Okay the rest of those questions/comments here we go.
Your not wanting/needing anything is in fact a need, but its based in fear. Fear of disappointment, maybe
Actually I have been thinking that this pattern of not needing or wanting may have started out as a form of conflict avoidence.
In my early years when we were the poorest. I never really knew I did without. Because emotionally I was feed very well by my mother and sister and a network of people around us. Around age 9 that dynamic changed drastically. Along with the maturing and actually forming of self interest and so forth. Well since most expressed wants were met with various forms of conflict even if not directly aimed at me. I no longer expressed my wants on a regular basis. It was not worth the hassle of watching my mother have to fight to get to allow or take us to a friends house to spend the night. Because I would spend most of the night feeling bad for my mother. To me that sounds like conflict avoidence. When I went through my defiant stage it involved running away. Also can be deemed conflict avoidance for the fact in essense for once I did not have to see the conflict my actions brought on. I did not have to experience the forhand effects and then dwell on them.
But your fear of disappointment does role in to the later years of my life. Truth be told. I have never had my emotional needs meet by a man. Not my father not my step father nor either of my husbands. All emotional needs have been natured in me by females throughout my life. I have many males interested in me but it seems there intrest lies mainly in what is between my legs not heart. Which I think brings on my now noticable inablility/unwillingness to relay on the male gender for much of anything on a personal level. In there here and now the few times I try to reach out in need on a emotional level my H never fails to reinforce that image I have of males and there what they are only interest in.
Where does your confidance stem from?
Alot of it is work based. I have went into alot of jobs knowing jack about them and have done exceedingly well in them in short periods of time.
Some of it comes from the fact that I am the person that my family relys on to be the rock and to help them with there problems. Example. Something is going on with my little sister. My older sister and my mom both live in the same state as her.My mom is very aware something is going on but my sister will not let her in. But she is flying her the day after Christmas to be with me. Why I am who she comes to when she is emotionally in need and does not want solutions just a ear and some logical thoughts. Everyone thinks it is something big. I am betting on it actually being just lifes let down. She is 25 got out of college got her dream job got married to boyfriend she was with for 10 years and has already bought her dream house. And has done major traveling . Now she is dissatisfied with everything and nothing is good enough. Down side when you achieve all your big dreams early in life it leaves the rest appear to be a let down. And I think that is all she is experiencing right now. But we will see maybe it is something else.
Also a part of my self confidence just comes from knowing I am a survivor. Alot of people say they do not know what they would do if there spouses were to die or there house caught on fire and they lost everything or if they were to loose there jobs. I don't think that way. I know I can start over no matter what. I know I can make it through it. It may not be a cake walk but hey what in life is. The only thing I don't know that I have the strength to make it through is the death of any or all of my children. That one haunts me. I dream terrible dreams about this. Which yes this is my greatest fear in life. And yes it is totally out of my control. Which scares me more. I would sell my soul to make sure nothing ever happens to them but I can't it. This is the big fear in my life. This is what would truely shatter me. My kids can get mad at me never talk to me again shut me out and though it would be a sad thing I could survive that also. Anything as long as they are alive and breathing.
But saving the best for last. I truely believe I am blessed. That God looks out for me I had the fairy tale beginging to life. I was the child who was born early because there mothers blood attacked them. Who was born almost dead. Who the nuns named and was baptised at birth because no one thought I would make it long enough for my mom to come consious. I was given a very relgious name. And a medal of Saint Jude was hung around my neck all within minutes of my birth. And here I am at 40 sitting typing this with medal firmly around my neck. My three names mean. One annointed by God. One appointed by God. And most beloved by God. And I truely have the belief that God is with me Good bad fail suceed it is all for a reason. This belief realistic or not is the greatest source of strenght for me which leads me to be very confident that I matter. I have a reason and a purpose. And that is self confidence nothing can touch.
What if you were confidant that you could ask for and recive what you wanted instead
Maybe that would lead me to a place where I no longer felt a need to be self reliant. Or maybe it is to late for me to ever break this pattern. But I do not believe that is a bridge I will ever get to cross in this relationship. And I have no real want to enter into another relationship even if this one fails. Maybe something in line of Lils. A boyfriend but still independent. Not 24/7.
I still think you have to much control. But thats not helpful or going to fix your sitch.
One day you will have to enlighten me to what lead you to this observation.
It was one of the most profound you have thrown my way. And I am still sorting through and coming to terms with the various different things the word control my encompass.
It seems obvious to a couple of us round about these here parts, It must be to you also, before YOU are able to make anymore progress with YOU.
Well it is not obvious to me. Maybe you could throw me a few of your cleverly cloaked implications. Or maybe it is and the price to pay is to high so I carefully avoid recognition. Not sure on that one.
Getting pissy when you are not deciphered, especially when you are practiced in the arts of undicpherableness, is not fair. Or reasonable.
You can decipher any thing it just requires a little effort. If you do not wish to put said effort into it. Then you really have no interest in finding out what meaning lies beneath the words or actions.
