Am I able to be myself in this relationship no. On I believe my first thread I talk in great length of the depression and all the down falls of this realization. I had posted a whole list of goals for the Resurrection of Chrissy. I was posting them at the begining of every thread but I guess I have failed to do that on the last few.
I appreciate the concern. I guess I need to state that I do not live in daily fear of my own or my childrens physical saftey. The issues that cause explosions in my house hold are explosions of verbal abuse accusations and veiled threats and screaming eposides. The only time I am in real physical danger is when I try to make a run for it (jail break). As long as I remain here there is no real physical fear just threats.
Until last year I never feared my H would hurt my kids. And sanely he would not. But last year he lost his power of threat of killing himself that had held me for so many years. When he put a gun in his mouth I said give me 5 minutes to get the kids out of here then go ahead and do it. S14 was the one who spazed and begged and so forth.
When the cops finally showed up and gave me the gun to unload and I saw there was no bullets. Yeah it took all that power away from him. And he knows he lost his means of controlling me.
So without that power is where my new fear arose from. The way he goes insane when I have tried to leave I am afraid he will loose all reason since he no longer holds his trumph card. If I ever try to leave if it will be the push into total blind insanity. When he is worked up I do believe he has the capablity to really hurt me and if the kids be in the wrong place them also. I also fear that his rage towards me leaving would brew until not only was I to pay for leaving him the kids if they choose to come with me would be become a source of anger and would need to pay for deserting him also.
CeMar I have no doubt you are nothing like the persona you have on this board. I have no doubt there is much more to you then what you present on the board. The part of your post that remind me of my H is simply put. Everytime you post it is about sex how to get it what about it. People have tried to engage you in conversation to help identify and address other aspects of your relationship you simply do not follow up. Which gives the impression that you either only think about sex or you think every thing else will become perfect if your wife would just have sex with you. My H will only address sexual issues. If the problem is not sex lets not bother to talk about it. That is what is simular to your post and his attitudes.
Now is that how you really are? I dont think any of us can truthfully say yes or no. You will not help any of us get a clear vision of how much effort you put into fixing your relationship. What you have done and what your daily life is like with your wife. We all just know she does not want to have sex,
As for the not having sex but maybe 8 times a year. I feel terrible for you. Heck I feel terrible for HD,Choc,Chrome and the list goes on. Even as a LD I can not imagine not trying to at least make sure I had sex with my spouse once a week. If for no other reason then to make them less miserable. My H gets major crabby even with once a week. Cannot imagine what it would be like if I had not always at least been willing to do that.
