If she says that she wants to see where this goes with him...he must be more of a factor than she says...I really agree with her to some respect...I don't think he has long term potential, security, stable, etc.
I know it's an ultimatum and it disagrees with DBering, but T endorses it and W kinda listens to T I think. I mean isn't there something to say for "Ok, I will hold off on D and work on myself and the M but I would like you to do the same...even if it is just for 4 weeks?"
If she chooses OM, I would just want her to be happy and that is the most unconditional love I can give.
Quote: If she says that she wants to see where this goes with him...he must be more of a factor than she says...I really agree with her to some respect...I don't think he has long term potential, security, stable, etc.
I like your later thoughts better Vince. Him being more of a factor is giving him more power in this than he deserves. Don't...and yes you can set her free and see where it all goes...but you haven't really been in this all that long to just give up and not fight for it either? But again, only you can decide what you want to do.
Talk to your Therapist separately...explore this and really get a good feeling for what the Therapist is thinking. Is this a conventional Therapist or a solution based therapist? You indicated hesitation as for W listening to him...go with your gut...but before you do anything rash that you may regret...talk with the therapist, know if you believe in what he is saying and then sleep on it...you don't have to do this tomorrow. Slow down...I know sometimes we live in a FedEx world and want everything solved right now...but there is no time table in all this...
Quote: Tell me that people really do get through A's...I mean it is such a sad thing to do to a R. I don't know how I'll ever get over it.
and you knew the tv shows were done...LOL!!
Yes, they really do get through the A...of this I promise...whether or not they reconcile with their WAS, they do get through it. It is probably next to losing the one you love through death, the most painful experience that someone can go through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
But look at it in a different way...it's a chance for all of us to grow as individuals...to find our way in the world, to find out who we all are. Looking back at the past 6mos Vince, I wouldn't trade this growing experience for anything. I've learned all over who I am again...what makes me feel great, not feel great...I've learned that I am in control of my life and no one else's. I've learned that by letting go of things and people I have no control over...that things work out.
None of us are perfect, if we were, we wouldn't be here, would we? It's what we do with this experience, where do we take it from here...I see so many people on here that look to their WAS as their only source of happiness...I was there too and now looking back that alone breaks my heart. What happened to us being our own source of happiness. I'm now at a point where you know what, I like myself...I have the greatest group of friends in the world, I have a lovely daughter...so what if I never find love again...while admittedly there is nothing more I would like than to find the one man that I will spend the rest of my days with, it's also more importantly not a necessity in my life. If it happens, great...but I've been fortunate to have experienced it a few times in my life...it's not going to be the end of the world. What would be, would be to lose myself again...and I won't do that...not for anyone.
We think that if we get the WAS to come home now...this very moment, life will be perfect...we can just sweep the A under a rug and move forward...it's not that simple. Life and love is not that simple. The same problems would come up...nothing has been resolved. No one has changed, no one has learned from the experience...but there is still pain in both the LBS and WAS hearts...because the underlying issues for the A were never addressed.
As long as YOU want to get over it, you will...the mind is a powerful thing my friend. You just have to learn how to use it in a positive way.
Discovery from session: she does not see OM as long term prospect at all...she rolled her eyes at the thought...good sign
If she is staying at OM house that much...she must have me and MC fooled huh? He must mean more to her after all. I hate holidays that allow me to stay up and think all night.
I've been fortunate to have experienced it a few times in my life...it's not going to be the end of the world. What would be, would be to lose myself again...and I won't do that...not for anyone.
AMEN to that,sister Sassy.
Spit
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Quote: Discovery from session: she does not see OM as long term prospect at all...she rolled her eyes at the thought...good sign
If she is staying at OM house that much...she must have me and MC fooled huh? He must mean more to her after all. I hate holidays that allow me to stay up and think all night.
I think you are making yourself nuts. In fact I think you ARE nuts! Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!
You are making ASSUMPTIONS. You say "If she is staying at OM house that much" THEREFORE "He must mean more to her after all." more than WHAT? Potatoes? More than having a chocolate bunny at Easter? More than a dolphin shaped vibrator? What is he MORE than to her?
Oh wait, HE must mean MORE to her than YOU or she couldn't possibly want to be with him, right? You hoped that because "she does not see OM as long term prospect at all" that he must mean NOTHING to her and she will dump him right now. Get out! Bad Dog!
Well, when I was 21 there were several girls I liked dating and banging. If you asked ME if I saw a long term relationship with them, I would say NO. But if you asked me to give them up.... well... that's another story. They were my playthings, I liked playing with them. Eventually they got boring or wanted more than to 'play' with me so I would give them up. That's what THEY MEANT, to ME - they were playmates and nothing else. And they were fun.
Our WAW's are acting 17 again. He's a playtoy, nothing more. She basically confirmed this. That means his days with her will end eventually when she gets tired of running from her life, or putting up with HIS. Then she will either face life with you or keep running.
This is a good thing for you. Think of OM as a joke, he's a giant VIBRATOR that doesn't need batteries. Or, reverse the roles. OM sees YOU as the man she would go to after she is done having her way with him, and he'll be cast out like yesterdays trash. Boo hoo. Poor him. That's all he has to look forward to? Kinda sad, isn't it?
My somewhat neurotic point here is simple. "She doesn't see him as anything but a toy for now." So the concept of 'meaning something to her' has no application here. He has no meaning beyond the meaning you would assign to a toy. Very little.
And GO BACK a few posts here and re-read Sassy's post on getting over affairs. She is right on. I'm not 'over' the affair and it's still going on, just long distance. But I have stopped thinking who is better than who, since I'm the better man - I don't have affairs with married women.
And, I am getting treatment.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled whining, already in progress...
