It's Christmas Eve and I woke up this morning feeling sick.
I wrapped all their presents last night because now the idea of wrapping them in front of Andy has my stomach churning. I had been so excited about this part of it and actually getting to wrap our kids presents together, but he has already wrapped half of his, he didn't wait, and since he threatened me, I realise that any attempt he makes at being nice is purely to get DD4 more and that he really couldn't give a crap whether I am there or not, it's just another means to control and/or upset me.
So I did them all myself on my own and it only took me 2 hours because there are much less this year. I've decided not to cook, I just can't face the idea and he bought all his own food in anyway so he can do it.
Still can't find my suit trousers - have decided to empty out my wardrobe to find them as I would rather wear that than a skirt. Still debating over the contents of my overnight bag. If this was normal circumstance, I would wear party clothes at Christmas, but I just feel horrible in front of him so my heart tells me to wear everyday clothes. I think I will put some casual stuff in as well and then I can decide when I'm there.
I have masses of resentment for DD1 and not sure how to deal with that. After the last time I took her out when we went shopping, she went home after all that and the effort I put in, and bad mouthed me to her dad. She ALWAYS does that, she's been doing it for years, even when she was 5.
When I used to have visitation, she'd tell me AWFUL stuff about her dad and say he was hitting her etc, then she'd go to him and tell him I was hitting her (we didn't hit her, either of us) and she'd make accusations.
Well, still now after all this time, she still comes here and then goes home and lies to her dad and he gets on the phone to me and starts saying I'm a bad mother.
They behaved awfully when they were here last (cutting up bits of paper and throwing them all over the house, emptying bathroom bin on the floor, drawing on my sofa, fighting continually and hitting each other, shouting etc while DD4 had a fever and I was trying to take care of her too), so obviously, I told them several times not to behave like that and then DD1 goes home with more accusations against me when all I did was ask her not to fight and tell her not to hit DD3. Then I end up with Andy and a load of verbal abuse for the priviledge, so right now I just feel like a seething mass of resentment and like I want to give her a clip round the ear for disrespect.
And I have to go there and give her presents and accept hers as if nothing has happened and I know after I go home she'll be bad mouthing me again.
Ugh.
One of these days I will have to confront her about why she does this as she's nearly 10 years old now and I've had enough of it.
I just know that Christmas isn't the right time so I'll have to grin and bear it.
I will concentrate on BIL and DD's 2, 3 and 4 and just try to enjoy myself.
Gotta go now and get ready - Andy is arriving this afternoon, God help me.
To everyone on here, have a very merry Christmas despite everything and I hope it works out enjoyable for you all.
Try your best to not let anything get to you, I am going to XW's house for Xmas also. Its because of the kids I am going. I will have to watch carefully not to get upset.
Jo I looked through your pictures on your MS site.
Sorry to hear more people dont appreciate you. I don't get Andy saying he will get a lawyer if you don't go to his house for Christmas. But that seems to be normal for him.
Thanks Lou for posting on Christmas Day, a merry Christmas to you and I hope people had a better one than me.
I am back a day early because the whole thing was a disaster. My Christmas Day was completely ruined, just like I thought. I shouldn't have backed down to his threat. I should have stayed away. My heart tells me these things for a reason.
Andy arrived and I showed him my Christmas Cake. He told me he already had one and not to bother. I felt immediately dismissed at him refusing an offering which the girls wanted. Then I asked him if he wanted any fresh vegetables for the dinner as I'd bought a hamper and all the ingredients to make a pie. He said he already had stuff in, so I just took a pineapple and a melon, some nuts and a tin of chocolates with me and my idea of Christmas Dinner rapidly went up in smoke.
That was the first downturn and that was before we'd even got to his house.
We get there and he tips this bag of presents over the table and asks me to wrap them. There were only a few as he'd wrapped everything and there was no chatting like we used to do, no radio, no wine. I felt as awkward as hell sitting there and more like servant than his ex-wife - here, do this for me but I won't talk to you, kinda thing.
Also, he told me prior to going that he could sleep on the living room floor and his bro on the sofa so I could have a proper bed (manners, if he's inviting me in my opinion), then he tells me that there's no room so I will have to sleep with his bro if I want the bed.
His brother turns up, sees me, looks frankly shocked that I'm there and it turns out that Andy didn't even tell him I would be there. Then they proceed to have a discussion in front of me about where to put me which was REALLY embarrassing.
I said 'Look BIL, I'm not sleeping with you.' He said 'I won't look, I'll sleep on top of the covers and you can sleep underneath them.' I said no. He said get changed in the bathroom. I still said no. I am not sleeping in the same bed as BIL, there is still something vaguely sexual there anyway and I really don't want to make the same mistake I did last time.
Andy started saying I was being prudish. I got upset at being treated like a stray cat and that he hadn't sorted out the arrangement prior to me going there. I started crying and went and got myself a glass of wine, and wrapped the rest of the kids presents in tears.
Andy told me I wasn't making an effort and he wanted this Christmas to go nice for the kids. I rounded on him that he didn't care if MY Christmas was crap as long as he and the kids got what they wanted, never mind if they embarrassed me to boot by asking me to share a bed with BIL!
We ended up having a huge row, Andy said some horrible things to me, BIL tried to mediate unsuccessfully. They went to bed at 4.30am Christmas morning, leaving me sobbing in the dining room.
I phoned a helpline and spent 2 hours sobbing to a counsellor and then at 6.30am my kids woke up, all excited and hyper about their stockings and presents and Santa having been. My eldest is nearly 10 and she still believes in him, amazingly.
I tried to pick up my mood for them, despite having no sleep all night. I didn't actually go to bed at all, but I put a fake smile on for them and when Andy came downstairs I wished him Merry Christmas despite the awful things he said to me.
We did the present opening and that was a problem because they left the ones I bought till last, so I was feeling rejected about that. It was 3pm in the afternoon before they even opened any of mine.
I asked Andy if he still wanted what me and the kids had got him (in light of awful argument), he said yes. I didn't immediately offer but he kept saying, 'Where's my presents?' so I gave in and gave them to him. He liked the candles DD1 bought him.
DD1 gave me a necklace and a picture she'd drawn. I didn't get anything from my other DD's. I got some chocolates and a music CD from Andy, which I thought was weird since he has no feeling for me. I thanked him.
Then it was time to do dinner but because he didn't want any of my hamper, I couldn't help with any preparations so I did the washing up from the previous day instead. I was disappointed.
DD4 was dressed in jeans instead of the party dress I bought for her, another major disappointment, and I felt too out of place to wear anything nice so ended up in the same grey skirt and top the whole time I was there. Not very Christmasy.
But still, I was managing to get by even though I wasn't very happy. Then EX-OW1 phones up and Andy invites her over for coffee, on CHRISTMAS DAY, while his ex-wife is in the house!! This after he promised me she wouldn't be there.
I told him I wouldn't go if she was there and he assured me she wouldn't be. I told him I didn't want her there. He said it was just for 20 minutes and that we were D so what was my problem? I said I don't care if we ARE D, this is my Christmas too, I didn't want to come here, you forced me to come, I said no over and over again because you're my ex and this isn't normal, you were the one obsessively calling me, trying to get me to come here, so with that in mind I don't think it unreasonable not to want EX-OW1 here too!
He said I was being childish. I said he was being insensitive. We ended up arguing again and I called him a bastard and stormed out of the house so I wouldn't be there when EX-OW1 was.
I sat outside in freezing temperatures, wearing just a T shirt, but I thought what the hell, I'd rather freeze to death than be near her on Christmas Day.
Eventually DD2 came out, crying, and asked me to come inside. I told her to go back in the house or she'd catch cold. She did.
I stayed outside about half an hour. My legs went so cold I couldn't feel them.
Then DD1 and DD2 came out and told me the dinner was ready and EX-OW1 had gone. I hobbled back inside holding onto them as I was so cold I couldn't walk.
Sat down at table with everyone but couldn't eat anything because I was so cold it made me feel ill. Andy said it was my fault for not being able to be civil with EX-OW1. I told him not on Christmas Day, and that he had promised this wouldn't happen.
I went to lie down on the sofa, missed the Christmas Dinner altogether.
The rest of the afternoon was okay, or so I thought. Kids opened a few more presents, we listened to Christmas music etc.
Then early evening Andy says he's doing the Christmas Pudding and asks me to come through. I stand up, my skirt gets caught and BIL says he 'likes my black panties' because instead of being a gentleman he actually peeked a look. Then he followed this comment with something even more explicit about my arse.
I laughed it off and went through to the dining room, trying to make a joke out of it.
Andy set alight the pudding - it looked quite impressive, and we all sat down to eat it. I was just chatting to the kids and thinking this part was going okay, when DD4 got custard on her sleeve. The table was opened out fully and there were 7 of us round it in a small room, so I couldn't squeeze around the chairs to get to her.
Andy went mad - over the top, just because he had to move the chairs and wipe her sleeve. He said I wasn't a parent and was lazy etc etc, all in front of the kids. I asked him not to speak to me like that in front of them, and not on Christmas Day. He said they know exactly what the sitch is and I never bloody see them anyway so whose side do you think they're gonna take? I said that when we were married he wouldn't have spoken to me like that. He said no, he'd have just been my dutiful slave. I said I think now is the time for me to leave. He said 'Good idea, why don't you get out?' The children started crying and so did I. I put my fork down and my wine and walked out.
I stood outside, looking at the sky, crying and praying to God for help.
Eventually I went back inside, got my bags together and told him I'd leave first thing in the morning.
Then I went and helped BIL with the washing up, and ended up crying to him about how Andy had rejected my Christmas hamper and he invited EX-OW1 here when he said he wouldn't, embarrassed me in front of BIL re the sleeping arrangements etc. I said I'd spent hundreds of pounds on this event and it was ruined, that I didn't want to come, but he'd kept phoning me.
BIL told me he wasn't aware of any of this. Andy hadn't told him the whole story. I washed up while he dried up and consoled me at the same time.
Andy then thanked me for washing up and then acted as if nothing had happened.
We all chatted for hours about various things and I wondered why he couldn't be friendly like this when the kids were up. We drank loads and then Andy brought out these dope cakes (cakes with drug in them) and told me to have one. I refused, but he kept pressuring me, so in the end I ate one, hoping that nothing horrendous would happen.
He, BIL, and I went through to the lounge and watched 'Amitiville' (horror movie based on true story, 2005 version) - it was really good, actually, scared the shite out of me.
After the movie finished, Andy went to bed and BIL stayed with me for a bit, watching TV. I started to go to sleep and when I opened my eyes, I could see BIL sitting there, smiling at me, watching me sleep.
Then eventually he went upstairs and left the TV on. I wanted to turn it off but couldn't move. I figured the drug cake must be having a weird effect because I just could not get up.
I went to sleep in my clothes and woke up next morning at 10.30 am. I actually slept until 10.30!! My head was killing me, I felt really out of it and I couldn't pee, so I ended up not able to use the bathroom until 3pm.
The kids were all up and I'd just been asleep all that time.
I went through to the dining room and Andy was nice to start with. He laughed at me, said I was stoned and hungover (a first for me) and made me a large coffee.
Then he offered to make me a cooked breakfast so I thought maybe he was sorry for what happened. We all ate cooked breakfast together, then BIL left and I just helped DD4 do a picture and listened to the radio.
Andy still carried on being nice, asked me what I was thinking, looked at this book with me etc etc. Then he just switched again for no apparent reason, said there was nothing to talk about with me anymore and had a go at me for not faking it for the children.
I reminded him that he was the one who spoke to me badly in front of them, told me to get out, etc, on Christmas Day. He said 'Because I was bloody sick of you by then.' I reminded him I didn't want to come here, he was the one who pushed it.
He said that until Christmas Eve, I had been welcome at his house but not anymore. I said if that's the case, how come you invited me? How come you accepted my gift if that's how you feel? He said it was a gift so it was his. I said that's not the point, you shouldn't accept it if in the next breath you are telling the person you don't want them in your house.
Then he started shouting at me about his contact with DD4 because I won't let him have her on New Years Day (we are invited elsewhere and I won't let him ruin my New Year, too).
I asked him not to shout at me. He said he wasn't. I told him I wasn't going to try to be a part of this family anymore, from now on it's me and DD4, and he stays outside whenever he comes to get DD4, and says NOTHING to me. We are NOT going to try and co-parent the kids, it doesn't work - he even objected to the term co-parent and said I couldn't parent since he had custody. I just see them on my time and have nothing to do with how they are brought up.
I said no way.
I said I'm just not doing this anymore, and then I left.
I have decided to re-do Christmas. Tomorrow we're going to watch Christmas movies, play with DD4's new toys and I will cook a Christmas Dinner - the one I didn't get to do. We will have a great time, it doesn't have to be on the 25th.
Then on New Years Eve I am going to a friend's house with DD4 and we're staying overnight for New Years Day, so we have that to look forward to.
I am sorry to hear this, but I was even worried he might be worse. I just think he is crazy, the sleeping arrangements, the cake, pressuring you to eat the dope cake etc, etc. Teenagers badger people to do drugs not responsible normal adults. Jo if I was there I would have kicked his arse for treating you like he did. It seems he gets more controlling and more degrading everytime he is around you.
My sit. was not as bad, but still not very enjoyable.
I just got a call from my mother, so I will talk to you later.
I haven't been an active poster on your thread but I do try to read often. Forgive me if I mis-say something here. I'm not entirely sure why you don't have BOTH of your daughters with you. They both need to be with you. Your X is one horrible person and nothing good can come of being anywhere near him and your girls certainly do not need to live with him. You need to do whatever it takes to get custody of both. Should be fairly easy to do if you make a report of his substance abuse. Do it quietly so he does not suspect you. I understand that you are slightly handicapped, however I have seen fully wheelchair bound mothers care for their children in every way. It may be more difficult but it can be done. Anyone who talks to you that way, manipulates you, forces you to do drugs and live the life you are living is not someone you OR your girls need to be around. To be honest, with the whole dope cake/sleeping in the bed with BIL, my first thought was something similar to date rape. Get you high/stoned/whatever and available to him. Wouldn't surprise me much from what I've read if it wasn't all a plan of some sorts. Honestly, I'd take the girls and I'd get far from him. I don't often say that a marriage can't be fixed, but that is a hazardous situation for all of you. I think I read somewhere where you think your other daughter dislike you. Too bad. She doesn't have the choice to dislike her mother. Take her anyway, she will grow to like you without his influence. She needs her mother and her mother needs her.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
No, the situation isn't like that. I have 4 daughters, not 2. He has custody of 3, and I the youngest.
I did go to court for two and a half years of my life. I had police reports from when he blacked my eyes, reports of domestic violence against me, but they didn't care. They said it didn't matter if he hurt me as long as he didn't hurt the children. They only log harm against children, and they told me I didn't matter even when I was sitting there covered in bruises from when he'd decided to put me in my place.
He just lied and lied to the court about the circumstances and because he was calm and together and I had a breakdown and was going through the worst depression, they believed him, not me. It wasn't until I walked into court, pregnant with his child that they believed I was in a relationship with him. That was my proof.
He took my third child whom I had custody of and was primary carer of since birth, and broke the law, but it took months to get another court hearing and by that time the court just turned round and said she had been with him so long it wasn't fair to move her, and then in the next breath, they threatened him with prison for continually breaking my orders.
They knew about the drugs, they said it didn't matter because it was soft drug, not hard, and he didn't have it in front of them (he does, I've seen him do it).
He took all of them out of school so he can control all of that and he was congratulated for it. My daughter (the one he snatched from me) was going to nursery 3 times a week. She was only 3 and I thought more than that was too much for a 3 year old, and the court welfare officer accused me of 'educational neglect', despite not saying anything at all about the fact that my other 2 DD's weren't in school at all.
When I went through police records, they stated that when he snatched my children, they were not recovered to me despite my custody order, because 'there were disability issues' - so I went to the Disabled Parents Network and they helped me to try and build a case of discrimination by the courts. I went to the library and read up all the laws relating to disability and I found the court were breaking at least two of them, so my lawyer pointed out they were breaking the Human Rights Act and the Disability Discrimination Act. I did recieve an apology from the Chief of Police but that was too late for my daughters.
I had a psychological evaluation to prove I wasn't mad like he said and I passed it. He didn't. She said I was only 'mildly depressed and always in response to H', she said he would never listen to authority, that I was the one who listened to direction, that he was mutually dependent on me emotionally and that he had an anger problem.
She recommended I keep custody. I had a barrister, too, who tried to talk Andy into a pre-court deal.
All of this wasn't enough for the court welfare officer, who hated me, and then Andy moved EX-OW1 into his house right before I was about to win custody and said he was a 2 parent family. He had only just met her and they knew that, but it didn't matter. The court welfare officer said that he could offer the kids more than me because he was a 2 parent family and I was single. So she effectively gave custody to a strange woman over their mother. She told me she was a step-mother, hardly professional.
After EX-OW1 came on the scene, they recommended he get custody because of her (you can see why I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with her) and told me they were delaying the case 6 more months and that I only had a 5% chance now.
I walked out of court in disgust and collapsed in the lobby. I knew that if I had to carry on for another 6 months when I'd already done 2 and half years, I would go mad.
I have tried counselling, with him and without him, mediation, being friendly, not being friendly, DB'ing, going dark etc, solicitor's letters, friends intervening and everything. Nothing works with him and he is far too controlling on the contact he does allow me, that if I accepted it, he would destroy me.
What it basically boils down to is survival of the fittest and I want to survive. Unfortunately that means distancing myself from the family. I have tried all avenues. I even asked to pick them up at the contact centre to avoid meeting him and he said no - it takes his approval.
My main priority now is re-building my happiness for me and DD4 and I think the only way we will be happy is if I don't see any of them. It is always traumatic, with or without him there.
I tried literally everything for years and what happens to them now is out of my control. I used to worry about them all the time. I don't now because I realise there's nothing I can do so why worry?
It's been literally YEARS now and it's beaten down acceptance. The worst stuff happens when I am there and that's when he starts up, so the way I see it is they'd be better off with 1 parent than 2 that fight, and unfortunately for me, that parent happens to be him.
He's also my ex-boyfriend. I dated him for 3 years before Andy and was friends with him for 3 years before that. We grew up together in the same village, I've actually known him for longer than Andy, slightly.
It caused a rift between him and Andy in the beginning because he said Andy had 'stolen me' from him.
Then in August 2003, during the really nasty court process, I slept with him (consentual). We'd been leading up to it for a while as he used to come for weekends and eat pizza and watch movies, and we'd go out places etc.
He helped me get the groceries once and we sat in this cafe with DD4 and when the waitress brought the food she put DD4's next to him and said 'I'll put yours next to Daddy.'
He didn't correct her, and when she went away he said 'I wish she was my daughter.'
We discussed it, admitted we both had feelings for the other but basically decided against an R because I wasn't over Andy, he was uncle to my children (too complicated), and he is also bi-sexual and I was unnerved by his liking for men. I know bi like both sexes, but still.
Anyway, despite this convo we still ended up in bed a few weeks later. It was actually really good, but I was completely messed up from court hearings etc so I got angry with him afterwards and rejected him and we didn't see each other for 2 years until this August.
He has stated he still has interest and wouldn't discount anything, but it's not mutual. I don't want to go down that road again, also, he met a guy he had a casual date with the other week so I am waiting to see if that develops.
He was making explicit remarks and referring to himself as 'ex-lover' etc so I didn't feel I could have shared the bed with him. I know myself and I reckon I would have slept with him and then just regretted it. I can't imagine anything worse than sleeping with BIL in Andy's bed.
And I feel in the emotional state I'm in, it would have been taking advantage of me, so that's why I was so anti. At any rate, it isn't normal to share a bed with your BIL, ex-lover or not.
But I know he wouldn't rape me. He could have when I was doped out on that cake and didn't.
I knew there was probably a lot of the story that I didn't know about. I hope I didn't offend you. Your situation has touched my heart. You know what I think of every time I think of what is going on wtih you? THIS is why women take their children and run. From teh outside looking in, it is easy for me to say that if I were in your shoes, I'd grab them and run. Real life is not quite so easy and clear. I do still stand that you must stay very far away from him and at this point, I hope you don't have any plans of reconciliation with him. He has to fix him before he can be any good for you or your girls.
(((hugs))) hang in there. I'm thinking of ya.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
