NYS, as I have read you didn't get any response from In laws...me neither...No response to my Text "HNY"...I think deep down I just wanted a "you too"...anything to show that they have not just turned me off like the W has...
This is so crazy how amzing the human mind is...It can turn off a switch (defense mech) and you just don't care anymore...Why can't I do the same?
That is it...the backbone of detaching...figure how to turn your switch off...I read a book on detaching and making yourself "fall out of love" (like WAW has done) and basically you do the same that W does...think about all the bad times and all the things she has done to me and imagine that bright in color and then the good time visualize them in black and white and blur the picture in you head...then remember another bad time in vivid color etc...do this over and over and you begin to know how the WAW is detaching.
The problem is that we/I are scared to detach...it almost feels like we're playing God with love and forcing ourselves to detach and get over the S just to have to get on the roller coaster and try to "re-establish the love" again if the WA comes back...But is that such a bad thing...so the worst thing is that you have to re-establish love and a relationship...that could be fun...dating, getting that warm feeling in your gut when you get to see her. But then again maybe she dumps you on you a$$ and your mentally prepared for it (more likly)
Scared to detach? Listen, it's just a way of dealing with things, a way that lessens pain and puts you more in control of your life. In reality, nothing changes, just your handling of it.
OK...it's 11:45pm...W just called as I'm trying to gain strength from the board...I have been dark since last Wed...it's been driving me crazy going dark...the whole time knowing she has been at OM house for past three nights...well it took all my strength to not answer and guess what...no message...tell mw my mind is not racing a million miles an hour right now.
Venting below... so don't read unless you're board...
why did she call? better yet why did she not leave a message? If she wanted to pass along info and not talk to me she could always text me (like in the past)... Could my prayers be answered that she might miss me a little?
Or more realistic... is she thinking after the past few nights with OM...she doesn't want to waste any more time going to our first therapy appt and just file for D.
Usually don't like to beg for feedback but really looking for some thoughts from the board on this one.
It's all thoughts that you could drive yourself crazy with not knowing...why bother? I know how it feels, you want to know...but she didn't leave a message. Perhaps she was just checking in to see if you were THERE? Maybe she wanted to hear your voice...the point being you don't know...but she did attempt to make contact...but since she didn't leave a message I would still leave the ball in her court to make contact again.
No news on my late night phone call last night from W...she did not call back today and I have not called her back...absolutly killing me to not call her to find out what she wanted...But you know a part of me does not want to call her back because I think it will be some bad news for me ie, "I have decided to not go through with counseling and go straight for D...
I am sooo prepared for that phone call...I have a script of what I'm going to say (stole it from the brilliant board here) and I carry it around with me wherever I go.
I think she is meeting OM for the game...isn't she sneaky?
anyone have any thoughts about the phone call last night? Please tell me not to call W back. Why such a late to start such a heavy conversation?
Ok just got a call from C and she said that W said session time for Monday is fine (2 hr)...so I guess we are on for therapy...OR...is she going to drop the bomb on me at the session so she can be in a controled atmosphere but still say that she did it in person...wait...if W is totally worried about reputation...that would not look too good to tell your H you want a D at your first MT session, right?
Thoughts from this wise board for guidence? Please?
I am assuming that our posts crossed here Vince...
Okay, so you are expecting the worst and hoping for the best. That is excellent. However, let's get back to Vince. You're spending valuable time spinning your mind around onto why she is calling, not calling, not leaving messages...it's all speculation. But what could you be doing? What should you be doing? What have you been doing? That's what DB is all about...GAL, working on your PMA...
You think she's sneaky about going to a game...sheesh, honey she's sneaky because she's with another man. Whatever she does is going to be sneaky, again Vince, what are YOU doing?
Of course I am telling you not to call her back...we all know that curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back...9 times if I am not mistaken...if it will put your mind at ease in this cheeseless tunnel, then by all means, call her and find out what she wanted...and then she's going to know that you're checking up on your phone calls to see the missed call...or that you sat there looking at the phone that rang and didn't pick up...sorry honey...that is not very attractive. What would be more attractive is that you are out getting a life, that's why you didn't pick up the phone so that when she does call and says What have you been up to...you have something other than Oh waiting for your call to say.
Good on the therapy...but again, let the reason for the session go...already anticipating the reason why...let it go...I know Vince how hard this is...trust me doll I really do and I don't mean to smack you with my ruler...but take the focus off of her...and put it back on YOU!!!
Wow...Thank you...I really needed that...You're right...I was doing so well and then New Years came and I fell off the horse...This needs to be more about me and less about her... I really think that I have been expecting the worst for so long, when I got that glimmer of interest by W...it kinda jolted me...I didn't sleep a wink last night.
And you have to know that I have an insecurity (like I think most of us novice DB would) that by not returning the call I would actually fuel the fire...But...I would not ever not call back so I'm putting my faith in 180 tech.
And you have to know that I have an insecurity (like I think most of us novice DB would) that by not returning the call I would actually fuel the fire...But...I would not ever not call back so I'm putting my faith in 180 tech.
Yes it is an insecurity...but it's okay...do yourself a favor and go over and read Hope Floats thread...she's been going through this also...and look at the response she is getting from H...he's wigging out because she's not answering and making herself completely accessible...she's learning and has come a long way...Do you remember Pavlov's dog...you honor and reward good behaviour? When she calls, let her, force her to leave a voice mail...then you can decide based on the message whether or not it warrants a response. Nine times out of 10 the WAS just needs to know that you are there...it helps them to continue to live their little fantasy life...but when you make yourself less accessible...then something stirs inside the WAS...it's a mystery, they cannot focus on themselves or the op for that matter...they HAVE to know that you are still there.
WHAT IF THE BEST THING FOR ME IS TO GET AWAY FROM THE W? I mean...I have no kids...she obviously doesn't want to be with me...she is at OM house again tonight...I understand the concept of DB and am all for it but where is the threshold of pain where we say enough is enough...I am relatively young and this is absolutly the craziest thing I have ever been a part of.
Had a small relapse tonight...I have been out all night drinking and text W "R U still up" (knowing she is at OM house)...she did not respond...just found out my grandfather has terminal cancer and want her to know that he only has a few weeks to live.
Not a great start to 2006...lose my wife, grandfather and close friend in the same 3-6 mos.
Quote: WHAT IF THE BEST THING FOR ME IS TO GET AWAY FROM THE W? I mean...I have no kids...she obviously doesn't want to be with me...she is at OM house again tonight...I understand the concept of DB and am all for it but where is the threshold of pain where we say enough is enough...I am relatively young and this is absolutly the craziest thing I have ever been a part of.
Honey that is something that only you can decide. True you have no real binds together (family) but I wonder if you aren't reacting on emotion thinking like this also. Our minds play strange games with us when we get caught up in the moment of emotion.
Not a real lapse, or backslide it was real...you were reaching out because she had been there in the past. Perhaps if she had known the reason behind the TM she may have responded, again who's to say? Hard to speculate on anything.
Vince, give yourself sometime...work on GAL and see what happens. It took me 6mos of ups and downs and reflection to realize that I really didn't want to continue to live as I had been living. Yes, I may have loved Wanker...but life with him again, with me as I am now and he as he still is, simply not possible. He can never be the man I want or need in my life. He had every opportunity given to him and he couldn't rise to it. That was my call...this is my new walk in life.
I don't know how long you have been in your sitch...but give it time...I think because you are still clearly reacting on emotion that you are not ready to make a firm decision and one that you would be living with the rest of your life. Let it go for now, let it all go...work on you...find Vince...as you said you are young, you have so much time in front of you, use that to your advantage.
