You parted on good terms with your 1st ex-wife, it isn't even a comparison.
I lost ALL my family including my mother through this D, we had 2 and a half years taken up in court. It has destroyed my self-esteem.
It isn't all his fault. I'm not saying that. I don't think he's a horrible person, I'm not saying that - just that too much has happened for me to be around him like you are with 1st XW. My baby died because of these circumstances. He'd have been 2 years old this Boxing Day. Andy lives with it by saying it was 'meant to be' - but as the person who instigated this death, I cannot feel the same.
I can't do alternate Christmases because that means parting with DD4 and being TOTALLY ALONE one year out of every 2. I can't. If I had someone else who would have me for that time, or a group of people to help me through the season, I would do it, but my mood would just crash completely if I was totally alone. So we never do alternate Christmases. He has 3 of my daughters, his mother, his step-father, his brother and his OW friends so I think it's pretty selfish of him to expect me to give up the only relative I have to celebrate Christmas with. I have already told him I'd never do that. He'd have to take me to court and force me, and even then I'd say no.
I usually go away on holiday with her. This is the best solution in my opinion, and I've learnt my lesson this time to plan better financially for next year. In fact, I'm booking next Christmas by March if I can.
I can't send him emails as I am blocked on his email address. He is blocked on mine. I would never unblock him as he either uses it to entice me or the opposite, to dump me. I don't accept any communication by writing anymore, especially as written word can be used in court.
I won't open letters by him in case they are upsetting so he never writes anymore, thank God.
That means the main way we communicate is via phone or sometimes text, and in person. I try not to call and generally don't unless I am cancelling/changing an arrangement.
It goes deeper than simply not wanting to do Christmases with him (I don't normally anyway) - I am burnt out with the whole family and I don't want to do any of it anymore. As I said, since my kids were 3, 4 and 5 I have not raised them, we've done nothing but fight over them and our general R.
I have no bond with the older ones that I can speak of, too many years, too many things said, too much space has elapsed between him leaving with them and now. I don't think they love me. I'm not sure what I feel for them. I used to cry for them all the time. I stopped doing that ages ago. I feel this kind of 'I don't give a damn' attitude now, which is scary.
There is no intimacy, we never hug, kiss etc and ocassionally if they kiss me I will kiss back but I have to make myself do it. It isn't automatic anymore.
Every time they are here it's all staged like with Andy, I am DB'ing with them. Sometimes I think we have had a success, a breakthrough and then Andy is on the phone, complaining that DD1 has been bad mouthing me to him and what is going on? etc etc. Then I end up in tears thinking she doesn't want an R with me anyway so why bother?
I am sick of trying with these people and all because I gave birth to them. I feel as if I have a noose round my neck.
I just want a different life where I don't have to think about it anymore. I am too tired.
