment issues. Or she left me becuase I have abandonment issues...... GEL

We all have issues, and those issues are exacerbated by the strong emotions we have during R/M strife.
Thats why being emotionally non reactive.....NOT non responsive--- is so attractive.