I agree with every bit of advice that you have been given. I also know how hard it is not to want to prove these spouses wrong in their thinking of us. If you don't rock the boat, or if you are the peacemaker, she may think why did I ever leave this guy, right? If only it worked that way!
Look, right now, it is what it is. She's seeing someone else but doesn't even have the courage to own up to the truth. She made you empty promises about being honest with you, and how long did the honesty promise last?
You can't believe a thing she tells you right now, whether it's about why this happened, or why she's bouncing checks. So then I guess my advice to you would be no different than what anyone else has said before me. Protect yourself at all costs and focus on yourself and your child.
The Holidays suck in general while we are going through this, but I'm sure it's worse for you guys when you don't have your children with you. This board got me through more than a couple of holidays. If your lonely or need to vent come here and do it. If you're missing your marriage or life as it was, someone will always be here to get you through the rough stuff. There will always be someone willing to keep you company.
For now I would try to keep myself busy. Go out with friends or be with family if that helps. Isolating ourselves only gives us way to much time to focus on our loss.
Even if your wife was to do a 180, life as you knew it would be very different. She could never just waltz right back in and pick up where you 2 left off, too much water under the bridge for that!
With time, you might even wonder why you put up with her at all!
I knew the advice I would get would be solid, I also knew what the advice was going to be. I know what I need to do, the hard part is how.
W basically avoids any contact with me, and what contact we have when exchanging D6 is brief. I struggle with how to say "We need to get the joint account closed" without coming off like a prick. I have said the previous phrase before and it remains open. She has said she would do it, but hasn't.
Setting a deadline and doing it myself is the only way that I know it will get done, but setting a deadline seems so harsh. I want to remain friendly, and making demands will put a strain on that. Of course letting it fester and make me pissed won't help a heck of a lot either
So, how to proceed from here? W has not shown that she responds to email, she will rarely meet me face to face, so I guess it will have to be a phone call to talk to her about needing to get this done. And a timeline for it to be done by.
Any more advice on how to phrase my request? Somehow "Hey we need to close the joint account, no really, really, really this time" doesn't seem to hold what I am looking for ;-)
You don't need to have her present to close a joint account; either of you could do it. If you don't, she eventually will after draining the account. Just go down and close out the account and then at hand-off just say in passing that you closed it out.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
JM has it right and BTW, in my case I'm the one who hasn't closed the joint account yet, for the same reasons - direct deposit, re-fi going on and so forth would just make it easier to wait until the new ducks are in a row first.
I say if you want to be nice then TELL her first that YOU are going to do it (nicely). Then do it. Does she have a new account? If she doesn't, then that may be a problem. If she does have another, then say (in an e-mail if necessary but what the heck is wrong with calling her? Is there something worse she can do to you if you irk her?) "Hey, I'm going to close the old account Tues. Let me know if that's a problem"
BTW, don't know where in the D process you are exactly, but as I understand what you have said, you have both signed on the final agreement? Do you have to go to court? Is that waived? What I am getting at is there is stage past which she has less power to screw with you custody wise without starting a new battle in court. Also, I don't know your W, but is she likely to do that? Is she (or is she being) that kind of person? Maybe you are worrying too much.
I say call her and tell her you are going to "stop by the bank and take care of the account" and let her react. Time to stop walking on eggshells.
Well just got off the phone with the bank, the only way to remove my name from the account is to close it. The account was mine before we were married and I had her added when we got engaged.
She still has not set up a bank account of her own, so if I close out the account my W will have no access to funds, which hurts my D6. Something I cannot do.
So I sent W a very polite email, that she will not likely ever acknowledge (I am a chicken I guess), stating that I had tried to save her the hassle but I can't just get removed from the account.
We'll see where it goes from here. I will try and work up the courage to get off the egg shells and tell her tonight on the phone when I call D6 that I sent her an email and then re-cap what it said and let her know that I would like to get the account closed.
BigAl,
W filed the paperwork the day before my birthday "Happy birthday OTH, here sign this!" (Well not really, but felt that way). I will be going to court, I don't have to, but I was there when I got married so I'll be there when I get un-married.
I wish this was all easier. I am still caught up in a web of crap that is not in my control to the extent I would wish it to be. All I can do is make the most of what I have I guess. Time to get off the egg shells and on with my life.
Well got email back from W. She is going to get the account closed out today. Whew!
She also thanked me for looking into getting myself removed from the account and trying to be helpful and for being so patient.
So it looks like this may get resolved with no hurt feelings/anger. What a relief. I have come to realize that I am so used to the only real emotion I ever seem to get from her other than "sorta-friendly" is angry. I think it is why I end up walking on eggshells so much around her.
I fear her showing me any emotion, as it is most likely to be anger. Hence my no longer wanting to even interact with her. It's how I would treat anyone I had to interact with that acted this way I guess?
Just got my mother's annual Christmas letter. It was addressed to me and D6 so I read it aloud to her. I broke down a bit and cried when I read my mother's words about additions and losses to the family and my divorce was mentioned.
I pulled myself together and explained to D6 that sometimes it hits me hard, and we went on to watch Frosty the Snowman together. Lord please give me, your agnostic son, strength to make it through these trying times as best as I can.
Going to take D6 out and have some retail therapy as we have a few small gifts left to purchase.
Wishing you all the hope and strength you'll need to make it through these trying times, OTH
I have come to realize that I am so used to the only real emotion I ever seem to get from her other than "sorta-friendly" is angry. I think it is why I end up walking on eggshells so much around her.
I fear her showing me any emotion, as it is most likely to be anger. Hence my no longer wanting to even interact with her. It's how I would treat anyone I had to interact with that acted this way I guess?
Isn't that all of us though?
For me, it's frustrating to hear my W say she's trying to get to a place where we can be friendly. I haven't been anything but loving and friendly!!! But to see such anger and venom come out at times when the subject of the relationship comes up is as puzzling as it is painful.
No advice on this one, unfortunately, other than it doesn't seem to be a unique trait...
My current thread on the "Separated" forum: Click HERE.
Thanks RNC. I wish I understood what we had done to earn such anger. What ever it was had to have been a year ago, but our WAWs are certainly able to hold onto that anger and let it continue to drive them.
I am having my D6 over tonight for our special Christmas together. I am looking forward to it and hope that it takes the place of us not being able to see each other on Christmas day.
Hey Ouch. I know it''s hard, but I am hear to tell you, it does get easier. Your STBX will finally let her guard down. You can do the same right now. Look at it this way, you are no longer trying to get her back. Behave naturally as you would with anyone. She can't hurt you any more, really. If you can be more relaxed, she will be too. Right now, she is waiting for you to explode. She knows what it has done to you, don't think she doesn't. She needs to keep her defenses high to push that thought away, but she also keeps them up because she thinks you're going to snap. Once she realizes you aren't, she can release some of it and you two can start to communicate over the raising of your child. You're in that part of things together forever. Try to make it as easy as possible on yourself.
