We talked for a long time. He said how he wanted Christmas to be and that he was doing it so we could 'share Christmases' in future, i.e, him have DD4 sometimes, if we are friends.
Even if we were friends I'd never do that. She's the only family I have. I basically told him similar to what I said in above post re alternate Christmases and said he was selfish to expect me to sit on my own with no one and that I would never visit his home or take his 'friendship' at face value when he always has manipulative motives.
I said I didn't want a friendship with him and explained why. I then said he was selfish to expect me to and if he genuinely cared about me, he'd let me go completely, including with the girls, and let me form another life without him.
For the first time ever, he agreed with me and said that if contact with him and them was causing me so much pain, it wasn't worth it. He said if I couldn't be happy like this then the best thing would be to cut them out and 'get on with it' and he said he thought it was just 'messing with their heads' anyway and that he had 'tried' for ages on my R with them and it didn't work, that he felt we were all moving apart anyway.
I said yes we were, and that he never let me be part of their lives anyway, apart from on birthdays and Christmas, so what was the point?
I then asked him why he had children, what was his reason? He said because he was in love and wanted babies with the woman he was in love with. I said no, forget me, there must be another reason apart from just me. He said people just want them, don't they? I don't understand the convo.
I said I had kids to watch them grow, to see the first tooth fall out, to pin their pictures to the fridge, to be there when my DD got her first period - but you can't do any of that has non-custodial mother. My reason for having them is gone. I can't watch them grow. They pin their pictures to HIS fridge and when my DD lost her first baby tooth, he didn't tell me. I can't be the mother I wanted to be. No Earth mother, me.
I told him all this and he said 'If that's the case and you really can't be happy like this, I think you should leave them. It only causes them confusion like this, and there's no sense if you feel you can't have a new life like this.'
I said okay.
Then I put the phone down on him. He has given me permission to walk away. That makes it easier on the guilt complex.
I cried all afternoon. My newsletters arrived today and I'm supposed to be working. I have STACKS of work to do, but I couldn't work. They are still sitting there.
I am now planning a quiet Christmas, just me and DD4 and lots of DVD's we've never seen. We will watch Christmas movies for the day.
I am truly done with everything else.
I am making enquiries and if any of them are successful I will put notice on this house.
I think a move and a new start elsewhere is in order now. I need a better 2006.
