The really awful thing about BIL was when it got heavy, I said to him he could stop now or if we continued, it would not mean a R, just a casual comfort F, so to speak, and he agreed. He said he wanted to go further and he knew they're be no R, so we did and then afterwards he started acting like my partner, y'know, trying to hold my hand all the time, saying he wanted to come over at weekends and after work to see me. He clearly expected more sex and I found myself in a situation where I was physically pushing him away, feeling angry because the sex didn't mean a R.
So I repeated what I said before and he acted all hurt. It's funny because men often want casual sex or brag about having it with no strings but if a woman does the same to a man, he absolutely HATES it. I know as BIL was like that, and 2 other men I slept with. One was obessively calling me even though I told him I'd call if I wanted to meet again - I had to send him a strong email telling him to back off, so that was bad. The other one agreed it was just casual and in fact stressed it was casual, and then the sex made him fall in love with me and before I knew it, I was getting marriage proposals. He even said ILY during sex once and I just stopped. I couldn't put up with that, those weren't my terms. So he went to the pub and got drunk and then rounded on me, drunk, about how I didn't love him.
I said you know I don't, you always knew that and you said this was casual when we met. I had your agreement and then you start getting all emotional. So I stopped seeing him after that because he always expected more and that really pissed me off because I thought it was only women who were emotional about sex and it turned out that men can't handle it when a woman just wants her physical needs met.
I gave it up in April 04 after the court stuff finished because they were too complicated, and decided to save myself for my future husband. Celibacy is stressful, but not as stressful as those men, LOL.
Sex during flu: I would do it if it was me with the flu because in fact I was always in the mood when ill. Andy used to comment, 'every time you're ill, you want sex.' I don't know why, maybe it's the endorphins it releases which would speed the recovery process.
Also when I had headaches/migraine, sex would ease it slightly.
The only times I said no was with morning sickness (which is ALL DAY, not just morning) and if he so much as looked at me then I would want to batter him over the head with my bottle of pre-natal vitamins. Luckily that usually stopped by week 12.
He of course, wouldn't touch me if he had flu, just groaned ocassionally for me to fetch him water. LOL.
He is asthmatic too but that never interfered with sex. When we first moved in together, we lived in a town house right next to the motorway and there were always traffic fumes so he seemed to be on the ventolin all the time.
Then we moved to that cottage I told you about, and I discovered that dairy products can aggravate asthma, so I reduced his cheese intake and replaced milk with soy milk and he learnt this thing called 'Conscious Breathing' - so what with the changed diet and the less polluted air and his breathing exercises, he was able to wean himself off ventolin altogether.
I can't remember it ever interfering with 'O'
What part of the R can I fix? I don't know, anymore, Lou. I'm not sure I can. I think it might be too damaged. There is no trust there whatsoever and no respect so I've nothing to work with.
If he's nice to me I think it's put on either because he wants DD4, wants to control me through the others or because he hasn't had sex for a while. These estimations usually turn out to be true. Without genuineness I don't think there is any part of it that can be fixed, and as for friendship, I don't want that so I wouldn't try.
I feel I have already worked through WHY we split and addressed those issues for myself. It's the lack of trust about the break up which is likely to cause problems in a future R. He said he loved me, then that wasn't true, so any man that says ILY, I'm not going to believe.
He cheapened sex for me. Prior to this whole mess, I thought sex and love were the same thing and you sleep with someone because you love them. Then I found out from him that he could take from my body without loving me and the whole concept of sex and romance went out the window.
I think if I had a SL with anyone else, I'd always be thinking, is this love or just because he wants sex? It's partly why I had a few months of sleeping around. I was so angry that Andy could do that, I thought I'd give men a taste of their own medicine.
If I could change anything about DB'ing, I would not have continued sleeping with him. Michele says continue the physical intimacy, I don't agree - it only makes men disrespect you for 'giving out' when you're separated and it made Andy take me for granted - 'Oh, I can do whatever I like to her because she'll still be there if I want.' There are no conseqences for the WAS if the sex continues.
Also, I would have employed the techniques a year earlier instead of sinking into depression - he might not have left then, and when he took the kids I shouldn't have fought for them. My mother instinct kicked in. I had no chance and could have saved myself the agony of 2 and a half years in court. They might all have come back if I hadn't fought back, and the emotional scars from that are going to make it difficult with a new man. If I want another baby, there's always go to be this fear, will new partner take the baby one day etc etc. What I should have done is let him leave with the others, not tell him I was pregnant with DD4, and just move. Then he would have never known she existed and we wouldn't have to see each other.
What did work was 180 and going dark. Very effective techniques. I'd definitely use 180 in a future R, and if I split up again, I'd go dark instead of getting depressed, and I wouldn't have R talks or beg him to stay like I did with Andy. That would heighten the chance of reconciliation.
