it's been driving me crazy going dark...the whole time knowing she has been at OM house for past three nights... why did she call? better yet why did she not leave a message? If she wanted to pass along info and not talk to me she could always text me (like in the past)... Could my prayers be answered that she might miss me a little?... absolutely killing me to not call her to find out... I guess we are on for therapy...OR...is she going to drop the bomb on me at the session
I understand the concept of DB and am all for it but where is the threshold of pain where we say enough is enough
It's not DBing that's giving you that pain. It's your not DBing that is. That is to say, the technique of going dark involves focussing on yourself, and DB involves thought control. Your pain is stemming from your lack of doing that.
You're right NYS...I read all about this roller coaster ride and I even tell myself that "I'm on it and chill out"...I believe that knoledge is power so if I know that I'm on this roller coaster, why can't I be cool and chill out...
Update. W called today and I can't lie, I was going to answer it...didn't want to wonder another 4-5 days what she wanted. So I go to pick it up and no kidding I was so nervous that I accidently sent into VM...can you believe.
she left a message this time just saying how she wanted to make sure that I knew that the JT session on Mon changed time and she ends the message..."Hope all is well"...yea...it's going real well you $&^%&...not nice, i know.
But there is a side of me that thinks that this is a good sign...a sign that I'm not totally out of sight out of mind and she must be thinking of me a little to call...she is still staying at OM house again tonight...
Sassy, NYS, Hopefloats...anyone? Advise please: is it normal for WA to spend so much time with OM yet still wanting to stay in touch (not a lot) with spouse? I thnk that she has stayed in her brand new apt maybe 3-4 nights in the past 3 weeks all the rest at OM.
Does it help sizzle the A out quicker or does it allow them to grow deeper in love?
Thought I'd catch up on your situation. Sounds very familiar to me...lol!
Anyway, as you can see over on my thread, I've spent about a week and 1/2 being very "dim" in regards to calling H. Before this, I was calling much more frequently. He would answer, and talk to me, but I realized this was not attractive behavior and I had to make a change.
It is SO hard to break away from the person you love and have been married to. It only proves to me how H. must have long ago exited emotionally from our marriage, to be able to take up with o.w. and actually move out. It frightens me that these major changes took place right under my nose while he was still living with me...and I just didn't pick up on it until he was too far gone into the affair to stop.
Anyway, this past week proved interesting, as H. started calling me a lot, and not even waiting for me to return his call...he'd just call right away again. For 3 days this happened. Maybe you should give this technique a try? I dunno, it might speak loudly to your wife.
Just to let you know, I am not seeing anyone, but I think this new behavior may be making my H. think I am. There is something else that happened back on Christmas eve that I believe might also be a reason why he's suddenly more curious, but the stopping of the calls was a 180 for me.
I'm glad I logged on, because I was really thinking of calling him tonight. Now I can see I just can't do it!
I, too, have been worried H. may "want to talk" now that the holidays have passed. So far, he has not said anything, and I even saw him in person yesterday. If he's not bringing up filing, neither am I.
I'll keep in touch; no calling, ok?!!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I don't know the answer to that question. In my case, my H. does not live with o.w. and as far as I know she does not stay overnight with him where he lives. He has 2 housemates (male) and o.w. has a young child, so it doesn't make that very easy.
I have heard that if they do live together, it can end the A. quicker. I mean, think about that. If you're living with someone there is no way to hide your imperfections. Reality is going to set in big time. So, I can see why an A. would end faster. As for the staying in touch part, yeah, I think that can be very normal. For weeks, my H. was seeing both o.w. and me very frequently. I mean, spending time together, not just calling at that point. It was making him a wreck, mind you, but it went on and on. I am terrible at taking my own advice, but I really do think these WAS's think about us a lot more than we ever know.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, I really hope you're right about them thinking about us more than we know...I often feel that how could I reconcile w/ a person that can be such a machine with no feelings...it helps me to think that that is just a wall or barrior to keep us out.
Update. My first MC appt is tomorrow and I know that I will have to take a sleeping pill to sleep tonight...the anxiety is killing me...I really don't know what to expect...It's a double session so I'm sure it will be 2 hours of her telling me what's wrong with me...
If anyone has anyone has any words of wisdom, it would be appreciated.
My thougts is that I do a lot of validating and make sure she know that she has a safe haven to come home to. I can still say how it hurt me and that I did not feel it's appropriate...right?
Then again she might just take the first 10 minutes of the 2 hours and say that she doesn't want to be married anymore. Hope not. But I am planning on it and preparing my rap accordingly.
No new news W called me today and said that she had 101 fever...she actually really sounded bad and that she needed to reschedule...I told her fine she needs to take care of herself and her health (I was very accomidating)...
couple of points of interest...I asked her if she had any juice and she said no...I asked her if she wanted me to bring her anything she said that she was going to crash for a while and when she woke up "I might give you a call if I need somthing" Wow...that is pretty big baby step for me. 2)she ended the call "I'll check in with yu later" another wow..."check in" like she needs to do that...almost like we were still married...oh, I guess we are...
I'm really not expecting to hear from W one way or the other...I know from you all to believe none of what I hear and half of what I see...but it was still nice to hear kindness from her.
so why leave a therapy session to waste so I went...couple of interesting points...C is W therapist also.
1) C thinks W wants me to "see what her 'real' issues are" 2) C thinks that OM is as W says "not important to the sits at all, a real non-factor" As weird as that is, it kinda made me feel good...she is still sleeping with OM but weird enough I don't feel so bad about that...still sucks but not as bad as it HAS hurt prior. I asked C if she thought that she was just pulling the wool over or T...she said that she didn't think so because there was enough evidence that backs it up because she was looking for the deceit...she says that she could be pulling the wool over her own eyes and therefore...but she doesn't think so. 3) W is worried that I will change to get her back only to change back after I get her back. (changes won't be real)
Well marriage T is rescheduled for Thur night...is it Wed yet?
W just called me to let me know her fever went down and that she wasn't going to need anything..whew...I'm so freaking out...still planning for the worst but could she be questioning her decision?
I know, I know...it's a roller coaster and I'm just on the high part right now soon to go down...but it's been soo long since I have been on the high I almost have my appetite back for 5 minutes...man what a great diet!!!!
I have not posted since Monday...did not hear from W yesterday and have not heard from her today despite her saying that she would talk to me before our MC session Thur night...granted she could call tomorrow the day of...but it would make more sense if she called tonight.
Oh well, I know the ride of the roller coaster...
My session is tomorrow night and feeling again a little squeemish about it despite being given a "little" confidence that it would not be the D bomb in the session. But I have no idea how it is going to go...I just want to get the ball rolling so I can see what kind of direction this thing is going to go.
A GF told me tonight, after I told her about the W being sick and saying that she might call me if she needed anything, that she thinks that the W was just reverting back to comfort zone and she wouldn't call OM because she wouldn't want him to see her like that...She is saying that she does not think that I should read that much good in that sitch...
My feeling is that it must not be true love if she doesn't want to him to see her like that and 2) "She is reverting back to her comfort zone" Well does that suck that she still feels like I'm her comfort zone and not OM? I don't think so...
I have not posted since Monday...did not hear from W yesterday and have not heard from her today despite her saying that she would talk to me before our MC session Thur night...granted she could call tomorrow the day of...but it would make more sense if she called tonight.
Oh well, I know the ride of the roller coaster...
My session is tomorrow night and feeling again a little squeemish about it despite being given a "little" confidence that it would not be the D bomb in the session. But I have no idea how it is going to go...I just want to get the ball rolling so I can see what kind of direction this thing is going to go.
A GF told me tonight, after I told her about the W being sick and saying that she might call me if she needed anything, that she thinks that the W was just reverting back to comfort zone and she wouldn't call OM because she wouldn't want him to see her like that...She is saying that she does not think that I should read that much good in that sitch...
My feeling is that it must not be true love if she doesn't want to him to see her like that and 2) "She is reverting back to her comfort zone" Well does that suck that she still feels like I'm her comfort zone and not OM? I don't think so...
