Well I decided that I am ready to come back to this board. I was doing great with pulling my life together and working on me. Every once in a while things would get rough, but I was able to work through them.
These past few days I have hit another rough patch and decided to not go this one alone.
Small background: Bomb 6/16 ILYBNILWY Moved out 6/17 Papers filed 11/15/05 Divorce Final 2/25/06
To date W has lied to me, seems to avoid actual face to face contact when possible, and is friendly when we do meet to exchange D6. Our final heart to heart conversation was around October 28th. She wouldn't meet me, so we did it over the phone. During the conversation she agreed to stop lying to me, and told me that basically it wasn't me, it was her. She also informed me that she just isn't in a space to be in a relationship at all and that she is not planning on dating anyone else.
Fast forward to these past few weeks.
About 3 days before the bomb I mentioned to W that I was occasionally jealous of the time she spent with a mutual friend.
Lately she has been seeing this mutual friend most every weekend, and he is staying over at her place or she is going over to his place most every weekend. Whether she told me they are dating or not it certainly seems that way.
It bothers me, but I wish it didn't. We are almost divorced, she has her life and I need to keep focused on mine. If she is dating or not shouldn't impact me, but for some reason I grant her the power to have this effect me. It screws with my eating, my sleep, my dreams, my happiness and I wish it wouldn't.
I have really dug back into using thought stopping tecniques and it is helping some. Now I need to get better at taking back the power I am giving her by letting her actions have such an effect upon me.
Any suggestions?
This on top of not being able to spend Christmas this year with D6 for the first time ever has been one hell of a hit. I am planning on putting up a tree and decorations in my appartment with D6 this week and trying to get the 22nd off work to spend that whole day (and hopefully the night before) with her if possible as it is our last day together prior to Christmas.
It should be fun, and will hopefull take the place of being able to be there with her Christmas morning. I have plans to spend Christmas day with two friends, or with a married couple and their two kids if the prior falls through so either way I won't spend Christmas alone. I just don't think I am strong enough to pull that one off just yet.
Quote: During the conversation she agreed to stop lying to me, and told me that basically it wasn't me, it was her.
It was her. There isn't anything to be done about that. I know it hurts that she's seeing someone else, but it might help to be honest with yourself...is she really someone that you want a meaningful relationship with as she is now? Would life be so grand with her in it? It's not healthy to look on the negative side, but maybe a little bit just to get an edge on your feelings.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I have tried getting angry, but it's just not an emotion I can sustain for very long. I don't think that the whole Christmas thing is helping out much. So much to deal with wrapped up in such a small amount of time.
I appreciate your advice, it is probably a good time for me to really honestly think about why I would even want to get back together with her. Lately the only honest reasons have been to have D6 100% in my daily life again, and to not be alone and I just can't imagine that being a good home life.
Welcome back. You and I are in exactly the same boat except my D is already finalized. Same friend issue, same patterns same staying over each other's houses. I have the bonus of my two kids (S7 and S3) being around him too and telling me about their activities.
Wish I had some helpful advice for you, but I don't. You are perfrectly right that her seeing someone else is no longer your concern and your are perfectly correct in that it bothers you. Bothers me too. Look out for yourself and find strategies to pull yourself up when you get down about it.
Well I guess we could both share strategies on how we can go over and beat the snot of OM but I'm afraid the joy from that is only fleeting, LOL. Don't worry man. It'll get better no matter what. It is our X's that will some day have to explain to the kids why when mom and dad got divorced, mom had a new guy hanging about before it was even done.
I went out with D6 yesterday and bought a tree and decorations. It was a ball getting the place all decorated with her and watching old Christmas claymation movies. It sucked quite a bit when I came back home from dropping her off though, somehow the place felt so much emptier with all the lights and such but without her.
This is going to be a rough Christmas, I can see it coming. W has yet to answer my last two emails, both buisness related involving child support and address changes/banking. My word staying friendly with that woman is going to be hard if she keeps disregarding my communications.
So there is a strong possibility I am an idiot ;-)
Great opener eh?
So I still have a joint checking account with W. Our divorce papers are submitted, neither of us is likely to reconcile as she has very little to do with me, and unless she is willing to change I am no longer willing to reconcile.
Today I deposited my bi-weekly child support into the joint account and for the second time in as many months I see the account is over drawn by around $50. I know this is hurting my credit report, I know I should cancel the account, I also know she could easily have set up a new account by now, after all I did back in June.
But until the D is finalized I am terrified of doing anything too negative. What if it was to piss her off and she got nasty over visitation rights or something. So here I set having heard from her that she has not closed the account because of difficulties changing direct deposits and auto bill pays. (Yeah difficult to do when you haven't set up a new account...)
So what do I do? My current plan seems to be to let it bug me, but do nothing about it until my D is finalized. Am I leaving myself open to get financially hurt, yup! Is this the "right" thing to do? Who knows? If it's you then tell me! Just don't expect me to take your great advice, history has shown I am not always the best at listening to words of wisdom
You have to look out for your OWN interests. Your STBXW isn't. You are too overly concerned about what or how she thinks of you. You cannot afford to be held hostage to STBXW's whims or opinions. If STBXW raises hell over it, just simply say, "I am sorry you feel that way. I am in charge of my own financial affairs and am doing things in the best interests for S and myself." Don't mention about the account being overdrawn. Just go about your business quietly and set up a separate checking account for yourself.
Have you gotten any legal and/or financial advice from your L regarding this particular matter?
Could you both just go in and take your name off the account? That might be easier for her than transferring all the automatic things to another account. Ask your banker.
