My son lost all respect for my H and the way he treats me/us the day he watched his father shove me acrossed a table and into a wall repeatedly. The day he took a shoot gun and put it in his mouth to bully me into staying right in front of said son. And to put him through major trama only to find out later the gun was never loaded. My actions though may be in jest sometimes are to make sure my children are prepared for what is to come. And are okay with it. No catching off gaurd. And to allow my children to say what they feel and not try to hide it. This is the only way for me to base my decisions of if this trying to keep a family together is for there benifit or is really something that is unbenifical to them. There will be a day were they are all at a place of maturity to realize that I cannot be held responsible for there fathers behavior . I cannot be blamed for any action. And we will have to hide and it will be hard. Until that day comes I do the best to protect them with what I have. The truth and my love of them.
My kids all are comming to see that there dad is not normal. They call him pyscho dad when he is having a eposide as we call it around here. They have friends they see that there friends parents do not act or behave like there dad does. They love this man all of them even my daughter. But none of them respect him. In the last year even his mother has taken off the rosy colored glasses that blinded her vision to him and has lost all respect. She comes here but usually leaves as soon as he gets home. And she stands very united with me on the cross the line and hurt these boys and all hell will break loose war front.
I am trying to make the best of a bad situation. If my kids realize there dad has a sickness it is because it is obvious not by my doing but his. And they can love him sickness and all. But in a effort to make sure they understand this is not how you treat someone you have to be able to talk about it even if in lite jest. As in talking behind his back.I do not see it that way. Okay yeah maybe when they call him a jerk that is. But do you not ever discuss someone elses behavior with your children to make them understand it and to guage how they feel about the situation? A open line of communication. I always allow my children to tell me how things/people make them feel.
Is my H sick? I don't know but it is so much easier to except his behavior as a sickness and to explain it away to my 10 year old as such. It is hard to love a mean person but not a sick one.
My kids come to me for everything. When dad gets involved in the simplest things they became drama filled. But we live a world around him. He is clueless of the life of our household when he is not around. Phone calls come in from the kids asking for me not him. When he questions why Oh they just wanted to say they love me. Things are not talked about in front of him simple things like can so and so spend the night or can I go to so and so's. Why are we being mean to him. No we are all just avoiding his drama. Making all of our lifes easier by not upseting him and in turn getting upset ourselfs.
So if he is so mean why don't I just leave. Well you know all those people out there who you see on TV that killed there family then thereselfs and you wonder WTF if it was so bad why did they not just leave. Yeah well myself or my children do not want to be the next family murder suicide that you read about. Could I be wrong yeah but so would just about everyone that looks beyond the perfect couple image that they see to what lies beneath. And I am not willing to chance my kids lifes. Some peoples love can be unhealthy and be the death of them.
Oh my God, I am sorry. I did not realize it was so bad. Although I disagree that parental respect must be earned as it should be the default state at the beginning, I can certainly agree that it can be squandered as your H has done and must be "earned back". Your last paragraph breaks my heart. I hope I did not offend you. My parent's divorce and subsequent attempts (poor and unsuccessful) to not try to taint the other parent in my eyes makes me sensitive to the issue of parental respect. Perhaps I should do more research before offering up my opinion.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Chrissy... You really can't form too much of an EC with an abusive, unpredictable spouse...you are basically in survival mode. You have made the decision to stay, and are finding ways to make your existence with him more tolerable. The whole relationship has a " walking on eggshells" feeling to it; no ownder you want to mentally prepare your sons about what to expect when you return home/ Do you fear for your safety? Do you have symptoms of post-traumatic stress? is your H willing to seek help?
And while yes in the day and age I grew up respect was a default. For my elders and my mother. You did not back talk your elders regaurdless if you agreed with them or not if you felt they were being fair or not.
I have had some rows with my mother but I usually show her the utmost respect even at age 40. My mother prides her self of this the fact that both myself and my older sister are respectful. But I would say she earned our respect. When young there were boundries and consequences if we crossed them. Punishment that taught us not only responsiblity but respect of her boundries yes brought on somewhat by fear of punishment. But it was taught to us never the less and earned. Later as we got older even my keeping to myself in my step fathers household was out of a aspect of respect for my mom. Not rocking the boat and creating problems for her doing without without complaint. Was a form of respect to her. As I have gotten older I respect her and all she did or tried to do for us. All she gave up in a effort to raise us the best she could.
Don't get me wrong there was a time in my life I was very angry at my mom. For allowing us to be in the situation we were in. For allowing someone so much control over here. But mainly for not looking for happiness for herself. She settled. Now again sitting where I can see it was for our benifit in her mind.She was uneducated and what she sold herself her dreams and hope for happiness for was what she thought would be a better life for us kids then living in a two bedroom apt living hand to mouth and living on handouts.
And what I thought was settling was execptance of her choices. And learning to live with the consequences.
In that aspect I am truely my mothers daughter. With some exception I am not as uneducated and I am much more self confident then my mother is/was. You can kick me and I may go down but I will stand back up eventually and I will be swinging.
I do not believe in putting kids in the middle of a situation. My H by mouth states he does not but by actions states differently. When I tried to leave last year I did not talk him down to them. But he was on a mission to make me look like dirt to my kids. And that my leaving him was out of lack of love for him and them. The games he played with them was aweful.
Perhaps I should do more research before offering up my opinion.
Your opinion is yours to share regaurdless of the situation. Sharring it and discussing it is the only way for yourself and others to learn from it. I have had opinions in the past that others have lead me to understand that maybe instead of saying this is a set opinion across the board to being this is my opinion in this situation. All about learning it is!
What if you were to calmly say to him--every time he does it, "please do not cuss at me or tell me to shut up".
Though I usually will wait until we get home to address this behavior. I have made a point of making sure he is aware that I do not appreciate being spoke to as such.
It usually is just met with a rant of how then I should keep my mouth shut when he is speaking to the boys ect. (which is why I wait to get home so I do not cause the boys or myself further embarresment in public).
After two such incidents at the kids sporting events I now either do not go if H is going or I sit elsewhere from him. And he knows the reason is because of his behavior. I usually drive myself to from these advents also in a seperate vehicle if I can.
Do you think he'd eventually take the hint?
Oh I think he gets my point. Which only angers him more. He will apolize for his behavior later sometimes either verbally or with AOS. But then again repeat the actions. Which leads to all apolizies being meaningless.
I am amazed that he'd think that you would want to be sexual with him, or even loving, given how he talks to you.
He can talk to me anyway he likes to in his minds eye because I am his wife. Oddly with my H the people he professes to love are those he treats the worst.
Yes there is a eggshell feeling around her at times. Oddly when H is not home my house functions like a normal household. It becomes dysfuntional in his presense. The day that it remains dysfunctional in his absense is the day I know my kids are suffering more then they benifit.
Actually my H and his behavior is very predictable. That is how both my son and I pegged his response to my leaving the house with out him. The fact that it is always about the same is what works in my favor. It is actually a means to keep him from gaining all the control of my kids and myself. We all know what may potentially trigger a land mine so we tread softly. And some things we just completely stay clear of if at all possible.
Funny when friends or family call me one of the first questions they ask me is if Rich is at home. That way they know if we are having a conversation about the weather or if we are talking about the kids and how I am. Basically if we are going to have a relaxing conversation or a frivolous one. Not that even when he is not here we talk about anything of substance that he could not be privy to it is just my relaxed and flowing. I do not have to gauge my answers I can laugh freely and not have to explain myself to anyone.
Okay we are now going to a more upbeat conversation.
Cookies I am about to go bake some! White Chocolate Chip mmmmm one of my favorites. Thank golly for school cookie dough fund raisers!
As I was throwing some clothes in the wash. The word survival mode ran in my head. And I came to wonder. Maybe I have always been in survival mode since I was young. This would explain my lack of emotional response to so many things. And why I am big on self reliance and so just lost as how to feel and what to feel that seems so normal to everyone else and so foriegn to me. Something else falls in line with this.
My mom my older sister my grama and my exboyfriend and my ex bestfriend all had one thing in common. It was us against the world. And we were in it together. Gonna beat and defeat anything that came our way. All these relationships formed from birth years to age 11. And to this day are the only people other then my kids I have true EC with. They are who I feel the most open and honest with and react with emotions to. All of us had one thing in common the will to survive maybe that is the basis to the unwavering bond between me and these people. We were allies of sorts and who do you trust and talk to in earnest other then those who are fighting on the same side of a battle as yourself. No one.
Do you fear for your safety? Do you have symptoms of post-traumatic stress? is your H willing to seek help?
Do I fear for my saftey not alot on a daily basis. That would change if I tried to leave. That is the only time I fear for my childrens physical saftey also. Well when it comes to my H lol. But that being said nor do I feel safe in my home either. Or safe from my H. It is hard to explain.
Post tramatic stress I don't know much about. I will read up on it.
No my H is not willing to seek help. The anger management C went no where fast. H never had anything to talk about. If you are going to sit there and say all is good they cannot assist you to much. He stopped going after about 4 meetings. MC stopped because he felt picked on when the C seemed to agree or validate anything I said.
And generally just like a alcholic you have to see and admit there is a problem before you can truely make a change. Telling someone they have a drinking problem does not change anything. Now if they tell you that they have a drinking problem they have taken the first few steps to being able to change things. Recognition and admission. My H lives in denial land. And anytime his cloak of rightousness slips away and he sees the truth it angers him further and he shuts his eyes to it.
MC stopped because he felt picked on when the C seemed to agree or validate anything I said.
I found that to be a problem with my first MC. The structure tends to be an alternating 2 against 1. My W decided she didn't like him after the issues started turning "against" her. Our new MC is a bit better in that regard. I don't know how it would work in your sitch but I am a huge proponent of Retrouvaille. It helped us break through a lot of walls and get down to what we were feeling and the format would tend to lend itself to keeping anger under control, I think. I have no doubt that I would be in my seventh month of separation without that weekend. It doesn't sound like it would be easy to convince him to attend something like that even if you wanted to try it though.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
