It's Christmas Eve and I woke up this morning feeling sick.
I wrapped all their presents last night because now the idea of wrapping them in front of Andy has my stomach churning. I had been so excited about this part of it and actually getting to wrap our kids presents together, but he has already wrapped half of his, he didn't wait, and since he threatened me, I realise that any attempt he makes at being nice is purely to get DD4 more and that he really couldn't give a crap whether I am there or not, it's just another means to control and/or upset me.
So I did them all myself on my own and it only took me 2 hours because there are much less this year. I've decided not to cook, I just can't face the idea and he bought all his own food in anyway so he can do it.
Still can't find my suit trousers - have decided to empty out my wardrobe to find them as I would rather wear that than a skirt. Still debating over the contents of my overnight bag. If this was normal circumstance, I would wear party clothes at Christmas, but I just feel horrible in front of him so my heart tells me to wear everyday clothes. I think I will put some casual stuff in as well and then I can decide when I'm there.
I have masses of resentment for DD1 and not sure how to deal with that. After the last time I took her out when we went shopping, she went home after all that and the effort I put in, and bad mouthed me to her dad. She ALWAYS does that, she's been doing it for years, even when she was 5.
When I used to have visitation, she'd tell me AWFUL stuff about her dad and say he was hitting her etc, then she'd go to him and tell him I was hitting her (we didn't hit her, either of us) and she'd make accusations.
Well, still now after all this time, she still comes here and then goes home and lies to her dad and he gets on the phone to me and starts saying I'm a bad mother.
They behaved awfully when they were here last (cutting up bits of paper and throwing them all over the house, emptying bathroom bin on the floor, drawing on my sofa, fighting continually and hitting each other, shouting etc while DD4 had a fever and I was trying to take care of her too), so obviously, I told them several times not to behave like that and then DD1 goes home with more accusations against me when all I did was ask her not to fight and tell her not to hit DD3. Then I end up with Andy and a load of verbal abuse for the priviledge, so right now I just feel like a seething mass of resentment and like I want to give her a clip round the ear for disrespect.
And I have to go there and give her presents and accept hers as if nothing has happened and I know after I go home she'll be bad mouthing me again.
Ugh.
One of these days I will have to confront her about why she does this as she's nearly 10 years old now and I've had enough of it.
I just know that Christmas isn't the right time so I'll have to grin and bear it.
I will concentrate on BIL and DD's 2, 3 and 4 and just try to enjoy myself.
Gotta go now and get ready - Andy is arriving this afternoon, God help me.
To everyone on here, have a very merry Christmas despite everything and I hope it works out enjoyable for you all.
