Well, I wasn't going to post till tomorrow as I've just got back and it's late, but things aren't wonderful here.
I had a GREAT holiday, had so much fun - haven't had that much fun in years, and DD4 LOVED it - she has asked to go again.
I will post all about my holiday tomorrow when I'm less tired and upset.
Andy picked me up from the train station - I could have got the bus home, it was mainly a test on my part to see if I could do Christmas as a divorced person. I wasn't testing him, I was testing me, to see if I could take it.
The kids weren't with him, and he was dressed in his wedding suit. I asked him where the kids were, he said at home because he had something else to do. I didn't ask what he'd been doing, didn't cross my mind. I was thinking that EX-OW1 would be babysitting the kids as he asks her, in fact, I found out today that he pays her.
He said he was stopping at his house so we could get a cup of tea before he drove me home. My stomach dropped into my shoes, thinking of EX-OW1 there and having to see her.
We got in and I didn't want to go in the kitchen where she was so I went into the living room and said hello to DD1 and DD3.
Then DD2 came and asked me what I wanted to drink. I was terrified that EX-OW1 would make it, so I said nothing and just sat in front of Andy's computer staring at a blank screen.
Andy brought this cup of tea in for me and I sat there, sipping it, getting more and more panicked about being in his house, and annoyed at her being there.
He asked what I'd been upto and I've been up to LOADS on this holiday but I went completely blank because my mind was so panicked so I told him I couldn't remember, which was true at the time.
He asked what the matter was. I said nothing. He said 'yes there is.'
I turned away from him and carried on sipping my tea, but I was so upset just from being in that house and near him, that I just couldn't disguise it. I couldn't 'act as if'. I was sat there pretty much crying, in the end (I cry silently most of the time, tears but no sound).
DD2, who was practising English on the computer, asked me what the matter was. I snapped at her 'Nothing, will you just leave it!?' Andy then noticed I was crying so he said 'Hey Jo, what's the matter?' I refused to answer him.
EX-OW1 went home after he paid her for babysitting and he said to me 'Look, I'll make dinner if you like, I just wasn't sure if I was supposed to.' I didn't answer. Sad if he thinks I'd cry over bloody dinner. I don't care. It's him and the house and the kids and EX-OW1, not bloody food!
So he went in the kitchen and started cooking me pasta with my favourite olives in and all the time I was thinking, 'no, just get me outta here, it's you!'
It just doesn't matter what he does now, nothing he does matters like this. I don't want his friendship, I don't want to raise children with him without custody, I don't want any of this. I just don't want to be near him, full stop.
I had the time of my life on holiday, life is fun when he's not there, a bit lonely I'll admit, but at least I don't cry all the time then.
He said I was looking upset and tried to get me to discuss it but I wouldn't, no point. He never bloody cared in the past so I'm not talking now.
He gave the kids their tea and took our plates through to the living room. I didn't follow. I was rooted to the spot. He called my name to get me to follow him.
He sat down on the sofa next to me and we ate pasta and watched 'The Weakest Link', but I wasn't hungry. I didn't speak all the way through.
Then I got my stuff together and he dropped me and DD4 home and said he'd see us on Christmas Eve.
I sat there stewing on it and then phoned him up and said I couldn't do Christmas again, there was no way, and I told him all the reasons why. He said he and the girls still wanted me there. I asked why. He said because it was 'the right thing to do'.
So I said this is a politically correct thing, you're offering because you ought to, not because you want me there.
We got into this progressively bad argument and he said he needed to know by tomorrow whether I was coming or not, as he hadn't got food in. I put the phone down on him.
Cried my eyes out for 2 hours. I feel so trapped. If I don't go, there will just be me and DD4 on our own all holiday and I'll be upset because of that. If I do go, I'll still be upset, so either way, this will upset me and I don't know what to do.
Before, when he was coming here, I was in control, I had a wall up so that was okay. Now it isn't. I've run out of money so I can't go away (which is what I normally do at Christmas) - that's why I only went for 3 days, the coffers didn't last any longer.
I went to Cyprus last year, Skegness the year before, I paid to stay in a posh hotel the year before that - anything to avoid an awful Jones family Christmas, of which 2 have been a DISASTER since he left.
I am completely out of ideas, with only a few days left till the day, and I was on the floor bawling my head off
