Six month review

[Stigmata]

Chrissy,

Before I go and take care of my well being. I just read through your thread. I need to make some observations:

1. As you know, your H is a drama queen. His melodramatics and histrionics are his way of attempting to control you and your household.

2. Yes, as BF noted, you ARE in control. Might not feel like it. You are. You are controlling him. How? Passivity/detachment. Control doesn't always come in active forms. Passive control is just as effective. He is trying to up the anty to wrestle it back from you...which gets into #3:

3. This escalation from him scares me. The gun drama. To me, this signifies the ceiling of his escalation/control attempts. There is nowhere to go from here without a nightmare scenario coming to pass sooner or later. You are both going in opposite directions. Do you see? Your further detaching/pulling away is escalating his need for more active-based control. "I'll get my gun. I'll make her pay attention to me. Desperate man IMO. Do you see? Your passivity is controlling him and he hates it.

4. This man hates himself. Period. Why does he? Only he can face that monster. No C can touch it b/c he's unreceptive. Defensive. Him against the world. His anger is prime proof that he really, really hates himself for something, whether current or FOO. Threatening self-destruction, even if in histrionic fit, is apex of self-hatred. Period.

5. He may either be exhibiting bipolor disorder (oscillation b/w rage and suddenly chatty convos) or there is something seriously wrong with his testosterone levels; ie, cravings for sex, anger explosions etc. Maybe he could get those levels checked though don't even have the first clue how to get him to voluntarily do that.

6. Right now. STOP the "don't" talk. He's irrationally defensive. Charge neutral. Not "Do not yell at me." etc. in your firm/angry tone. Instead, "Do you realize you are raising your voice to me? in calm, even tone. "This situation does not warrant yelling to each other." (including yourself in this defuses his feeling of being attacked. Yes, you aren't yelling but he's too far in his head rage that he doesn't notice.

7. This one enrages me. He is not to tell you to "Shut the F[expletive deleted] up." In any circumstance. Ever. I have never, ever said this to any F and never will. This is disrespectful. The fact that he prob. would not do that with others at the table shows he knows it is improper behavior. If I were eating at your table and he said this, don't care how well I knew either of you, I would put a stop to this. "Excuse me. This is a lady. This is your W. You will not speak to her like that. Show some respect." Your response should be same. Low even calm tone. "I am a woman. I am your W, whether that means anything to you or not. I will not be spoken to like this. I will not be disrespected."

8. You have zero EC b/c you do not respect this man. My god, who would even want to have sex with someone acting like this? You can convince yourself placating his needs is helping, it's not. Band Aid on a compound fracture. And the resentment grows. (damned that word).

9. You are in survival mode, yes. Not living. Feeling like a jailbreak will cause you and your kids certain death via being riddled in the back with bullets from the prison guard tower as you are fleeing is a fear-based R and unsustainable in its current configuration. Eggshell walking will cause ulcers. Will cause stomach cancer. Will cause no well being. Will cause eventual Armageddon scenario. Yes. Correct. You, GEL et al. Restraining orders blahblahblah are useless and only antagonize. In his mind he does not deserve such treatment. Escalation.

10. It seems to me you are too hardened to cry and I totally understand why. You can force yourself to break down in front of him but this manipulation may not be believed by him if not pulled off flawlessly. Wanna know why you can't cry in response to his actions? Goes back to respect. You do not respect him. If he were a noble, compassionate, loving man who treated you with high respect and were to suddenly shout you down or tell you to go "Shut the F[ex. deleted] Up" I guarantee you would be reduced to real, vulnarable, heartbroken tears.

Hence the conundrum. He needs to see those real tears. Only way to really see what he is doing to you and make him feel like total sh*t. If you stay in this R he must feed/fuel/foster your respect for him. Only way or else you're wasting your life. Only way for your tears to come involuntarily. Right now he's hurting you emotionally etc. and you don't care. Only care for children.

Your path to well being and healthy R will only begin when you start caring about how he feels about you. This is respect. When someone we respect really hurts us we cry. I respected my x as if on pedestal. She cheated. I cried. I do not cry over very many things in life.

...arg, this is way longer than I anticipated...

Solutions:

1. I would consider doing this. This man has not a clue as to how he comes across he is so clouded in his mind. You must understand he does not realize the levels of his verbal abuse. So. I would get a tape recorder. I would say/show I am using it for some specific purpose or other. When he starts on one of his irrational tirades I would hit the record button and leave it on till the tape runs out.

Then. The next time you have a chance when things are calm and he is in a placid state of mind I would put the tape on the table with a note. "I accidentally left the tape player on the other day when I was working on such and such. I want you to listen to this."

And you must be out of the house during this. The "accidentally leaving it on" part is to thwart him from rage feelings that this is a set up (which it is, frankly). He needs time alone to listen to it. I'm pretty sure his curiosity will force him to listen. Only when you hear your own voice/tone/delivery do you truly realize something like a terrible lightning strike. The voice on tape does not match voice in head. Who is this monster? Who is this tyrant? Best person to shame self is self.

2. And now finally, yes, finally. The dog. I just have gone through this. I am animal lover. Do not allow him or self to yell at puppy at such developmental age. The puppy doesn't know any better and is vulnarable and confused. Yes, chaining him outside does nothing.

He is making messes b/c he has too much freedom. No boundaries (see? Dogs can have them too...smirk) Sounds harsh but not. You must confine him to either crate or box for most of the day if you have to. It is not cruel. He may whine etc. but he is a child trying to get his way. Freedom must be earned. He will try not to mess in his crate/box b/c he's smart and that is unpleasant.

So. Keep him in there with his toys etc. Depending on his size/breed (toy dogs have smaller bladders) you must take him directly from crate every hour or so outside. If he goes, lots of praise; then right back to crate/box. If he doesn't go, same thing.

It works. Eventually he will associate relieving himself with going outside. The more he is able to control himself the more freedom you allow him. If he works up to a whole room and messes the floor he has not earned that wide of freedom. Reduce space.

If playing/romping a puppy will have to pee in only 15 minutes to half hour. If sedate, can hold it for maybe 3 hours depending on age. Every hour or 2 is good median.

Argh. Enough from Dr. Doolittle. Have to work on self. Think about things Corri said. May go on hiatus again to GAL. Giving thoughts to others much better than talk about self. Giving me much needed break from me.

-Stigmata-