Once again Sassy says all that needs to be said. All the things mentioned in her posts are in line with EVERY article on affairs, divorces and mid life crisis I have read. Re-read them and think about what it means... there's no magic at all - it is what it is. You aren't the first person whose W has done this, and you won't be the last. There are documented stages in the process by many authors of articles an books so, gee whiz, I guess there must be SOMETHING to all the stuff you read from people on this board
Vince, YOU have to stop thinking about 'what if' all the time. Unless you think 'What if she stays nuts? What will my new life look like after I am no longer DEPENDENT on her for my self esteem? What kind of woman would I like to be with?"
For ME I actually make sure I do NOT see my wife as much as I could, living in the same house as we do. When I DO see her I always smile one of my biggest "dont you just love me!" smiles, maybe say hello,but ONLY talk when she starts a conversation. And as soon as it gets to a lull in the conversation I excuse myself and leave.
Why? Because that give ME the chance to NOT say or do something stupid out of my NEEDYNESS. And, when she doesn't say or do what I want her to say or do I don't prolong the pain on me by hanging around trying to get her to say or do what I want. I can't control her.
When she does say or do things I really like or we have a nice few hours together with the kids I relish it. Then I remember that she is still in HER world and thank God for the good experience and go back to practicing 'letting go' again. Yes, it sucks but it's good for ME.
My point is that I can NOT be seen as NEEDY or PURSUING and PURSUING is as SIMPLE as 'hanging around her' to get a chance to talk about anything just so I can feel close to her. Bzzzzztt!
We do a lot better when I stay backed off and only discuss things SHE wants to talk about.
Initially I asked her all about OM. Needed to know the 'competition', what was she 'feeling', etc. I haven't spoken to her on that topic for a month now, and I don't care to. Affairs take months to burn out - and they will.
Quote: but what is it that your Ws are seeing in this man? What is it that he is giving her, that she wasn't getting from you?
Excellent point...my thoughts are that is something that I am going to address on Thur MC...I need to know even if things don't work out...I need to know for future R.
Make sure you don't ask directly, like 'So what does OM have that I didn't have?' no no no. Ask 'what was missing from our relationship that was ost important to you?"
Quote: It was because of my R with him that I was able to grow as a person and find my way in the world without my H..
that is what I'm afraid of...I want her to grow as a person and be happy...I just don't want the "band aid" to become permanant skin because it's never taken off.
No you don't want the bandaid to become permanent. But worrying about it won't help and if you think it will, your FEELINGS (fear, uncertainty, doubt) will affect your ACTIONS (talking about OM, pursuing, saying ILY) all of which will guarantee that even when OM fades away it won't be YOU that will attract her. Knock it off!
Quote: Let go of the pain, bitterness...it's not healthy...you're too good to get caught up in that.
I'm better than last night, but still a little bitter...yesterday really caught me off guard...i thought we were on the "road"...a long bumpy road, but a road no less and now I feel like we are back to square one.
Ever do any 4 wheeling? On some roads you get stuck for a little while in the mud or sand. Others you find out part way the stream is too deep to cross so you have to go back a little and find a better crossing.
You're where most of us were in the first months. I won't say I NEVER feel the way you are right now. I feel it every day. But I also stop and think that if it was REALLY over W wouldn't even talk to me except to arrange visits with kids or other 'co-parenting' stuff. I guarantee you if I kept talking about OM directly she would NEVER talk to me.
I have a lot of hope that he is starting to lose his shine to her. But that's all it is - hope. I always keep the thought in my mind that nothing has changed with OM, not moved forward or backward. BUT I know I have moved forward, and that is something I can control.
And if you can see a doctor, get anti depressants / anti anxiety meds if you can. They help a lot.
