You talk about EC with your husband as well as most men in general, and how it never seems to happen the way you want. Just curious, how would YOU build an emotional connection with your husband if you could (ignore his part in this for the time being).
Your sis is coming to talk to you. Would you ever talk to her? Is R with her give and take?
Yes and no to both questions.
I do confide in her to a point in the last couple of years. But my older sister is who I can tell everything and anything to. She is usually who when I break the walls of silence of what is going on in my life I go to. I think the difference in the relationships with both my sisters lie in our age differences. My little sister is 15 years younger then me. So alot of the times she had not yet experienced enough of life to relate to what ever is going on in my life. Her lack of experience leaves her being judgemental instead of supportive. My older sister is only two years older so we have always been a lot more in sync with each other.
When he tells you to shutup or curses at you, calmly say ' What would you do/think/say, if you saw another man speaking/treating me like that. Would you let him? It hurts my feelings when you do that.'
I will try this. But holding out no real hope. Of course just the saying he hurts my feelings will be a hard pill to swallow but it may floor him.
As of late I have just been bluntly stating stop and I will not take any more of this. Which pisses him off more but he shuts up and just stews in it.
Examples the last few days on his blow ups.
He was outside doing something I ask what he is doing. Instead of answering me he starts yelling at me. I stated do not yell at me. He proceeded to yell I proceeded to continue to repeat do not yell at me. He finally stopped.
again last night he was yelling at me about something I told him to stop yelling at me. He told me he was tired of my mouth. I looked him straight in the eyes and said you are the one always yelling and being unreasonable and you are tired of my mouth in a very questioning statement. He shut up.
Let me tell you I am really to the breaking point of this lately.
We have a new addition to the family that may turn out to be the straw that breaks the camels back and all hell may be on the horizen.
H brought a new dog home. His dog. Though I was against it I decided to not make a big deal of it. I know the reason for his all of a sudden want of a dog is my attachment to my D's dog. Which I tote around like a baby and even allow to sleep with me some nights. I have a odd relationship to this dog that I have only had with one other dog in my life. Any how H seemed to expect me and everyone else to cater to this dog. Clean its messes take it out and watch it 24/7. (which this dog messes in everything and you have to). Okay nobody here has the time or want to do this. So I have been putting the responsibility back on H. It is his dog. Well after only 3 days of him being responsible to clean up after his dog and take his dog out and watch his dog he started treating the dog roughly. And the dog started cowering in cornors. That was enough for me I am not going to watch the dog suffer his abusive behavior. I am now hurrying up and cleaning up after it and trying to potty train it myself ect with the help of S14.
Let me recant I did not want this dog. And oh this dog is a handfull it has bad traits out the gazoo. And now I am feeling like I have to protect it from H. I already have enough on my plate to try to protect from my H and his angery outburst. Can you say stressed to the limit. Resentment does not even come close to encompassing how I have felt about this these last few days. I am angry no beyond angry I cannot even put a word on how I feel. My whole world/feeling stuck sickens me. I could cry but tears will not solve anything. But I do need to get a gripe on my feelings and thought process and real quick like.
Also it is slightly untrue. If you lost your house, you would lose alot.
I would lose alot of material things. Which pictures of my kids and such would be a terrible lose if I lost my house to a fire or storm. But since my H is not a safe haven for me from the world as it is for alot of people (without realization) it would not be a lose of security.
I am not stating that anything I listed would not cause some form of upheavel and imbalance in my life. I am just stating that most are things that can be put back in balance with a little time. So I know I can survive them.
Surviving is not Living, nor being prepared, and it doesnt allow for the higher aspects of living fully.
The trueness of these words are some of the saddest of I have seen.
Have you ever said this to your H?
Like a broken record.
You will never be with a man who caves to your desires.
Heck I would be happy with one that cares about them. And if I ever get out of this I don't see me running to the arms of another anytime in the near future. Again let me recant Lil's relationship (with sex) sounds ideal to me in the here and now. Later I may want more. But being independently together sounds awesome to me. I think I could even have a relationship with my H in these circumstances and it be better. If I could say oh it is time for you to go to your house now when he starts getting mean.
Some get tired of 'the game',(men with being tested) some dont understand it exists, some dont like playing.
The problem is with this I don't really think I play games with my H. I have long since realized my H is pretty simple minded. And I am a very blunt person known to say what I think. I do taper that off within my relationship with H to a large degree. Which I let loose of most held back things last year in MC and while trying to disolve this relationship. And again when I addressed my H and his abusive behavior 5 months ago. I have explained what I mean and given examples until I am blue in the face and short of writting it in blood. The fact that my H made a token jesture of going to see a C for his anger means he clearly understood and acknowledged what I was saying. The fact that it was only a token jesture to placate me means he does not care to put the effort into really changing his behaviors and I am not capable of doing this for him so we have a wall between us.
but you are making veiled references to your 'secret' again.
Hmmm its not a secret anymore I have already acknowledged that I have lingering feelings about a past relationship. Towards the relationship. But I am glad you pointed it out I was not aware I was doing this. I am trying very hard to wipe out any memories of this so I can not hold on to and judge and find lacking any current feelings I have. I am using the method of painting over. When a memorie of how I felt hits me I visualize it in my minds eye then visualize myself painting over it until it is unseeable. I get so engrossed in the painting that what I was painting fades out of mind. Sounds stupid but it is how I put away and push away alot of bad dreams and such. Sort of erecting a barrier in my mind between me and the dream/memorie.
Hope your mouth is doing better.
From what my H has been telling my kids it is bitchy.
But yes it is until this afternoon when I go for round three of getting it fixed. Thanks for sorta asking!
Well gotta go shower and back for another treatment. Dentist are the devil in disquise lol.
This is a good question and I am not blowing you off. But I don't think in my current mindset I could give you a sound answer.
I will come back and answer this when I can do it from a more calm place. I am in a very dark place in my feelings towards H right now. Which is making me feel very negative towards him. Hoping I can make this a quick lived visit to darkland and be back to thinking more positive in the next day or two.
We have been this road before. And I have done what I am doing now I take over. And I take the blunt of it. All those arguements I listed were brought on and me stepping in to show him he is a little over board. If the dog pee's or poops he needs corrected but there is a line. H is a bully but he is not heartless.
And in truth I am going to look for someone who wants the dog and simply state it ran off when I let it outside. It is wronge to lie but I cannot take on much more to protect. Without losing it completely. His last dog is chained outside and now is my sons and he loves it.
I will figure something out. I am just really really stressed right now.
I'm going to have to echo what Lil said to you about your H abusing the dog. Animals have an (IMPO) almost impeccible sense of someone's character...and that dog is already cowering from your H?
It seems fairly obvious to me that he's transferring some of his anger and frustration towards you to the dog, and now the dog is taking some of the physical brunt of his feelings towards you....that's not right. At what point does it go from the dog back to you or the kids physically?
Chrissy, I know you are trying to find ways to salvage your sitch.....but I'm going to pose the question to you again, that's been asked before. Why do you stay? What's in it for you?
Now, I know you've stated that you are afraid leaving will send your H over the edge....there are things you can do to that end. #1 Don't have him around when you leave.....#2 Have the authorities there when you leave. That can assure you get out safely....and assure he doesn't follow you when you leave. I hate to read your posts when you talk about how verbally abusive your H is with you....and you stay because you are afraid (if I remember correctly) that leaving will put you and your kids in jeapordy. Hon, staying does too.
FWIW, I helped a friend of mine leave an abusive situation. She didn't know where to turn and how to get her and her kids out of it, this is one of my closest friends I'm talking about as well. She came back to work one day after her boyfriend pulled her out of her car by her hair (this was someone who started out verbally abusive)....we immediately went to the courthouse and got a restraining order for her, then when our shift ended we had police officers escort her to her house.....where they asked her boyfriend to leave right before they noticed her bruises...inquired about them and then arrested him.
Now, I know you are married...my friend wasn't, so that does make your sitch bit more complicated. However, there ARE things you can do if you feel you or your kids may be in harms way. Get a restraining order or a Victims Protective Order at the very least.....if you do finally get the courage up to leave.
Chrissy....your situation really does worry me, and obviously others as well. I've seen too many women stay in situations like yours and become a shell of the woman they used to be....I don't want to see that happen to you.
Just how long can you remain the buffer between everything else and your H?
Im so not taking care of my well being, but oh well.
Of course just the saying he hurts my feelings will be a hard pill to swallow but it may floor him.
BINGO. There it is. He IS hurting your feelings. Not allowing yourself to say this is TOOO much control.
You are strong. Too strong. You sacrifice your boundaries, and put up with things that "weaker" people would not.
Your strength is your weekness also.
Your current reaction to him is setting boundaries, but its a mans frame of setting one, thats not going to net good results, I fear. Have you tried this before? Did it work?
You have to be a female to his male. You have a serious beauty and the beast thing going on. A king kong. You cant challenge or compete with him, but you need to not take his crap. If you are staying for now, try some 180's. See if you can be more vulnerable, while at the same time, not sacrificing yourself, and becoming that shell GEL is talking about. If you decide to leave, I have no doubts the ladies here will jump in to assist with that game plan. your getting a grip on them is going to lead the pot to boiling over again. Time to start removing stressors.
I have a book I want to send you so email me. It will give you a different perspective on being 'strong'. I wont chat outside the boards with you or any other married female though, OK. Thats my boundary.
I have to protect you poor hapless women from my overwhelming attractivness... Ah the arrogance is deep and endless. LOL.
My whole world/feeling stuck sickens me. I could cry but tears will not solve anything. But I do need to get a gripe on my feelings and thought process and real quick like.
I think you need to let him see this. He needs to know he is hurting you. and you have to let him know it is going to drive you away. Being strong is not your salvation here. It is your weakness. Your using it in the wrong way.
The fact that my H made a token jesture of going to see a C for his anger means he clearly understood and acknowledged
ask him what will motivate him to go again. tears? or you leaving. Tell him he is hurting you. Find out if this is truly what he wants.
Hmmm its not a secret anymore I thats not the one I was referring too. that one never was a secret, IMO. If thats the only one, Im mistaken. So stop bringing it up.
Thanks for sorta asking! Dont need too, I know how the mouth knocks your whole body out of wack. Your gonna be all over from skipping eating, and the pain and grogginess. take a few days. Crying is good for you, gets the poison out, climaxes the emotions, settles down the system.
Let your H see the damage he is doing. Put it in his face. We men are Idiots. Your kids need to see that his behaivior is damaging, too. Stoicly endure, like you have been --girl with the expressionless face, and you will teach them that its ok for men to treat women this way.
Actually he cowers when he pee's in the house. Regaurdless of if H is home. Or when you say no to him in a loud voice.
H is just a little over the top in his correction of the dog with trying to house train the dog. He was going to chain this 10 week old puppy outside until he pee'd the other day. It was like 32 degrees out. I asked him what that was going to teach him. It would not lead to association oh I gotta pee I need to go to the door. Which brought on one of his yelling eposides. Other examples when the dog potties in the house instead of showing him and thumping his nose once then take him out He slapped him about the head a few times then put him out. Yelling and cussing all the while at the dog. When I pointed out correcting him was fine but over correcting was not I again got the yelling and cussing aimed at me.
It seems fairly obvious to me that he's transferring some of his anger and frustration towards you to the dog, and now the dog is taking some of the physical brunt of his feelings towards you....that's not right
My H is not angry most of the time until I point to something about his behavior being out of line. Then 5 minutes after one of his tirades he is fine. Like it never happened. This is normal for him. Example last night H started to go off on S13 I was sitting beside H. I had already sent S13 to his room for his behavior. H keeped yelling and cussing at S13. I keep eye contact with H and continued to repeat that is enough that is enough until he finally stopped. After he informed me he was tired of my [censored]. 10 mimutes later S13 came out of his room and H and him watched TV together for about 30 minutes with H talking to him like he had not just beratted him for all he was worth.
Now, I know you've stated that you are afraid leaving will send your H over the edge....there are things you can do to that end. #1 Don't have him around when you leave.....#2 Have the authorities there when you leave. That can assure you get out safely....and assure he doesn't follow you when you leave.
Yes they can do this. This is how I got out the night of the gun. But are they going to stay posted outside more doorway 24 hours a day. No. Are they gonna be able to go to school with my kids. No. Restraining orders are great. But they are a piece of paper. But they do not put a protective orb around you so the person cannot get near you. They only warn them not to and if they do not listen lands there butt in jail sometimes. Okay after the fact is not gonna do me a lot of good. I have done all this before.
I've seen too many women stay in situations like yours and become a shell of the woman they used to be....I don't want to see that happen to you.
I have already been there. The realization of this was part of my failing apart. I am slowly and mind you I know it is slowly trying to pull myself out of this and become myself again.
Just how long can you remain the buffer between everything else and your H?
I would like to say I have the strength to do it for as long as I have to. But just the extra heaping of stress that feeling I have to protect this animal from his over reacting makes me see that is not truth.
My mind frame these last few days has been dangerous to me since I was reacting from emotion. I so wanted to send my kids away for the day and just take this man on head to head toe to toe and let the chips fall where they may. But Christmas is days away and I am not doing that to my kids. So I am stuffing my anger and putting it away and concentrating on Christmas for right now. And today my mindset is so much better then yesterday.
Im so not taking care of my well being, but oh well.
Why did you answer my post at such a late/early hour you should have been in bed sleeping. I appreciate your input but not at a cost to yourself.
He IS hurting your feelings
A long time ago maybe. Now it is more it just pisses me off. And I leave it out there in the air 90% of the time. And respond from my anger 10% of the time. I wish I was one of those people who could cry on command (my D can). I could really play this out.
You are strong. Too strong. You sacrifice your boundaries, and put up with things that "weaker" people would not.
Actually I look at it as those who would not put up with this as being smarter then me. Which puts me in the end of the scale of stupid lol.
Your current reaction to him is setting boundaries, but its a mans frame of setting one, thats not going to net good results, I fear. Have you tried this before? Did it work?
I have and it works as well as anything else. But it is more of a comfortable way for me to respond. He gets frustrated to no end when I dead on confront him with out really confronting him. When I refuse to engage or respond except to point to his behavior. It puts him in a place of either changing it or fighting with himself/air. In a word it unempowers his control of me. Which is his biggest want in life. To control me.
See if you can be more vulnerable, while at the same time, not sacrificing yourself,
I don't know how and still be truthful as simply put as I can put it.
I wont chat outside the boards with you or any other married female though, OK. Thats my boundary
I cannot email you. I will not do anything so personall that could lead to a link that my H may come across and then start to harrass you in any way shape or form. I will not be responsible for that. But thank you for the offer.
I have to protect you poor hapless women from my overwhelming attractivness...
Bemusement runs through me with this one. Would you like a six pack with that bag of chips?
I think you need to let him see this
Oh my H has seen my tears of raging frustration before. He knows I usually cry out of anger or pure frustration and just turns his head or wants to have sex.
thats not the one I was referring too. that one never was a secret, IMO. If thats the only one, Im mistaken. So stop bringing it up
Maybe you need to point to it so I stop bringing it up because pure truth here. I have no idea what the heck you are taking about!
I know how the mouth knocks your whole body out of wack
Yeah it can make a good looking person look ugly.
Oh thats not what you are talking about lol. They would not finish working on my mouth yesterday since my jaw bone is still so infected and it won't numb. I tell you dentist are the devil. I would have endured the discomfort just to have gotten it done. But no now I get to dread the upcomming for another week. Yuck. The devil I say.
Well hope you have a wonderful day. I gotta go do housework
LOL.