I can't Jill. He's like this every Christmas and every Christmas I do my damnest to escape, I usually manage to, but didn't have the money this year.

It isn't in my nature to 'fake it' - even for the kids. He said it himself, he's only invited me there because 'it's the right thing to do' - not because he actually wants me there at Christmas.

I can't go where I'm not welcome. I am SO SO unhappy and being in that house makes me worse. My main priority is not my kids, it's keeping this depression at bay and just at the moment my usual coping mechanisms aren't working. My apetite is gone, has been for weeks, my sleep pattern is completely screwed, I have nightmares all the time (last night was about execution).

As a person who fought for 2 years to get rid of depression, I don't want to go back there, anything but that.

And it isn't just him. His brother will be there (ex number 2). They are planning on getting drunk and intend to leave me stranded at the house for 3 days - this isn't a day, it's 3 days. When they get drunk they both get nasty and pick on me. Andy is worse when his brother is there to watch it.

Andy told me yesterday that he expects me to sleep on the sofa so his brother can sleep in the bed (Andy will sleep on the floor), now if these men were in anyway gentlemen, they would both share the living room (there are 2 sofas) and let me have the bedroom.

I am expected to cook the Christmas Dinner for 7 people - I am the one who bought ALL the food for the event, and yet he won't even give up his room while I'm there. I DON'T want to wake up on Christmas morning, on the sofa. I told him he was treating me like a dog. He denied this.

I can't enjoy this and I don't even see why I should fake this for the girls. Why should every thing I do be an act? There's no point having a family if it isn't real. I want a genuine family where I can be me and not act and all I'm doing is *pretending* for them. After 4 years I'm tired of pretending. Right now I'm so sick of everything I don't care if I do walk away from them, I'm just sick to my senses of this family. Sick to death.

I fell in love with the first person who showed me any care. I got pregnant too young before I could handle it, I didn't anticipate him ever leaving. I made a mistake. I was a stupid, love sick teenager who rushed at everything and I made a mistake. I have tried to take my responsibility for that, I fought for my kids for 2 years, I did my visitation, I DB'ed my butt off with him and them, but none of it ever works.

I know that the only certainty in life is that I WILL be disappointed by them, the only question is how often and how much.

I'm too young to do D drama. I don't want to do anymore visitation. My parents did that when they split and they fought like me and Andy. Then he left because he couldn't make it work. I saw him twice in the 4 years before he died.

I love my father, but I was relieved. Leaving me and going back to Greece was the best thing he could have done for me. He showed me real love by doing that, because there was peace in my family after that. I didn't have to watch them fighting, I didn't have to watch my mother crying, I wasn't the centre of a visitation dispute.

All I felt when he left was relief and even when he died, I still thought I would not change that. He showed me unconditional love by giving up his rights to me to let peace into my life.

This has massively coloured how I think about my kids and as the non-custodial parent, I still believe the only way my kids and I will ever be happy is if I leave. I was happy when my dad left me. I loved him more for it because he put me first, rather than 'his' visitation.

I just feel the biggest gift I can give my kids is not to be there anymore.