Thanks Lou for posting on Christmas Day, a merry Christmas to you and I hope people had a better one than me.
I am back a day early because the whole thing was a disaster. My Christmas Day was completely ruined, just like I thought. I shouldn't have backed down to his threat. I should have stayed away. My heart tells me these things for a reason.
Andy arrived and I showed him my Christmas Cake. He told me he already had one and not to bother. I felt immediately dismissed at him refusing an offering which the girls wanted. Then I asked him if he wanted any fresh vegetables for the dinner as I'd bought a hamper and all the ingredients to make a pie. He said he already had stuff in, so I just took a pineapple and a melon, some nuts and a tin of chocolates with me and my idea of Christmas Dinner rapidly went up in smoke.
That was the first downturn and that was before we'd even got to his house.
We get there and he tips this bag of presents over the table and asks me to wrap them. There were only a few as he'd wrapped everything and there was no chatting like we used to do, no radio, no wine. I felt as awkward as hell sitting there and more like servant than his ex-wife - here, do this for me but I won't talk to you, kinda thing.
Also, he told me prior to going that he could sleep on the living room floor and his bro on the sofa so I could have a proper bed (manners, if he's inviting me in my opinion), then he tells me that there's no room so I will have to sleep with his bro if I want the bed.
His brother turns up, sees me, looks frankly shocked that I'm there and it turns out that Andy didn't even tell him I would be there. Then they proceed to have a discussion in front of me about where to put me which was REALLY embarrassing.
I said 'Look BIL, I'm not sleeping with you.' He said 'I won't look, I'll sleep on top of the covers and you can sleep underneath them.' I said no. He said get changed in the bathroom. I still said no. I am not sleeping in the same bed as BIL, there is still something vaguely sexual there anyway and I really don't want to make the same mistake I did last time.
Andy started saying I was being prudish. I got upset at being treated like a stray cat and that he hadn't sorted out the arrangement prior to me going there. I started crying and went and got myself a glass of wine, and wrapped the rest of the kids presents in tears.
Andy told me I wasn't making an effort and he wanted this Christmas to go nice for the kids. I rounded on him that he didn't care if MY Christmas was crap as long as he and the kids got what they wanted, never mind if they embarrassed me to boot by asking me to share a bed with BIL!
We ended up having a huge row, Andy said some horrible things to me, BIL tried to mediate unsuccessfully. They went to bed at 4.30am Christmas morning, leaving me sobbing in the dining room.
I phoned a helpline and spent 2 hours sobbing to a counsellor and then at 6.30am my kids woke up, all excited and hyper about their stockings and presents and Santa having been. My eldest is nearly 10 and she still believes in him, amazingly.
I tried to pick up my mood for them, despite having no sleep all night. I didn't actually go to bed at all, but I put a fake smile on for them and when Andy came downstairs I wished him Merry Christmas despite the awful things he said to me.
We did the present opening and that was a problem because they left the ones I bought till last, so I was feeling rejected about that. It was 3pm in the afternoon before they even opened any of mine.
I asked Andy if he still wanted what me and the kids had got him (in light of awful argument), he said yes. I didn't immediately offer but he kept saying, 'Where's my presents?' so I gave in and gave them to him. He liked the candles DD1 bought him.
DD1 gave me a necklace and a picture she'd drawn. I didn't get anything from my other DD's. I got some chocolates and a music CD from Andy, which I thought was weird since he has no feeling for me. I thanked him.
Then it was time to do dinner but because he didn't want any of my hamper, I couldn't help with any preparations so I did the washing up from the previous day instead. I was disappointed.
DD4 was dressed in jeans instead of the party dress I bought for her, another major disappointment, and I felt too out of place to wear anything nice so ended up in the same grey skirt and top the whole time I was there. Not very Christmasy.
But still, I was managing to get by even though I wasn't very happy. Then EX-OW1 phones up and Andy invites her over for coffee, on CHRISTMAS DAY, while his ex-wife is in the house!! This after he promised me she wouldn't be there.
I told him I wouldn't go if she was there and he assured me she wouldn't be. I told him I didn't want her there. He said it was just for 20 minutes and that we were D so what was my problem? I said I don't care if we ARE D, this is my Christmas too, I didn't want to come here, you forced me to come, I said no over and over again because you're my ex and this isn't normal, you were the one obsessively calling me, trying to get me to come here, so with that in mind I don't think it unreasonable not to want EX-OW1 here too!
He said I was being childish. I said he was being insensitive. We ended up arguing again and I called him a bastard and stormed out of the house so I wouldn't be there when EX-OW1 was.
I sat outside in freezing temperatures, wearing just a T shirt, but I thought what the hell, I'd rather freeze to death than be near her on Christmas Day.
Eventually DD2 came out, crying, and asked me to come inside. I told her to go back in the house or she'd catch cold. She did.
I stayed outside about half an hour. My legs went so cold I couldn't feel them.
Then DD1 and DD2 came out and told me the dinner was ready and EX-OW1 had gone. I hobbled back inside holding onto them as I was so cold I couldn't walk.
Sat down at table with everyone but couldn't eat anything because I was so cold it made me feel ill. Andy said it was my fault for not being able to be civil with EX-OW1. I told him not on Christmas Day, and that he had promised this wouldn't happen.
I went to lie down on the sofa, missed the Christmas Dinner altogether.
The rest of the afternoon was okay, or so I thought. Kids opened a few more presents, we listened to Christmas music etc.
Then early evening Andy says he's doing the Christmas Pudding and asks me to come through. I stand up, my skirt gets caught and BIL says he 'likes my black panties' because instead of being a gentleman he actually peeked a look. Then he followed this comment with something even more explicit about my arse.
I laughed it off and went through to the dining room, trying to make a joke out of it.
Andy set alight the pudding - it looked quite impressive, and we all sat down to eat it. I was just chatting to the kids and thinking this part was going okay, when DD4 got custard on her sleeve. The table was opened out fully and there were 7 of us round it in a small room, so I couldn't squeeze around the chairs to get to her.
Andy went mad - over the top, just because he had to move the chairs and wipe her sleeve. He said I wasn't a parent and was lazy etc etc, all in front of the kids. I asked him not to speak to me like that in front of them, and not on Christmas Day. He said they know exactly what the sitch is and I never bloody see them anyway so whose side do you think they're gonna take? I said that when we were married he wouldn't have spoken to me like that. He said no, he'd have just been my dutiful slave. I said I think now is the time for me to leave. He said 'Good idea, why don't you get out?' The children started crying and so did I. I put my fork down and my wine and walked out.
I stood outside, looking at the sky, crying and praying to God for help.
Eventually I went back inside, got my bags together and told him I'd leave first thing in the morning.
Then I went and helped BIL with the washing up, and ended up crying to him about how Andy had rejected my Christmas hamper and he invited EX-OW1 here when he said he wouldn't, embarrassed me in front of BIL re the sleeping arrangements etc. I said I'd spent hundreds of pounds on this event and it was ruined, that I didn't want to come, but he'd kept phoning me.
BIL told me he wasn't aware of any of this. Andy hadn't told him the whole story. I washed up while he dried up and consoled me at the same time.
Andy then thanked me for washing up and then acted as if nothing had happened.
We all chatted for hours about various things and I wondered why he couldn't be friendly like this when the kids were up. We drank loads and then Andy brought out these dope cakes (cakes with drug in them) and told me to have one. I refused, but he kept pressuring me, so in the end I ate one, hoping that nothing horrendous would happen.
He, BIL, and I went through to the lounge and watched 'Amitiville' (horror movie based on true story, 2005 version) - it was really good, actually, scared the shite out of me.
After the movie finished, Andy went to bed and BIL stayed with me for a bit, watching TV. I started to go to sleep and when I opened my eyes, I could see BIL sitting there, smiling at me, watching me sleep.
Then eventually he went upstairs and left the TV on. I wanted to turn it off but couldn't move. I figured the drug cake must be having a weird effect because I just could not get up.
I went to sleep in my clothes and woke up next morning at 10.30 am. I actually slept until 10.30!! My head was killing me, I felt really out of it and I couldn't pee, so I ended up not able to use the bathroom until 3pm.
The kids were all up and I'd just been asleep all that time.
I went through to the dining room and Andy was nice to start with. He laughed at me, said I was stoned and hungover (a first for me) and made me a large coffee.
Then he offered to make me a cooked breakfast so I thought maybe he was sorry for what happened. We all ate cooked breakfast together, then BIL left and I just helped DD4 do a picture and listened to the radio.
Andy still carried on being nice, asked me what I was thinking, looked at this book with me etc etc. Then he just switched again for no apparent reason, said there was nothing to talk about with me anymore and had a go at me for not faking it for the children.
I reminded him that he was the one who spoke to me badly in front of them, told me to get out, etc, on Christmas Day. He said 'Because I was bloody sick of you by then.' I reminded him I didn't want to come here, he was the one who pushed it.
He said that until Christmas Eve, I had been welcome at his house but not anymore. I said if that's the case, how come you invited me? How come you accepted my gift if that's how you feel? He said it was a gift so it was his. I said that's not the point, you shouldn't accept it if in the next breath you are telling the person you don't want them in your house.
Then he started shouting at me about his contact with DD4 because I won't let him have her on New Years Day (we are invited elsewhere and I won't let him ruin my New Year, too).
I asked him not to shout at me. He said he wasn't. I told him I wasn't going to try to be a part of this family anymore, from now on it's me and DD4, and he stays outside whenever he comes to get DD4, and says NOTHING to me. We are NOT going to try and co-parent the kids, it doesn't work - he even objected to the term co-parent and said I couldn't parent since he had custody. I just see them on my time and have nothing to do with how they are brought up.
I said no way.
I said I'm just not doing this anymore, and then I left.
I have decided to re-do Christmas. Tomorrow we're going to watch Christmas movies, play with DD4's new toys and I will cook a Christmas Dinner - the one I didn't get to do. We will have a great time, it doesn't have to be on the 25th.
Then on New Years Eve I am going to a friend's house with DD4 and we're staying overnight for New Years Day, so we have that to look forward to.
