Jay - thanks for the reply. I think it would be better if I had a partner but I'm not healed from the previous so it wouldn't be fair to that man.
I know It'd be easy to forget Andy if I had somebody else, but to me, I want to be with someone because I love them, not because I'm trying to escape Andy. If it was you that was my partner, you would want to know that I loved you and I wasn't just there because I hate being single.
Also, the disability puts men off so I DON'T get men approaching me, as in NEVER. Pretty face doesn't get you anywhere if your legs don't look right. The other men I have been with were there because it started as a sex thing, and men will have you sexually in any circumstance, I found. From those sexual affairs, I dated one for 5 months, but he had an issue with the VS I suffer with.
I have spent years trying to be sexually healthy (physically) - I have no problem with it emotionally. My drive is high, but physically I am unhealthy. When I do ML I can only do it once in one night because of the VS, very rarely sometimes more, but generally once, then I have to wait 2 days or so for the swelling to go down before I can do it again.
Even so, it still means I can ML 3 or 4 times a week, and often did in my M, but I found that the guys I went with all had a problem with this. They all wanted more than one time in a night and all wanted to go on longer than I could. Even when I said 'I am in PAIN, you are HURTING me' they would act as if I'm just saying that because I was hung up about sex. Not one of them understood the VS even when I explained. The guy I dated for 5 months, he looked it up on the internet, he asked me about treatments I was having - he knew all about it, but when it came to our SL, he had no understanding. When I said 'you can't do this every day', he just complained my SD was lower than his, and it had nothing to do with drive. I'd tell him just once tonight as more than that hurts, and he'd just say 'you're alright' as if I hadn't said anything or he'd ask to sleep with me again and I'd end up having to say NO and ruining the mood.
The crunch point happened when he asked to come over and I agreed but reminded him, 'just once tonight' and he got angry, started saying I don't love him blah blah blah and then refused to come over for a planned date just because of the VS. There were other problems too, so I called it off with him.
One of my one night stands was the same, wouldn't accept just once, really hurt me physically. I ended up with open, bleeding wounds on me afterwards and being in pain for a week after.
Even with Andy, I struggled with it. Early in our R he thought it was his fault that I didn't usually 'O' - I tried to explain, it's medical, not you, but he went into this self-blame thing.
Sometimes he'd refuse to ML because he was scared of hurting me, and I'd have to persuade him. He said that he was prepared to live in a celibate M, that he loved me and didn't care if he never ML as long as we could be together. Sweet, romantic, but not viable for a healthy M.
I had to persuade him that it was necessary to have a SL for our M. It took him about 2 years before he stopped being scared of the VS.
So, the very long point I am trying to make is, I'd have to find someone that not only saw through my disability, but also that was prepared to work round the VS. This means 'adapting' the SL to fit with it and most men wouldn't in my opinion. 'I love you but take me on even though I'm sick with a life-long syndrome', - yeah, right.
What with the failure of my M, and all the problems I get with my 'womanhood' - I just think of it as a sign that maybe I'm not meant to have a sexual R. It hurts me emotionally like hell because I think sex and intimacy is beautiful, but I can't see anyone wanting to be my lover with all that - not apart from casual sex, anyway.
When the men on here compliment me, it's the only time I ever feel any hope, 'they find me attractive, maybe not all is lost', type of thing.
But thanks for your friendship, and thanks Jill, for the hug.
