My top emotional need. No I have not figured that out. I have stated before that I don't need anything from H. Obviously that is not true or else I would not be so lost in this relationship. I just have no idea of what it is I need of him.
Test? I did the 5 love language one. I did not seem to fit in any catagory. Most of the questions where more of a picking of a lesser of two evils. Then true answers.
Expressing wants when I was a child. I can relate to being poor. Oddly when we were the poorest living in two bedroom apartment with my mom and older sister and myself is probably the part of life I remember most fondly. My mom was a waitress and worked all the time. But on her day off we would go to the mall and window shop never had money to buy seldom went in the stores it was just to get out of the house and our biggest treat was to go to Arby's to eat dinner. We did this about every two weeks. Clothes were left for us in the metal box outside our door. And Christmas trees were sat in our back door on Christmas eve. (one of my moms regular customers did this for as long as I can remember). We went on vacation every summer with a Aunt and her kids (really my moms best friend and bosses wife). Paid for from my mom saving 50cent pieces left as tips for mom through the year. Went to the same place every year. But it was the only time we got to swim and rollerskate and play puttputt. It had its down sides to my mom was very strict. If a bed was not made or chores not done or you were not home when you were suppose to be or you went in her bedroom. a switch or fly swatter was your punishment. Sometimes when she was really stressed she would go a bit overboard. There were times that if she got carried away my sister or myself would step in front of the other one so they could not be swatted anymore and sure you might end up hit a few times but that usually brought my mom to her senses. I never felt abused by my mom. I was taught to respect and obey and responsiblity so don't get me wrong we were not beaten. We were just not given the opportunity to become unruly.
When I was 11 and my mom remarried the dynamics of my childhood changed. No more window shopping no more girlscouts no more vacations. Okay fun vacations. We did go on two one to PA to Gettysburg (where every 12 yr old female wants to go to look at graves) And one to Kentucky via the Aunt(friend) who had moved we went and saw her once. I lived in my bedroom except for dinner time any time my step dad was home. Asking to go anywhere was a major fight for my mom so I just did not. If you wanted something or needed something it had to go through him first and was not worth the price so I never asked.Friends were not welcomed in our home by him and he would embarrass you so bad with his mean behavior I seldom had one over. I pretty much learned to live by myself from 5pm on every weekday and all day on the weekends. I walked in the woods or stayed in my room when the weekend chores were done. So I guess I learned to no longer express my desire or needs. At least in a healthy way.
Now that you mention it I to feel uncomfortable imposing on others. I seldom ask for anything of any one and get pissy with myself if I am lead to where I need to. Even if I really need help. When the kids were little there were a few times that family did something to help out like by diapers or once when our electric was turned off lend me the money until payday to turn it back on. But I always paid them back somehow. My step dad even paid my lot rent once as a gift when I had just had my middle boy because I was behind on it. I sent him a check for the money the next month. I never asked anyone though I would mention something like oh the kids are out of diapers and I don't get paid for two more days this will be fun and they would choose to help. Still to this day when I do not work I do not buy myself anything. I cannot justify spending money on myself that is not mine.
Gonna ask you a wierd question. Are you a generous person? I am generous to a fault. I love to buy for other people(okay when I have money). And will even lend/give people money when I know I will never see it again and it will put me in a hardship. I have been this way all my adult life. I always want to help people out. My older sister is this way to or she use to be. But my younger sister who was not raised going with out much of anything is a tisk for task person. She helps people out as a trama nurse. which is awesome of her. But it seems in her personal life she is so use to being handed things and readily takes things. But if she hands something out even with good intent it holds alot of baggage. Resentment feelings of you owe her blah blah. I always thought it would be the other way around those who did not have would gaurd what they got and be unwilling to give it up and those that had plenty would easily give. Just wondering how you fall in that dynamic
