Red hair and blue eyes go well too...one of my best friends has Auburn hair and crystal blue eyes, really pretty combination. I on the other hand have strawberry blonde hair and green eyes...another good combo if I do say so myself LOL
Quote: ----------------------------------- I know there is a risk factor. But I am looking at it like this. Regaurdless if I am the cause of the explosion or sitting around waitting for the explosion there is still the same result a explosion. I actually have more control of where I stand at the time if I am the cause. -----------------------------------
That is the key secret behind why you set boundaries, and you have set some good ones. Bravo Chrissy!
It is hard to choose not to be the victim. That is a huge step for you, and empowering as well.
You did good.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hi Chrissy... I can relate to having a H with a duel nature. My H is a sweet guy...but also a jerk at times. He doesn't do the explosive rage thing...it's more of a " snide comment in the moment" thing, although he is quite capable of getting very angry. Like your H, he will then "forget" his less than stellar behavior...meanwhile I am left feeling hurt and disrespected...and ultimately depressed.
I have to say that I do know when I am pushing his buttons. I am working on staying in good emotional control myself...that's my work to do, to communicate better and not be so provocative, but it ain't easy.
I am learning that I shouldn't just shut down. I want joy and happiness in my world, and he has a wonderful side that I want to experience more and more. It goes back to setting boundaries around the bad behavior...and rejoining him when things are good. It takes a lot of extra energy but it is well worth it. We have talked before how positivity brings positivity, so I try to get back on that cycle.
This weeks example...I was bringing up something from the past over and over again, in an effort to get reassurance from him that things are different now. I should have just talked to him about my insecurity and asked for the reassurance...but instead kept harping on the issue over and over again. He felt criticized ( esp because he is working to change his behavior), became defensive and called me a " blockhead." He has used insults with me before, and this set me off...I retreated. However...and this is huge...later on I did address this with him, set a boundary, got back to what was upsetting me in the first place...and we started afresh. He gave me the assurance I wanted but couldn't communicate, and the next day made a joke about the whole thing by calling me up from work and asking, " Is the blockhead of the family home?" I laughed and that started an upward swing.
Deep sigh... on second thought, let's forget this relationship work and have the chocolate party.
Been trying to keep up. First of all, BRAVO on calling your H out. This is the harsh lesson behind "Be careful what you wish for. You just may get it" He made a really lame chess move (hinting type threats about leaving etc. ) and you checkmated his a$$ via informing him he just gave you the green light to split up on nice and friendly terms. Thanks, H! Oops, total freak out time in H mind. "Uhhh, what did I do? This is not how it's supposed to go down." I could hear his manipulation engine backfire up here.
" His anger is prime proof that he really, really hates himself for something, whether current or FOO.
I agree. I feel part of it is his FOO. His mom favored his brother when they were younger. Which spawned a love hate relationship between them. Most of the others in the family Aunts Uncles so forth all favored H. But I think he was blind to it. Oddly as adults she favors my H and my kids over said brother and his kids. Again I do not think H sees it. He cannot let go or does not even try to work past the past.
But on the flip of that. My H has a inflated self ego also. To listen to him he could have been a professional baseball player football player and wrestler. He was the best at all these things. And he truely believes this. But when asked then why he is not he just gets angry and has no answer. His parents neither of them remember him wrestling in H.S. Let alone being awesome at it. And remember him being more intersted in wearing uniforms to impress girls then being awesome at the sports. But in his mind he has a true belief he was the best. Sorta wierd."
- BINGO. Found my answer. This is what I was looking for, especially the last partIronically, he doesn't have an overinflated ego. It's a facade ego he is projecting. He has NO ego. . Self-aggrandizing and hyperbole over accomplishments is a cornerstone of insecurity and low self-esteem. It explains his anger. It's not anger towards you or kids, it's self-directed. He feels he isn't a somebody without making things up and his subconc. hates that he has to stoop to this level.
You say he's lazy, no ambition? I think he's depressed IMO, definitely in a depression. Here's a telling question. Have you ever asked him what single accomplishment in his life he is most proud of? If he can't answer , it reinforces this low self-worth issue. And if he doesn't I bet his response will be angry/defensive avoidance as this is a very uncomfortable question for someone not proud (in own mind at least) of much in own life to answer. Is he happy with his job? Does he really want to do something else? What would fulfill him and make him happy with himself? Where is his focus?
We all need to do this. All of us. We all have to say to ourselves, if I had $10 million dropped into my lap tomorrow what would I do with the rest of my life? (ok, ladies, sitting in front of tube in PJs eating cupcakes only lasts a week or 2 before ya gotta get movin'). What would H do if you 2 never had to worry about working ever again?
It is this answer we all must strive to reach. It is our purpose and what will make us the most happy in this short life. The secret is, since we don't have 10 mill, we have to find a way to earn a living out of doing this one thing or something closely associated. We have to say, "I would do this for free I love it so much." There are plenty of wealthy people doing just that.
But if your H does have something he's proud he accomplished, even if it seems small to him or to you etc., it is important for you to reinforce your admiration of his accomplishments through positive affirmation/validation. He seems like a guy who is really desperately needy of being bolstered by OP. Again, he can't seem to get affirmation from inside himself b/c he isn't happy with himself IMO.
Ok, now morphing myself back into Stigmata from the horse-toothed Tony Robbins.
" He may either be exhibiting bipolor disorder (oscillation b/w rage and suddenly chatty convos) or there is something seriously wrong with his testosterone levels
You are the second person to mention Bi Polar disorder. Maybe I should look further into this. His testosterone levels were checked about a year and a half ago. And were within the normal range. But I have often wondered(and yes here I may sound stupid), We had sex about one or two hours prior to his test would that have effected the test results?."
- Probably a better T test would have been done with at least 3 days of no ejaculatory release. But following your sitch I think it may be more bpmd. Also, Chrissy, some of your later posts. His feelings of entitlement etc. I hate labels, I really do. If pressed, I'm sure I could find myself exhibiting indications for 30 different "disorders." I think the psych industrial machine goes way overboard with inventing new and different labels some researcher can slap his/her name on (dangling preps today for some reason, arg.)
Anyway, here is one for you to ponder. The emotionality drama, the need to be noticed etc....:
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following: List of 8 items 1. is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention 2. interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior 3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions 4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self 5. has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail 6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion 7. is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances 8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are list end
Finally, good luck with the bpmd eggshell walking if it turns out he may have indications of such via professional diagnosis. I think it was MWD or perhaps Baucom who said there are 2 types of people that will not get better in Rs without serious intervention or medication: alcoholics and people with bpmd.
At the very least I thinnk if your H got on some low dose antidepressants etc. it would do well do even out his wild mood swings and temper his anger IMO.
-Stigmata-
PS. Sorry about the dog. Yes, some dogs are idiots. Weird about the dog and kitten thing, eh? Hmm, treats the things (puppy)he's close to like sh1t yet has compassion for same things he's not close to (kitty)? Hmmm. Methinks when you're at a restaurant and he's just told you to STFU, he's a real charmer to the waitress, eh? ;-) couldn't resist.
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Wow how time flies tomorrow turned into 5 days I didnt follow thru on my word. Ick. I apologize. replying to Your sitch and Cemar, ZB needs some extra thought from me, and my lack of sleep isnt making it come smoothly. Excuses. More ick. besides your posts are so loooooonnnnnngggg. blah blah blah blah. Gosh you'd think you were a woman or something. Mine are short and to the point.
I am absolutely slammed with work. More lack of well being. Wont say no to customers. Well I do, but they offer incentives. Which sets a new precedent, and they are creating the raise in my rates. Which is a good thing. Ive had a 300 percent raise since I left in 2004. Sweet. Economy is bustling they arent joking. Why did I leave? Oh yeah Hate so cal. traffic, smog, politics, school system, didnt want to raise family here. Oh well non issue now. Still work cuts into posting time. Cut the club our for this weekend, but need to head back out in a couple hours. Lack of sleep is no longer a joke.
Thanks for the christmas and new year wishes. Hope your boys like ther mp3 players. Was working, for new years, but drank for first time in months. Had one, or ten? for you. Whew, on a few hours sleep too. Extremist BF. <ego to brain> hey idiot were toasted. <brain> whadyasaaaaayyyy. <ego to id> dude take over please. <id> 10-4 were on auto pilot now. <ego> thanks. see ya later. over and out.
My drawer was 2 dollars off, no bottles broken, lots of happy customers and coworkers. still got it. Friend/owner was muy impressado.
I intrepreted NOP's use of the word infidel as a non believer in a commonly held belief.
I was a non believer in the sense that I arrogantly, ignorantly?, blindly?, resentfully?, trustingly brought in OM in too close proximity and thought We/I were better then that. I dont know why but it was stupid. Paying the price.
You are a infidel, in thinking you can handle any amount of stress, and lack of boundaries, and it not cause lasting damage. You have an inordinant amount of confidance. I dont know if you know Jungian archetypes, but I consider you a magician. Slightly tattered from your overbearing king husband. Which means you are a good long term match, but attractors become detractors. Your desire to be Mary Poppins -popping in and out of chalk pavement picture drawings- made me LOL. Yep shes a magician I thought.
Breifly warriors, and magicians have confidance. King/queens and poets have well being. Yin and Yang. Complements
do I have enough value to me to say enough is enough.
very nice. bravo.
And it would be easy to say hay why not give up what little of myself I have left what does it matter at this point. I have already compromised myself out of a majority of who I am all in want to make him happy and livable with. But I have gotten what? So if I give up what little beliefs and needs I have left and it still is not enough to satisfy him. I get what then?
Good questions. Seems you are starting to answer them, and make a stand. Getting to the good stuff, finally.
I for the life of me don't understand why I could not just get involved with a normal every day type of guy.
This is a direct quote from 'As good as it gets'. Hilarious. Think about the things I have mentioned being attractive as a man, and see if you can come up with some Ideas.
Ill come back to it when I have more time.
Here is a man that can shout and scream at someone then 10 minutes later ask them to watch a movie or play a game or with me then become totally loving and expect the other person to be okay about it all.
He let out all of his emotion. For him its over done with. On to the next thing. Kind of an extreme version of Mr. H not remembering HP's 'transgressions'. We dont have the same brain make up as you. No estrogen making three to four times as many synaptic connections in the emotional memory banks.
Which means its Not over for you. Your H is so..... MALE. The good and the bad. But also as HP pointed out childish. Little boy. You found him before he was finished cooking. But none of us are ever finished, are we? These explanations of why arent a help.
How would you rate the effectiveness of your comments to him saying 'What would you do if OM treated me like you just did?'
Its putting the weight of setting a protective boundary for you, on HIM. While you are doing it.
You arent going toe to toe though. You wont ever win that one, he will revert to cave man. Bonk!
You have control, so he doesnt have too. Let go of some of yours, and it will create a vacumn. Kinda like my failing to reply to you, proved Im not the only one paying attention to your sitch. Gosh I fell down and others stepped up. That feels kinda nice. I need a BB IRL.
You should try it. Small steps. Your H is not a bad apple IMO. very green and kinda sour, yes. Needs salt. Thats what you like though. You have a dynamic, that you have had even more severely with another. floormat chrissy isnt good, and neither is take control and beat back 100 pound heavier, 20 times more aggresive H's.
I know BF disagree's with my methods
Not currently.
But sitting around taking it has gotten me no where either.
Its gotten you somewhere allright. No where good though. Not taking it doesnt mean being being invulnerable. He hurts you. You should show him. Kinda like Cobra is trying to find the balance between not saying anything, to fighting and unloading his anger.
Where is that guy by the way?
Can you change your perspective, and your life learned techniques--yourself even, enough to help your H
This was meant one way by me, and taken another by you. Do you get what I meant now?
about the food, my policy when eating with others is, When in rome, do as the romans. Ill eat pretty much anything, plant or animal, alive, raw or cooked, put in front of me. Except dinagoang (sp?) - suncurdled goats/animal blood. nope wont do it. Still warm heart of bambi? yes.
Rather eat grasshoppers then nachos though. More protein, less trans-fat. just as crunchy.
Yes crab has calories, its protein 2500 per pound. the butter has 5000 per pound.
He would want to see a psychiatrist. They are able to diagnose and prescribe medications to address the issues.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Chrissy... Just so you know, there isn't a specific test to diagnose Bipolar disorder. The diagnosis is made by interpreting a person's behavior, and there are no clear cut rules differentiating the impulsivity, mood swings, etc from a character/personality issue. There are a variety of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers out there, and sometimes it takes work to find the right treatment for a particular individual. The main thing is to have a cooperative patient...and I am sending out hopeful wishes your way that your H will be willing to get some help.
Figuring out boundries is a hard thing. But the real effort is enforcing them on a consistent basis. This has been a down fall with me (even with my kids). After so many times of enforcing them I get to the point WTF why is it so hard for you to get this is a no no. Then give up/get tired of it.
I have decided it has to include everything not just the cussing and carrying on towards myself and the kids. Example H was going on and being foul because he had no short socks in his drawer the other day. And of course it was the kids fault they get into them. I pointed out that when I wash and fold them I put them in his basket and he does not bring them up so it was not the kids fault they were not in his drawer and really nothing to cuss about.
This may be small but again it is the pattern of nothing is his fault (oops maybe it is) and blaming others and getting upset about nothing and using foul a mouth.
The down side. We have already fallen into the mother child dynamic since the begining of this relationship. Again having to do this makes me feel more motherly then wifely towards him.
Seems you are getting a great handle on your relationship. That is so awesome.
I am still looking for positives and trying to bring them to the forfront. It is so much easier with everyone else then it is with my H. Not really sure why. Maybe because there is so much more negative baggage. Maybe because with my kids not only is there natural unyeilding love. I know and understand they are kids who are learning and growing.
I am going to be real truthful that since H last attempt at manipulation via vailed threats I am having a difficult time even attempting to establish EC back for him. I think I am waitting for him to address/acknowledge his behavior. You know Chris I am sorry or I made a mistake or what ever. Well its not really I am sorry I want. I want him to say something directly and calmly even if it is a negative list of I feel like this. You know conversation not arguements that can lead to something constructive. Ahh it is hard to define.
Deep sigh... on second thought, let's forget this relationship work and have the chocolate party.
Can we opt for a pizza party instead? I seem to be off my chocolate binge (its a cycle with me). But shhhh don't tell LFL she will disown me!
I didnt follow thru on my word. Ick. I apologize. replying to Your sitch and Cemar, ZB needs some extra thought from me, and my lack of sleep isnt making it come smoothly. Excuses. More ick. besides your posts are so loooooonnnnnngggg. blah blah blah blah. Gosh you'd think you were a woman or something. 
Mine are short and to the point. 
Which sets a new precedent, and they are creating the raise in my rates. Which is a good thing. Ive had a 300 percent raise since I left in 2004. Sweet. Economy is bustling they arent joking. Why did I leave? Oh yeah Hate so cal. traffic, smog, politics, school system, didnt want to raise family here. Oh well non issue now. Still work cuts into posting time. 
Lack of sleep is no longer a joke.
Friend/owner was muy impressado. 
