Ifeel like I'm going to explode...about eight weeks ago I found out my wife was taking B-control pill behind my back (when we were supposed to be trying for a child)...when confronted she said that she is not sure if she is ready...a week or so passed and I discovered lies and deceit all centered around a co-worker...she promised that they are just friend...kinda like that guy friend you had in college that you could tell everything to she said...she went on to say that she has been trying to figure out why she is drawn to him (not in a sexual way) but EA...she said that he is low motivated, no drive is not financially secure has a room mate, lives way out. The complete opposite of me. She says that she knows that I have all the qualities of the ideal husband but I know you have all heard it before "I just don't know if I'm in love anymore." I would love to take out an ad in the national news and explain to people that this is natural so they don't freak out like this...well she pointed out all my flaws of being controling and of course EA is not...so I have read every book on control issues and have been trying to fix myself...but she has not wanted any contact and I am trying to reverse the dynamic by not pursueing and begging, which is what I had done for weeks. It's been two weeks today since I last spoke to her on the phone...she is staying at a girl friends house...the same girl that asked me many times to find someone like me for her...wonder what she thinks now? What I know is that my wife is having at least EA and at worst a PA...she is not open to MC and does not seem to open to any communication...when I tell you that we were fine one minute planning a family and the next it was like a switch was turned off...I'm really confused on if I should continue this non communication...My last conversation two weeks ago was asking if this time away from us was helping she said that she is enjoying her autonomy...of course I said that you can have auto within a marriage...Any W or DB have any words of wisdom? I could really use the help.
Sorry to see you here. Your situation does not sound that far from mine. My W is unfortunately having a PA with someone who owns no vehicle, does not have a steady job from season to season, and seems to be not much above a drifter. Whereas I have worked my @ss off to support our family, pay for the vehicles W has wanted to buy, pay for the house she has wanted to build, etc etc etc. We moved into the middle of nowhere so we could build the house W wanted - and essentially killed off my chances of having a life, what with work, two small kids, long commutes, and no one nearby to have fun with. Then I got sick and the situation got worse, but my point is this - W views me as not having any life, while OM is 'full of life'.
What I have found is that time and patience is the only thing we have to work with, other than working on ourselves. If your W is having an affair, there is nothing you can do at this point to stop it or control it. All you can do is work on yourself, and change the things in your life that you can. I can't say that it will work for me, hopefully it will work for both of us. If you haven't read DR or DB, you should, plus there are other readings you might try, like the 5 Love Languages. I hope things work out for you.
Out with the old, in with the new
2006 will be better than 2005
Thanks for the feedback...I have read the two DB books and many others searching for answers...I know that time is my friend...especially due to the fact that if she has already acknowledged that the guy does not have long term characteristics...but I am getting through the hurt stage and now entering the anger phase...I'm thinking, do I want her back? Will I ever be able to trust her again...I'm not a bad looking guy, successful, Fun...I can find another W and life partner...OK...but I really want my W back...Does anyone have any thoughts on calling...of course keeping it light and not asking to see her, but just to check in and demonstrate how I have been changing (not telling her) maybe even be quick to get off the phone?
I was afraid that would be the answer...I really think she is using the out of sight out of mind tech and it is killing me...Do you even think she ever is thinking of me or us? Do you think that lack of contact encourages contact by W?
I am so sorry to hear your stories. I am also new to this board - and also in a similar situation. To both of you, in some ways. My H has had 1.5 year long EA which at some point, became PA - not sure how long ago but for quite a while. It is not very passionate, because he is rather asexual, but nevertheless they do have sex.
Like your OM, my OW is without a car and very needy. He drives her around and feels in power and more appreciated than at home, plus she listens to him oh so much more attentively to the same stuff I heared already thousands time in our 27 years togoether.
Vinces, you ask the right question - "do I want her back?" Of course I cannot answer that, but I can tell you that if I were your age and knew what I know now about relationships, I'd walk away from my marriage. I am holding on to it now because after so many years together, at the age of 56, this is my only home and he is my only family. He is warm and caring, and nurturing and I know he loves me his way. But I realized that he is not and will not be my true partner and soul mate unless he will do a LOT of work on his self-development (which I am realistic enough to know is not gonna happen - I smile because I made a committment to myself to make a lemonade from lemons :-)
My marriage is also my security blanket which a woman at my age needs. If I'd walk now, I would be in so much worse situation both - economically and also emotionally. It is very unlikely I would meet a soulmate my age - maybe I would if I'd look hard, but I am not willing to look that hard...
What I mean is that there is many more reasons for me to hang on to a rather mediocre relationship now than when I was 30 or even 40 -- when I was still very yung and had a whole life ahead of me.
If I knew then, what you know now, I would look for a person with integrity. This is the highest character trait to look for -- sadly most of us don't understand it.
I fell for my husband because he is so kind and so gentle and such a good, really good person. I didn't realized that without the integrity him being nice is not enough. He got attached to someone in need by being nice, he lies to cover up so that I don't get hurt (he thinks) but actually he is so nice that he just doesn't want arguments and confrontations... etc. etc.
Relationship without integrity of BOTH partners is dooomed to be a very rocky road. Whether we can or cannot trust the other person is not up to us (assuming that we are capable of trusting others, of course). It is really up to them.
I know already that most likely I will be never able to trust my husband because I know that most likely he will never change -- he will not become a trustworthy person. I will still love him, and even like him, and will stay with him - but not trust him... Which is a really not cool perspective, when we think about it...
But I have a lot to win by rationalizing my stay in this situation and too much to lose by leaving..
With you as a young person it might be - most likely IS - a different story. You have a whole life ahead of you...
Don't ask yourself if you will be able to trust her - believe me, you are able to do whatever you choose. You are capable to do much more than you are able to realize. So, never mind whether or not you will be able to trust. I can tell you - you will.
But the real question is this - will SHE become a person who deserves that trust?
hope this helped.
sunny greetings, PandaWanda
Sunny greetings from Florida,
Wanda
My unusual MLC scenario
I apologize in advance for this. Do I think she is thinking of you or your R? NO. Do I think lack of contact encourages contact by wife? Maybe. I think it's your best shot, vinces. Is there some activity or some place you could go that your W might see you or hear of you having been? Perhaps a favorite hang out or restaurant? Do you have mutual friends that you might have an enjoyable time with and maybe that would filter back to her?
The trick here is you really have to be having a good time. You have to do this for you. Not, to impress her. You have to make a serious effort to work on yourself and hope that she notices.
I wish you well.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Do you even think she ever is thinking of me or us?
Don't know, but it's not uncommon for a WAS to think about their LBS. Insofar as thinking about "us", it's likely she doesn't see the two of you as an "us" existing anymore.
Do you think that lack of contact encourages contact by W?
If they have feelings for you, then, yes, I believe it does. I believe it's true that in the absence of contact, such a WAS is likely to reflect and think about and miss the LBS, and also likely to wonder what you're up to, and then, especially, if their imagination kicks in, they give in to their impulse and call. Let her blink first.
PW, I'm very sorry to hear of your situation and your thoughts are very welcome...I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions from a w perspective...You mention that there are some financial and home concerns about you leaving...Isn't that normal for woman to want the security of knowing that they are secure and maybe you might work a little harder or stay a little longer for the hope that it can work...I think that is what I'm holding on to...My W is 28 and attractive, however, she has told me many times she could not even think of the dating scene (who can...and I believe her)...so then my competition is OM, who is the complete oppisite of me which I think that she questions whether there is a future there or not for security...So question being, do you feel that a lack of security (by the way we just moved and built our dream home)will keep a w from considering a D?
SF, You're right...I know the answer...I'm just trying to kid myself into thinking she is miseable...I have thought that she needs to see me at a club with a pretty woman and of course I say that ow is just a "friend" like her EA/PA...but I don't have any proof that she is having a PA and she said that she was not going to see other people during the seperation and I would hate to be the one to cause more issues that are unneeded. But I do agree that I need to have fun for me...It is just so hard...I can go out for a couple of hours and then I start missing her or I see a couple in a restaurant and remember the way we used to be...At least at home I can seek salvation here chating...
