No, the situation isn't like that. I have 4 daughters, not 2. He has custody of 3, and I the youngest.
I did go to court for two and a half years of my life. I had police reports from when he blacked my eyes, reports of domestic violence against me, but they didn't care. They said it didn't matter if he hurt me as long as he didn't hurt the children. They only log harm against children, and they told me I didn't matter even when I was sitting there covered in bruises from when he'd decided to put me in my place.
He just lied and lied to the court about the circumstances and because he was calm and together and I had a breakdown and was going through the worst depression, they believed him, not me. It wasn't until I walked into court, pregnant with his child that they believed I was in a relationship with him. That was my proof.
He took my third child whom I had custody of and was primary carer of since birth, and broke the law, but it took months to get another court hearing and by that time the court just turned round and said she had been with him so long it wasn't fair to move her, and then in the next breath, they threatened him with prison for continually breaking my orders.
They knew about the drugs, they said it didn't matter because it was soft drug, not hard, and he didn't have it in front of them (he does, I've seen him do it).
He took all of them out of school so he can control all of that and he was congratulated for it. My daughter (the one he snatched from me) was going to nursery 3 times a week. She was only 3 and I thought more than that was too much for a 3 year old, and the court welfare officer accused me of 'educational neglect', despite not saying anything at all about the fact that my other 2 DD's weren't in school at all.
When I went through police records, they stated that when he snatched my children, they were not recovered to me despite my custody order, because 'there were disability issues' - so I went to the Disabled Parents Network and they helped me to try and build a case of discrimination by the courts. I went to the library and read up all the laws relating to disability and I found the court were breaking at least two of them, so my lawyer pointed out they were breaking the Human Rights Act and the Disability Discrimination Act. I did recieve an apology from the Chief of Police but that was too late for my daughters.
I had a psychological evaluation to prove I wasn't mad like he said and I passed it. He didn't. She said I was only 'mildly depressed and always in response to H', she said he would never listen to authority, that I was the one who listened to direction, that he was mutually dependent on me emotionally and that he had an anger problem.
She recommended I keep custody. I had a barrister, too, who tried to talk Andy into a pre-court deal.
All of this wasn't enough for the court welfare officer, who hated me, and then Andy moved EX-OW1 into his house right before I was about to win custody and said he was a 2 parent family. He had only just met her and they knew that, but it didn't matter. The court welfare officer said that he could offer the kids more than me because he was a 2 parent family and I was single. So she effectively gave custody to a strange woman over their mother. She told me she was a step-mother, hardly professional.
After EX-OW1 came on the scene, they recommended he get custody because of her (you can see why I wouldn't want to spend Christmas with her) and told me they were delaying the case 6 more months and that I only had a 5% chance now.
I walked out of court in disgust and collapsed in the lobby. I knew that if I had to carry on for another 6 months when I'd already done 2 and half years, I would go mad.
I have tried counselling, with him and without him, mediation, being friendly, not being friendly, DB'ing, going dark etc, solicitor's letters, friends intervening and everything. Nothing works with him and he is far too controlling on the contact he does allow me, that if I accepted it, he would destroy me.
What it basically boils down to is survival of the fittest and I want to survive. Unfortunately that means distancing myself from the family. I have tried all avenues. I even asked to pick them up at the contact centre to avoid meeting him and he said no - it takes his approval.
My main priority now is re-building my happiness for me and DD4 and I think the only way we will be happy is if I don't see any of them. It is always traumatic, with or without him there.
I tried literally everything for years and what happens to them now is out of my control. I used to worry about them all the time. I don't now because I realise there's nothing I can do so why worry?
It's been literally YEARS now and it's beaten down acceptance. The worst stuff happens when I am there and that's when he starts up, so the way I see it is they'd be better off with 1 parent than 2 that fight, and unfortunately for me, that parent happens to be him.
