This girl I'm married to is way too far away to come back...just noticed that after asking when she moved out to not do something as hateful as taking all her cloths and leaving the wedding dress in the closet...well when she moved out she took the dress to my pleasing...just looked in our closet today and she must have brought it back to slap me in the face yesterday when she came over to get her work stuff.
I'm trying not to get angry...I'm trying to think of it's just her trying to get a rise...but why...I have done nothing to her...Is she that riddled with guilt that she has to do this to me? Is that normal for the WAW behaivor?
I was all prepared for W to deny the JT for next week and prepared myself for the worst and she agreed to go to the therapy next week...whew...I am so emotionally drained...I can feel myself checking out and I want to let her know because I know once I check out and it really starts to sink in as what she has done to me PA, lieing etc, I will hard pressed to ever forgive...Is that where I'm supposed to be mentally? If so I'm just about there.
I asked W what do you want to get from the session...she said "I don't know"...really ambivolent...I ahve decide that IF she actually does show up for the appt I will be open but if I feel like she is conducting a charade, I will cut the cord, because I don't want to sit there and allow her to continue to demonize me and hurt me
Quote: I'm trying not to get angry...I'm trying to think of it's just her trying to get a rise...but why...I have done nothing to her...Is she that riddled with guilt that she has to do this to me? Is that normal for the WAW behaivor?
It seems to me that the guilt goes along with the A. My W hasn't even admitted to the A yet. She has so much guilt right now that she doesn't have the guts to stand up and tell me that she's seeing someone. She just keeps hinting at the little things thinking I'll file and she can come out of this smelling like a rose. W hasn't mentioned D in two or three weeks. I think she is living in themoment and not really thinking about what she's doing. I really want to let her know how I feel, but I know that getting her to sit down a talk about it will not having easily. I thought that things were working out slowly, but it seems now that my confidence and positive thinking may have told her that I have moved on and that I don't care enough to make it work. I really need some help on this. Found that W has put a couple of pics up of OM. This person has a violent past with her they were engaged once and she broke it of because he used to beat her.
Work Like you don't need to money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching
My Story
she must have brought it back to slap me in the face
Maybe yes, maybe not. Either way, the deal here is for you to not personalize stuff she does or doesn't do and let it roll of you.
I'm trying to think of it's just her trying to get a rise...but why...I have done nothing to her...Is she that riddled with guilt that she has to do this to me? Is that normal for the WAW behaivor?
If her intent truly is to anger you, then what she may be doing is trying to fuel her justification (which also indicates she's running out of justification, and also indicates she's not done with you). If she gets you angry, and you demonstrate that anger to her, she can say to herself, "See? He'll never change. I'm right to be doing what I'm doing."
I was all prepared for W to deny the JT for next week and prepared myself for the worst and she agreed to go to the therapy next week...whew...I am so emotionally drained...I can feel myself checking out and I want to let her know because I know once I check out and it really starts to sink in as what she has done to me PA, lieing etc, I will hard pressed to ever forgive...Is that where I'm supposed to be mentally? If so I'm just about there.
You're getting emotionally drained because you're very vested into her, detachment from her will balance you. You're on a rollercoaster. Telling her "I will hard pressed to ever forgive" is something you may therefore regret saying later. Where you're "supposed" to be mentally is disengaged from her; see her actions more as a side show rather than the main event.
I asked W what do you want to get from the session...she said "I don't know"...really ambivolent...I ahve decide that IF she actually does show up for the appt I will be open but if I feel like she is conducting a charade, I will cut the cord, because I don't want to sit there and allow her to continue to demonize me and hurt me
Her not having an outcome to the JT is telling; it does indicate that she's not doing this whole heartedly. This may come out in the JT sessions. Again, don't permit her "demonizing" you to hurt you, turn your switch off. She's not happy, she's painted you black in her mind, that's where she's at, and she's done that because she has issues dealing with reality. Perhaps that aspect will be apparent to the therapist, in which case the therapist may suggest individual counseling for her.
It seems to me that the guilt goes along with the A. My W hasn't even admitted to the A yet. She has so much guilt right now that she doesn't have the guts to stand up and tell me that she's seeing someone. She just keeps hinting at the little things thinking I'll file and she can come out of this smelling like a rose.
You're coloring her actions with your assessments. I think it's more like that she is giving you little clues so that you'll make the break for her, because she hasn't the resolve to commit to finalizing the end of your relationship.
I really want to let her know how I feel, but I know that getting her to sit down a talk about it will not having easily.
Telling her how you feel will serve to vent your feelings, but insofar as drawing her closer, you know it won't help that effort, so the issue becomes "what do you wish to attain here?" It's like if you had a meeting with your boss, and you really want to tell him off, but you also really want that raise, how do you handle yourself then?
it seems now that my confidence and positive thinking may have told her that I have moved on and that I don't care enough to make it work.
That's not a bad thing. Remember, the one who least wants the relationship has the most power over it. When one partner backs off, the other is more likely to fill that void and pursue. If you create that void, then if it's in her, she's more likely to feel that void.
This person has a violent past with her they were engaged once and she broke it of because he used to beat her.
Wow. Well, if he hasn't changed, he's likely to demonstrate the same behavior again, given time.
Quote: This person has a violent past with her they were engaged once and she broke it of because he used to beat her.
Wow. Well, if he hasn't changed, he's likely to demonstrate the same behavior again, given time.
She had made a comment just before I left the house that "He's not like that anymore and I would never put our kids in any harm"
I know that I need to keep DBing and be patient with this. I have several people telling me that I need to get over it and move on, but they don't have the investment in this the way I do. I really need help with detachment. I have made signifigant changes in my life and I am dealing with this very well. I'm just now getting on the big coaster and I need advice from those who have been through it. Can some check or recheck my sitch and let me know if I'm on the right track? I'm going to schedule a DB coach soon, however I started a new job and I won't get a paycheck for another two weeks.
Work Like you don't need to money
Love like you've never been hurt
Dance like no one is watching
My Story
It's been a few days since my last post...I have been dark with W for 3 days...last time we spoke I told her that I wanted to wish her Happy New Year if I didn't talk to her before and here we are I have not talked to her...You know I called on Christmas Day and was not expecting a call back but got one...This time (New Years), I'm not texting or calling...staying total dark.
Now you asking youself, well of course you're supposed to go dark why is that a big deal? WEll it's a big deal because She is over at OM house tonight for New YEars, and I just found out my grandfather has very very bad cancer...Happy Friggin New Year! Let me tell you...I'm so proud of myself for controling my anger and looking at it not as a side show, like NYS suggests but an actual circus act consisting of clowns and fools.
But honestly I am upset, so I know that I have not totally detached yet...Is that the sign when you detach?
Hey, VINCES, thanks for stopping by my post. Happy New Year.
I was the king of detatched here a few months ago and tonite my WAW called 15 minutes before midnite and started crying saying she was sorry for leaving me alone on New Years....This is my first holiday alone in 13 years, so I was already feeling down, now I don't feel so detatched any more.
It ebbs and it flows, my friend. Sorry you're in the situation you're in tonite. I vowed to myself I wouldn't be spending my next New Year's alone. I hope you do the same.
Once again, may the spirit of the season carry you through the New Year....
Don't know if this breaks darkness or not, but here is what I did...along with many texts of Happy NY to friends and family...I also sent one to MIL and BIL...BIL I am (was) somewhat close to...he kinda looks up to me...No text or call to W...but I remember seeing something of no calls to family...have I messed up going dark?
but I remember seeing something of no calls to family...have I messed up going dark?
I don't think a simple holiday greeting constitutes a mess-up. In fact, I think it shows you're cordial and living your life and simply thinking of them in that sense.
Was what you read more along the lines of not speaking with WAS's family about the sitch, more so than about sending a holiday geeting?
