I am so sorry to hear your stories. I am also new to this board - and also in a similar situation. To both of you, in some ways. My H has had 1.5 year long EA which at some point, became PA - not sure how long ago but for quite a while. It is not very passionate, because he is rather asexual, but nevertheless they do have sex.

Like your OM, my OW is without a car and very needy. He drives her around and feels in power and more appreciated than at home, plus she listens to him oh so much more attentively to the same stuff I heared already thousands time in our 27 years togoether.

Vinces, you ask the right question - "do I want her back?" Of course I cannot answer that, but I can tell you that if I were your age and knew what I know now about relationships, I'd walk away from my marriage. I am holding on to it now because after so many years together, at the age of 56, this is my only home and he is my only family. He is warm and caring, and nurturing and I know he loves me his way. But I realized that he is not and will not be my true partner and soul mate unless he will do a LOT of work on his self-development (which I am realistic enough to know is not gonna happen - I smile because I made a committment to myself to make a lemonade from lemons :-)

My marriage is also my security blanket which a woman at my age needs. If I'd walk now, I would be in so much worse situation both - economically and also emotionally. It is very unlikely I would meet a soulmate my age - maybe I would if I'd look hard, but I am not willing to look that hard...

What I mean is that there is many more reasons for me to hang on to a rather mediocre relationship now than when I was 30 or even 40 -- when I was still very yung and had a whole life ahead of me.

If I knew then, what you know now, I would look for a person with integrity. This is the highest character trait to look for -- sadly most of us don't understand it.

I fell for my husband because he is so kind and so gentle and such a good, really good person. I didn't realized that without the integrity him being nice is not enough. He got attached to someone in need by being nice, he lies to cover up so that I don't get hurt (he thinks) but actually he is so nice that he just doesn't want arguments and confrontations... etc. etc.

Relationship without integrity of BOTH partners is dooomed to be a very rocky road. Whether we can or cannot trust the other person is not up to us (assuming that we are capable of trusting others, of course). It is really up to them.

I know already that most likely I will be never able to trust my husband because I know that most likely he will never change -- he will not become a trustworthy person. I will still love him, and even like him, and will stay with him - but not trust him... Which is a really not cool perspective, when we think about it...

But I have a lot to win by rationalizing my stay in this situation and too much to lose by leaving..

With you as a young person it might be - most likely IS - a different story. You have a whole life ahead of you...

Don't ask yourself if you will be able to trust her - believe me, you are able to do whatever you choose. You are capable to do much more than you are able to realize. So, never mind whether or not you will be able to trust. I can tell you - you will.

But the real question is this - will SHE become a person who deserves that trust?

hope this helped.

sunny greetings,
PandaWanda


Sunny greetings from Florida, Wanda My unusual MLC scenario