Six month review

[Chrissy]

Stig.

First of all, BRAVO on calling your H out

Thank you. When I decided it needed to be done. I was not sure if my approach would work to my favor or against me.
H and I are strained right now. But I think it is more of what to do next running through his brain then anything. Sorta sitting back and regrouping trying to figure out his next move. And I am just waitting it out.

and you checkmated his a$$ via informing him he just gave you the green light to split up on nice and friendly terms. Thanks, H! Oops, total freak out time in H mind.

Yep I think this is the biggest factor in his backing off.
Not that I would deal with him leaving but that he would have no valid grounds to show bad behavior.

BINGO. Found my answer. This is what I was looking for

I see a part of what you are saying regaurding his lack of ego so he makes stuff up or he remembers it differently then truely was. But he must have been doing this long enough to convince himself that it is true. Because he really believes it is true.

But the anger part I don't know if it can be stated it is all about him. I think the anger/always feeling cheated and the not taking responsiblity for his own actions are all entwined somehow in a larger picture.

Example a couple weeks ago S14 wrestling match S14 pinned his opponent 4 different times and the ref did not call it.
S14 won by points but was upset he did not get credit for his pin. Understandable. And he was not the only one so it really did look as if the ref was being unfair.

H went on about the ref blah blah

The next match my son got pinned. After the match my H started on about S14 was cheated the ref was cheating S14 really was not pinned. Blah blah. And started on about some other boys that got cheated.
S14 finally turned to his dad and said no one was cheated he lost he really got pinned and that the boy was just better then him and he allowed to boy to get the get the better of him so it was fair.
H was dumbfounded. (I was proud and gave S14 a kiss).
So how does this relate to my H always feeling cheated/not taking responsibility. The team lost almost every match and my H is the coach. And anytime he loses(as I have stated before video games a bet what ever) someone cheated.

Is he happy with his job

He likes his job okay. But he works swing shifts and that is something he does not like very well. He would prefer a straight shift. He has had the option of going to other jobs with straight shifts but he only has to work 14 days a month the way he works 12 hour shifts. And he is not willing to give that up.

We all need to do this. All of us. We all have to say to ourselves, if I had $10 million dropped into my lap tomorrow what would I do with the rest of my life?

I asked him this the other night. He said he would quit his job buy a camper and travel. I asked him where he said all over I asked all over where then he said paris (sorry I did have to point out he could not drive to paris in a camper). I asked him why paris (never heard him mention this one before) He said he heard it was nice there. He also said he would set up trust funds for the kids.

Okay so here is another thing this supports my H not ever taking any interest in the real me only the me he controls.
H had the perfect opportunity to actually just have a conversation and learn about each other you know that sharing dreams/wants thing.
Most people when asked a question like this respond with what would you do after they answer. Nope not my H not intersted at all. Back to the TV.

But I will tell you all my answer would have been different then his.

I would design then have built the house I have always wanted. I would purchase a small place at the beach here in NC and a small place in Ohio. (To make visits less of a inconvience by totting in my kids on my elderly parents or overcrowed sisters). Then spend alot of my spare time working with homeless shelters and buying them supplies and such. And working with organizations like coats for kids ect. (green light on bargin shopping for me what a win win).
And yes Disneyland and Disney world would both be in my near future. (did I mention the full time maid).

Then after a while I may even open that store I have been wanting for the last few years.

Histrionic Personality Disorder

I did a little research on this along with bi polar this weekend. I came across another disorder that actually sounded pretty close to home with H. But for the life of me I cannot remember the name right now. I am going to research it a little more.

The conversation never took place this weekend.
I was sick saturday. And Sunday S10 got shot in the foot with a BB while at his friends so to say that the timing was just off is a understatement.

I am going to have one big hurdle the shrink. I can get H to go to a doctors. But I think the moment I say he will have to go to a specialist yeah it won't happen. That was not something I had taken into consideration. I did notice on the bi polar website that it did state some family doctors will prescribe the meds. But that C was also required on a long term basis. H did not even finish his C for anger management and it was short term so I am going to have to find a way to make this a boundry without making it sound like a ultimatim. Need sometime to work that one out.

At the very least I thinnk if your H got on some low dose antidepressants etc. it would do well do even out his wild mood swings and temper his anger IMO.

H is on 150 mil of Zoloft a day. He was also prescibed a mild tranqillizer. He cannot take the tranq do to the fact he falls asleep at the drop of a hate and for the safty of the town her works in (chemical plant) this is not a option. Now the Zoloft he rebels against taking a months supply will generally last way longer then a month. He does not feel he needs it (theres a surprise).
I use to nag at him about it but it was a case the more I said he needed to take it the more he was going to prove he did not need to. So lose lose.

Hmm, treats the things (puppy)he's close to like sh1t yet has compassion for same things he's not close to (kitty)? Hmmm

No more strange then the fact that both woman he took up with last year had abusive spouses and he gave them the impression of being there hero via support and validation of there concerns and then hummmmm.
And he cusses daily at his kids yet plays and jokes with there friends or when there friends are around.

He can put on the airs in the public eye. Which makes me think he knows his behavior stinks.


If pressed, I'm sure I could find myself exhibiting indications for 30 different "disorders."

Oh this one made me laugh. While reading the Bi polar website I found a few things that made me say hmmmmm that sorta sounds like me.
You know some days I am happy and refuse to let the [censored] bring me down. Then two or three days later I am totally lost in the endlessness/suckyness of it all. Falls in with those mania patterns if you ask me.

[Chrissy]

IHJ.

Reading the website this weekend I saw depakote is one of them there drugs and thought to myself hey I have that here I wonder if I can tell him it is a diet pill.(he will take any form of diet pills). Tell me I don't have great problem solving skills. Oh or is that problem avoidence skills hmmm I get so confused.
Okay so I am only joking. Well I truthfully have the med. But I would not trick him into taking it.

Thank you for your reply and I am only picking everyone.

[Greeneyedlass]

Chrissy,

DO NOT give him drugs that have not been prescribed to him. While Depakote is prescribed for many conditions, and it is often prescribed for Bi-polar disorder....it doesn't always have the desired effect. My XBF who did have Bi-Polar disorder was prescribed this drug, and with him...it made things worse, it had the opposite effect that it should have had.

I'm glad you said you were joking and that you wouldn't actually do that. But just in case, I wanted to share that info with you.

GEL

[NOPkins]

Hi, Chrissy.

Quote:
------------------------------------------
H is on 150 mil of Zoloft a day.
------------------------------------------

If hubby is bipolar and on an SSRI like Zoloft, it can make matters *much* worse.

That may be why he instinctively limits his intake.

Also, while a regular MD may prescribe the meds, they are NOT qualified to make the diagnosis. He needs to see a psychiatrist.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Chrissy]

Gel,

Thanks for the word of caution.
While I was just kidding I actually was prescribed this med for my headaches and after a week or so wrecked my car. I could have stopped it but it was like I was in a daze all the while and just did not give a [censored]. So no this is not a med I would give anyone just off the cuff or as a lets see if this works type deal.

[Chrissy]

Nopkins.

H just plain out refuses to take the meds most of the time.
This was just another thing he did to appease me it was the same day he had his testo levels checked. The doctor put him on this to help control his anger issues.
(which H refuses to believe he has). And also to help lower his sex drive (which it does not). In the 8 - 10 months H has been suppose to be on this I have had his prescription refilled maybe 3-4 times.

But the fact that he does not take it regularly make be a blessing in disquise if as you say it may make him even worse.

I just don't know how I am going to be able to get him to a specialist for this. He will go into complete defense mode when I say he needs to see a psychiatrist. Those words will ring in his ears as I am saying he is crazy.
(okay so I have told him this before maybe go there and say well hey prove me wronge nah that wont work either)

Really have to dwell on this. Maybe I can get him to say he will do the testing then make the appointment for him and not tell him what kind of a doctor he will be going to.
I don't know I will figure it out.


Anywho got another question
What about ADD.

S13 is about to be tested for it. The paperwork says it may run in family's. The doctor says it may be cause for some of my S13 non stellar behavior. Lack of effort in school even though he is intellegent ect.

What do you guys think. I have dealt with LD but not ADD.

[blackfoot]

Stigmata,

good points to Chrissy, just want to quote a couple.

Self-aggrandizing and hyperbole over accomplishments is a cornerstone of insecurity and low self-esteem. It explains his anger........if your H does have something he's proud he accomplished, even if it seems small to him or to you etc., it is important for you to reinforce your admiration of his accomplishments through positive affirmation/validation. He seems like a guy who is really desperately needy of being bolstered by OP. Again, he can't seem to get affirmation from inside himself b/c he isn't happy with himself

chrissy, did you notice my -self aggrandizing overly emotional at the beginning- reply to you? Right after Stig posted this.
You gave me one of your Chrissy patented expressionless- unaffected by my inconsideration, remarks, and it left me with no choice then to try and supplicate you with entertaining Monkey and self promotion type behaivior. Look familiar?

This it what I have been talking about commenting on your testing. So with a little help from my friend Stig I demonstrated failing your 'test' tremendously. (I love this guy, ) What did you think of my test failure?

I think your boundary control is absoultely vital for your mental health, and a beginning toward a different R dynamic. But please consider your normal responsiveness to your H. Since his ego is so low, do you give him WOA, for the various things you have mentioned to us, like he always works, he is a good dad, plays with the boys, gives you a break from them etc.

Do you tell him this stuff? Do you appreciate his efforts? sometimes it seems as if you cant show him this appreciation, not even to buy yourself a shirt, or a pair of shoes, to PROVE to him that you dont NEED him. IF you were to buy things for you with his? (no its the familys.) money, how would thanking him make you feel?

Do you see what I am saying about your CONTROL hurting the R now?

Also, you have mentioned physical threats when you threatened to WA and over the top threats of suicide from him. Check out the infidelity boards, he isnt the first to lose him mind over a WAW.
Has he ever actually laid a violent hand on you though?

Sometimes when you describe your interactions I see a good guy. Depressed, maybe doesnt like his job, in lust with his wife, needs her for a lot, (but you need him for a lot too) goes out of his mind when he might lose her, but not an abusive monster like XH.

I really dont think you would stick around in that type of sitch again. Correct me if I am wrong.

S14 finally turned to his dad and said no one was cheated he lost he really got pinned and that the boy was just better then him and he allowed to boy to get the get the better of him so it was fair.

You and your H seem to be raising a fair minded kid. good sportsmanship attitude.

H had the perfect opportunity to actually just have a conversation and learn about each other you know that sharing dreams/wants thing.

Here was the perfect opportunity for you to talk to your H and tell him what you would do with it. We didnt ask you what yours was, but you felt completely ok with sharing it with us. Why test your H to see if he will fill this need?
I saw you mention this before, you open the door to him filling your need you said. Why not just allow him to fill it by talking to him and telling him this stuff. I think you asked, knew he wouldnt return the asking, tested him and of course he failed as you predicted. Not fair chrissy. When dating yes. Not in a Marriage.
He doest open the door to you filling his need for sex. he initiates and just has sex. with you. because he wants you not some OW.

A-HA more thoughts.

that both woman he took up with last year had abusive spouses and he gave them the impression of being there hero via support and validation of there concerns

so he was the hero. These women validated him. Gave him WOA?, looked up to him? appreciated his efforts?
Just like your EA, listened to you talking about your dreames and wishes? checked up on your well being? Was thoughtful and caring?

I suggested before, you have the inner motivation to go on adventures and try new things. you have the desire to talk about the future and dreams etc. He does too obviously, he had ideas, he chatted (one need) about going on adventures to PARIS (another need) in a trailer. Now thats adventurous. Need one of those new waterproof Jeeps I see them advertising on the telly. he was open to chatting with you about it.
That is what YOU bring to the R. I dont see where you H fights you on these things, or negates them. He brings his part to the R, things that you do need, stability, security, family, financial (currently). So bring what is in you. Think of adventures, and plan them. I BET he will go. Tell him about what you would do with 10 mill during pillow talk and I bet he will listen. You are the magician, he is the King. Dont lose yourself so much that you become a irratable, false Queen. Women do this too often. They lose themselves, and mirror their H's and stop bringing their personal internal energy to the M. Dont set him up to fail and then be unattracted because he has a supplicating, placating response. Thats perfectly typical. Normal.

Bring your half, and appreciate the half that he brings.

He can put on the airs in the public eye. Which makes me think he knows his behavior stinks.

I think every single human alive stops appreciating what they have, and filters out, the everyday.

Its called being taken for granted. Sometimes you have to throw a little fireworks and coldwater in to get appreciation back. Not more unresponsive blandness.

So about that attraction...

Tell me about him when you first met. Not 20/20 hindsite chrissy. Tell me what you saw and how you felt then.
Or would you like me to suppose/guess? I was going to but want to hear it in woman speak. Your choice.

Ill probably snicker at you though.


He finally said he was getting tired of the way everyone treats him (yep thats right) and he was not gonna take it much longer

His feelings. They are valid. Everyone has probably heard the adage, 'If she aint happy, you aint happy.'

Well as my x so astutely pointed out during one of our good momments during the reconcil, 'If he aint happy, she aint happy.' Goes both ways.

If pressed, I'm sure I could find myself exhibiting indications for 30 different "disorders." this one made me laugh. While reading the Bi polar website I found a few things

Yes when I am extremeist I am bi polar. when I am 'acting' attractive, and going after women, men think I am NPD. (I think there just jealous. )
When I am being left by my WAW, I have abandonment issues. Or she left me becuase I have abandonment issues...... GEL

We all have issues, and those issues are exacerbated by the strong emotions we have during R/M strife.
Thats why being emotionally non reactive.....NOT non responsive--- is so attractive.

[Chrissy]

BF.

Well I finally made it back to go through your post. I see you have posted again but I am going to finish this one before I read that one. So I am in proper mind frame.


Wow how time flies tomorrow turned into 5 days I didnt follow thru on my word. Ick. I apologize.

Actually I was talking about me.(oops almost called you silly there). Though I do love your input. You do not owe me a response so I would never imply you did not follow through on your word. I told you in my last reply I would tell you further about H indicating he may leave the following day then took 5 to do so.

Lack of sleep is no longer a joke.

Hope by now you have remedied this sitch.
Though it sounds like the finances are doing good by it.


The MP3 players yeah now it is hey mom download this and that song for me every day


You are a infidel, in thinking you can handle any amount of stress, and lack of boundaries, and it not cause lasting damage.


Thanks for spelling it out for me. Now about that secret.
Only thing I can come up with is you think I think I may be gay. tee hee


You have an inordinant amount of confidance.

Or I am really good at projecting? Yeah know I was a manager in a call center. Alot of times you have to enforce policies or so forth you really have no believe in and do so with confidence.

Question would a really confident person be sitting where I am sitting? Or would they have ran for the hills knowing that life out there is better then this and they can do better. You your self have stated I have a habit of being attracted to this type of male which runs over to this type of sitch. Pattern forming

I dont know if you know Jungian archetypes,

No but now you got my goat I will have to look it up.
Traditional is boring and this does not sound so traditional.

He let out all of his emotion. For him its over done with. On to the next thing.

Been around alot of men that don't go from on extreme to the other like this. And believe me other men that watch him do this do not get over it after one of his tirades.
Neither do my boys.

How would you rate the effectiveness of your comments to him saying 'What would you do if OM treated me like you just did?'

At that time though he was trying to avoid responsibility for his behavior It also made him stop and think. But will it stop him from doing it again Very unlikely. Unless I do it repeatedly for the next few years.


You arent going toe to toe though. You wont ever win that one, he will revert to cave man. Bonk!

You under estimate me.

You have control, so he doesnt have too. Let go of some of yours, and it will create a vacumn

Where should I start?

Kinda like my failing to reply to you, proved Im not the only one paying attention to your sitch. Gosh I fell down and others stepped up. That feels kinda nice. I need a BB IRL.

I have had great support since I have been on this board.
I have stepped on some toes and maybe it seems I have been avioded. But in truth alot of times I read others post and do not reply until I find something that I can relate to and be supportive of. Others here do the same. My sitch does not belong on this board. I stumbled across this forum and was prompted to stay. Even when it does not appear people are paying attention to me You can look at the number of views of my thread and no other wise. But what can/do you say when you cannot relate to the sitch?
Or maybe that is my over zealous self confidence talking and I really am taboo around here.
Ever read my first post on here you would find
Gel, Honey and Lil have been supportive though not always in agreeance since day one. Cin and IHJ and Mrs Nop have always popped in also to lend there support and give there insight/support as a LD( where is Cin).

Now you my dear ahhh man I do have a unusual banter with on this board. But since the day you appeared I have felt that there is something about you I almost know. I know somebody in RL that is so like you it is uncanny.

Yes crab has calories, its protein 2500 per pound. the butter has 5000 per pound.

Well my heart should be happy I don't like crab aye?
Now lobster ahhh that is another story.

Gonna go read your newest post.

[Chrissy]

chrissy, did you notice my -self aggrandizing overly emotional at the beginning- reply to you? Right after Stig posted this

No I am clueless as to what you are talking about.

You gave me one of your Chrissy patented expressionless- unaffected by my inconsideration, remarks, and it left me with no choice then to try and supplicate you with entertaining Monkey and self promotion type behaivior.

Seemed to have missed the inconsiderate thing. I have never read anything in your words that could be taken that way. Maybe I am use to the extreme so subtle does not even register? I guess my patented response evolved from the lack of recognition of your meaning?

I mean I have had a hell of a week so maybe I am just being doorknob niave right now.

But S10 got shot in the foot. I have been to the dentist almost daily for weeks I also got a letter stating S13 little bout of trouble is costing me some money and a day in court then to top it off D19 got arrested while in another state (excessive speeding while and seems she never paid the dmv restoration fees from her last speeding ticket so she had a revoked license). And I had to put my house up to post her bail. All the while having to deal with the fact S10 was having surgery today. All that on top of having to run after S14 daily for wrestling. (Awesome match thursday). But I handled it all thats being a mom.


Now who's the entertaining Monkey . Yeah that one the one part that did not fly right over my head.

What did you think of my test failure?

Well since you tested me by failing a test from me. I guess that leaves us both with a big red F on our report cards because as stated I was not testing you I was actually the one who never came back to my thread for 5 days. Which left me unaware that neither had you.

do you give him WOA

Yes and no. I give with one hand and take with the other on this one.

Where I can thank him and show appreciation for some of his actions. I also can be very cutting regaurding his personal appearance and mental abilities. I really need to work on this. The mental abilities I only attack durring anger( knowingly) but the appearance I do just by answering simple questions truthfully when he is seeking ego boostering. Sometimes with and or without realization of my actions.



Do you tell him this stuff? Do you appreciate his efforts?

Sometimes and sometimes.

not even to buy yourself a shirt, or a pair of shoes

Odd H bought me both of these for Christmas.

But I do not not do these things so I am not indebted to him. I do not feel entitled to luxury items when I am not adding to the income and finances are already stretched.
I am entitled when I am contributing to our finances though.

Has he ever actually laid a violent hand on you though?

Simply put yes.
Hospital records to back it up if ever needed.

You and your H seem to be raising a fair minded kid. good sportsmanship attitude.

His first match he got unsportsman like conduct lost his position as team captian. I told him I would never go to another match if he was going to act like his dad. I also thanked his dad for teaching him this behavior.
Holden realized how proud I was of him for achieving what he had along with the best grades he has ever had. Since that day he has turned around. He has earned his position of Team Captian back and kisses and hugs me after every match that I attend. Pretty big for a 14 year old.
I am so proud of this child. And the fact that I am proud of him is very important to him. S14 hates my H behavior. He will only begrudgingly play a video game with him. Being told he was acting like him was like slapping him in the face.

We didnt ask you what yours was, but you felt completely ok with sharing it with us.

I tend to tell you guys here just about everything and anything.

Sometimes I write it down just to say it put it out there.
Writting is a great tool to work through your emotions.
Other times I say things because at least people here act intersted in what I say or how I feel. H never really does.
He answered me begrudginly. Though better then the question about if he could have a dream vacation what would he do. And yes I could have just told him my version as I did here as he watched Tv and said okay. Not much of a convo and one sided ones that exist between to people are not much in line of a conversation.

Why not just allow him to fill it by talking to him and telling him this stuff. I think you asked, knew he wouldnt return the asking,


I asked because it was suggested but yeah I knew he would not return asking because it does not matter to him.
Now if it had something to do with sex there would have been a chance he would have responded with what about you.
But other wise its all aaaaahhhh nothing to him.

Why not just allow him to fill it by talking to him and telling him this stuff

How is telling someone who is not really listening or interested fufilling? The walls care about as much as he does about this stuff.

so he was the hero. These women validated him. Gave him WOA?, looked up to him? appreciated his efforts?

Not sure was not there.
I do know that both of them thought he would protect them from there spouses. I have no clue if it was due to his gerth or his words.

I would say that both of them gave him support/listening and advising about the state of our sitch. A cry in the beer bottle friendship.
Again I was not privy to any of there conversations so I am not real sure.

Tell me about him when you first met.

I was a manager in a restraunt. He had just had hernia surgery and could not go back to work at the concrete yard so got a part time job where I was working.
Day one he came in to get his uniforms. I showed him where they were and told him to try them on to find one that fit.
H seemed shocked as I just stood there waitting. Okay let me explain I was so use to employees just changing in front of me at the end of shift that I really thought he was slow as he just stood there and starred at me. Yeah modest him was wondering what he was suppose to be doing with me standing there and in the middle of a stock room that was pretty open.
After that nothing really. Until another employee mentioned to me that he was always starring at me. I had really never noticed it until then. And she would come up behind me for days saying look he is breaking his neck trying to watch you. I found it bemusing after awhile and started flirting/paying attention to him. I invited him to a party one night and after that basically he never left. Though he was never invited to stay. (we were not having sex at first he just never left) oddly my roommate was seeing one of his good friends and he was camped out at our house so there was a easy excuse for him to be there.
Then I got pregnant and the rest is history.

Did I feel all tingly in the tummy ect. No I had just came off of one of the on again off again ex hookups and was not looking for a relationship but guess I was rebound easy.

Did I think he was drop dead good looking no. But he was good looking (had a baby face hardly had to shave). Had a fairly good body shape And was very muscular. He a little cocky/self egoish yet a air of innocents/modesty about him that was funny/odd to me and he was somewhat funny and fun. And he was a great drinking partner.

But H is none of these things now except muscular and on rare occassion funny.

He does too obviously, he had ideas, he chatted (one need) about going on adventures to PARIS

It was more like a forced answer. Oh better think of something it held no depth or conviction of the fact he really wanted to do it or there would have been detail to it. Like when I asked him why he wanted to go to paris it was because he heard it was nice not that he would like to see this or that. Ask me why to anything I put in my what I would do and I could write a book( tee hee) on the why's.

We all have issues,

So far I have found I have atleast 200 and counting.

[karen1]

Chrissy,

Right there with ya on your 19yo. Currently, we have three foster kids in the house - one 19yo on suspended license (too many speeding tix), one 19yo with drinking citation, one 18yo with the same. H has been to court with kids three times in the last month.

FWIW - I think you are an astonishingly strong person. I often find myself wondering what you might accomplish on your own. Maybe your sitch doesn't quite fit but you are an excellent poster. We aren't that choosy about specifics. All of us are just trying to find our way through relationships.

Hang in there. I DO THINK you should buy yourself the occasional little treat. You don't owe sh!t to H - your combined income is half yours too.

Karen