I don't think that I want to work on it and take months out of my life on her to continue the A...I'm no spring chicken, 37
To me, 37 is a spring chicken age, lol. I guess at most any age we can feel like that, yet I do see people of many ages finding partners. I'm 51 right now, and find I attract women anywhere from about 25 on up. Older women report attracting younger men. Being 37 is not a bad thing! My ex FIL was widowed in his early 70's and now has a "companion". Met a guy a couple of weeks ago that met his current wife in his early 70's. It's a big world.
I hear what you're saying, yet one week ago you were saying you really wanted her back. You sitch is young, and you're on the emotional rollercoaster, and when the coaster is down, you'll feel like calling it quits. You'll feel differently when it's up.
You don't have to devote yourself to work on this, but you can still work on this without taking months out of your life. More on that later. One reason to do so may be that having no regrets; you may want to know that you did all you could do, and walk away not wondering "what if?". You may want to know that you gave it enough time. You may not want to regret that you acted too hastily, after all, your situation is still young.
feel like there is someone that might be interested in me that does not have commitment issues.
Hmmm... you guys were trying for a baby when this happened. You may be unto something here, as that most certainly could be something that triggers a commitment phobe to panic and run. Have you read "She's Scared He's Scared" by Carter and Sokol? Give it a read and see if any bells ring for you.
So now, I'm thinking, and this is just a guess, those birth control pills she was taking... if that was so that she wouldn't get pregnant by you, it would seem to confirm her commitment issues. How long were you married?
The way I feel is if she wants him that bad, have him and the life that goes along with it...not the way I would want to live, but maybe they are in love.
Maybe they are, but it's unlikely they are. They're probably more into infatuation at this stage, if anything. The OM being the opposite of you indicates that it's not about love, it's about her seeking something else, anything else. OM is only serving her purpose for the time being and unwittingly plays that role, and she's likely to come to a realization that he's not suitable as a life partner.
I just can't take the pain anymore
What you're feeling is normal. The pain can be crippling, for sure. Yet whether you work on the relationship or not, this pain can continue, there is no escaping it. The only way to truly stop/ease the pain is to go through the process and work on thought control, disengaging, letting go and GAL etc. That takes some time.
Would love to have a success story that LRT worked by filing for D, but honestly I don't care. The hurt that would have to be overcome, she should have to seriously repent to even consider and that is just not her.
Filing for D doesn't change anything but the legal status of the marriage. That's not part of the LRT. If there isn't a substantial reason to D right now, so early in the sitch, such as to protect financial assets if she's depleting the accounts, or that you're not getting child support, for example, then there's no rush to D. Serving her D papers will likely not cause her to turn around in her tracks.
LRT consists of going darkish by not initiating contact and being vague about yourself when you do have contact with her, not engaging in pursuing behaviors, and GAL and detaching emotionally from her while still being positive and loving in your contacts with her. That sounds like a good step for you, as doing that will help you center yourself and put your focus on you. It will also probably have her feel the loss of you, which is anathema to a commitment phobe.
LRT won't take months out of your life as you'll be moving forward, this just being how you'll do so and how you'll treat her when and if she makes contact with you. Look at it as an option rather than a sole purpose; keeping the door open while not waiting around the door. Also to consider is that you may very well not be ready to be with someone else at this time. First you have to get yourself back and over this thing. You may look into group activities rather than one on one dating to have a social life. Do have a social life.
but what is the best that I can wish for...total reconciliation...a life of wondering if she is late coming home from work, is she cheating again? What kind of life is that? That is the best I can wish for?
Well, some people do have successful reconciliations and do end up with a better bond than they had before. Rather than wondering "what ifs", why don't we cross that bridge when we get to it? If she came back to you some time in the future, you have the option of determining what you'd like to do at that point.
and find I attract women anywhere from about 25 on up I love hearing that...makes me feel like there will still be someone else out there for me.
You sitch is young, and you're on the emotional rollercoaster, and when the coaster is down, you'll feel like calling it quits. You'll feel differently when it's up. I know my situation is young and I feel so weak...many people on here are so strong that they can wait months...I just don't think that I have it in me...not the way it is now...If I had some baby steps and W was not so cold to me, I might be more receptive
Hmmm... you guys were trying for a baby when this happened. You may be unto something here, as that most certainly could be something that triggers a commitment phobe to panic and run.
yes and she has a pattern developing with other H and prob boyfriends. Prev husband lasted about 2 years also...I think that will be my next set of books COMMITMENT PHOBIA...recommend any titles?
So now, I'm thinking, and this is just a guess, those birth control pills she was taking... if that was so that she wouldn't get pregnant by you, it would seem to confirm her commitment issues. How long were you married?
she took them to keep us from baby or she took them to keep her safe with OM...I think that is when she started becoming PA. We were married 2 years 11/3
Maybe they are, but it's unlikely they are. They're probably more into infatuation at this stage, if anything.
Problem is she thinks that the infat stage is "love"...classic case of why she is not "in love" with me anymore.
OM is only serving her purpose for the time being and unwittingly plays that role, and she's likely to come to a realization that he's not suitable as a life partner.
I agree she has already told me this...but right or wrong I think that is why I'm throwing her into his arms to figure it out...but I can't take the pain to just watch it play out...I thought that I could but I can't...I have to withdraw and I can't while I'm still thinking of her always. Not to say that I won't if we were divorced but I think that deep down she will always wonder what she lost and maybe come to her senses.
You may look into group activities rather than one on one dating to have a social life. Do have a social life.
Yes...I asked a girl out a best buy yesterday just to see if I still got it...I still got it...we've been texting each other all day...It has been a real ego boost for me.
I emailed W this morning telling her I was through...actually it wan't that nice...I told her that I was filing on Monday...now of course I regret sending it...I knew the 24 hr rule of cooling off but I had convinced myself that it did't matter and my mind wouldn't change...Oh well...have not heard from her about the letter and know she got it so I'm sure she is relieved as now I'm the bad guy and she can save face...whatever...you know I wonder...am I really in love with her or am I in love with the idea of being in love with her and all the wonderful things a relationship has to offer.
well W is still at OM house, so I had a date tonight and it felt great...It showed me many things...one that I still can have a life without W...not my choice but if I have to I will...and I think that it helps my mindset to not think of her so much...I feel bad for the OW that I was on a date with because I'm not totally there mentally...just trying to get a life...I think I'm clear with her though...W is supposed to go to joint C first week of Jan...we'll see if that comes true...hard to believe that she is staying at OM house every night but still might want Marriage C...we'll see...if I get any resistance I will prob cut the cord...too painful to drag on without commitment.
it's not fair to the other people to get involed with people who are 1/2 heartedly trying to fix their marriage at the same time dating
if you don't wish to continue the marriage then go for a quickie divorce since you have grounds of adultery
was the OW even aware of the fact that you are married?
how can you demand commitment when you are out dating too?
what makes you any better than your wife who you're complaining about being out with OM?
you can't get a life without adding to the mess which you already have?
until the ink is dry on the divorce papers you are very married
if you want to date then get the ball rolling on the divorce
if you want your marriage then get to work on correcting the things which need to be fixed in your marriage
& leave the flousys alone - yes she's a flousy if she went out knowingly with a married man regardless of the fact that you say you're "Seperated = a condition of marriage"
so either she's a flousy or you lied to her either outright or by ommision
either way just because your wife is doing wrong doesn't make it right for you to also do wrong
You're right...I did say I was seperated...I think I'm lonly and trying to mask the pain...but that is not an excuse...you know I prob have a deep down urge to to "get even" and I know that is not right either...I think I'm lost right now...today was rough...my maid told me that last week my W threw away a ripped picture away of our engagement night...don't know how it ripped...I assume she ripped it and threw it out. That crushed me.
Then I went by her new apt complex just to see the surroundings and neighborhood...I got so sad that she is willing to live there instead of our nice dream home...of course she has not stayed there since she moved out...interesting...She must hate me so much or she must really be in love.
I think I have the same dilima as everyone here...do I break a week of darkness to wish W and her Family Merry Christmas? Maybe just a voicemail...would love some feedback from the experienced board thanks
do I break a week of darkness to wish W and her Family Merry Christmas?
I was wrestling with that myself, especially since the ex had emailed me a 'merry christmas'. I think the answer is "yes". While I'm basically remaining dark regarding her, I concluded "friendship" means at minimum remembering birthdays and holidays, if you wish to keep a friendship going. But keep it simple! No sentiments, no messages, just the holiday greeting.
Well, today is tough...like many of you are going through the same...I find myself throwing myself into this site over the past two days trying to gain strength and it has helped...
I called my W this morn and wished her a Merry Christmas and of course got her VMail...my message was very up beat and light and to the point...did not think I would get a call back but within about 10-20 minutes I did get a call back and in that split second I had to decide to answer or to not...maybe wrong, maybe right I don't know but of course I did answer and I think she was suprised, she prob hated that she couldn't just leave a VM...I was very upbeat, livly and positive...we talked small chat for about 3-4 minutes and then I told her I had better get back to the family and she quickly ask me to wish my family a Merry Christmas before I got off...I said you do the same and I'll talk to you later. I was so empowered when I got off the phone...I was stong and confident in my call (of course she does not know that for the past two days I have been in misery)
I'm starting to see a pattern developing here with me...when I prepare myself for the worse and it doesn't happen, I'm pleasantly suprised and can handle the sits much better...like the phone call...it sucked...we were distant, there was no affection or love, but I didn't even think I would get a phone call back so I was enjoying what I did get from her...Is this what they call baby steps? HOWEVER, PLEASE HEAR ME...I do not think this is a sign of better things to come...I feel she is just keeping the face corgial for the social and family views. I still feel that she is going to refuse the MC next week which will send me off the deep end and I will not want to continue...soI am preparing myself for the worst which will for her to say that I don't want to work at M or go the C...so we'll see...
New news... W called this morning and wanted to get some work stuff that she needed for her apt...I told her no problem but I wasn't home...I was heading for a brunch (really was at home with just the mall to do)...she said, "where are you going" (loved that...she hasn't been curious as to what the heck I have been doing for months)...
so I told her that she could do it while I was at brunch as not to make her family uncomfortable...
so I went to the mall to do my returns under the guise of somthing more fun and exciting like brunch (with who?) so she calls and i don't answer because I'm in the gap...she left me a message that she wasn't coming to the house till 4:30 and hour and a half after she said...
so being the creative type that I am....I went to abercrombie and fitch where they had the music blasting (great marketing strategy by the way...great energy) and I called her with the music blastin...she said where are you and I said that "we" decided to head to the next spot LaStrada after brunch (she knows LaStrada brunchs are parties...we have done them many times including when we first started dating)...I said that I was having some people over after we leave to BBQ so I really needed a time that she would be done...she told me that she would be gone in 30 min and she'll let me know when she leaves.
so I get home (from the mall)Prepared to see my house emptied and she didn't get anything except her work stuff...But...
couple of points of interest...I left a stuffed animal for our/her dog for Christmas and told her that it was there...when I got home she had not taken it...she moved it so I know she saw it, but didn't take it...what a slap in the face.
secondly...would love some feedback on this one...I went to throw somthing in the trash and I saw wadded up paper that got my attention...it had writing on it...after looking at it...I realized that they were the name and phone number that a couple friends that are girls left me and me not thinking or caring to hide she saw them and wadded them up and threw them away...hmmmm...Does that mean she cares?
