I have read a bit on the Break Free book. But most of these books suggest the same thing...you have control only over yourself when your WAS is separated from you and involved with another person...so you take that time to reflect, read, gain knowledge and do a helluva lot of soul searching and see what your part in the demise of the R was. It's hard to face sometimes...but you work on you...you GAL and work on your PMA...the goal is to make yourself stronger and more attractive...whether or not the WAS returns. Because let's face it, the old R is gone...poof...any and all chances you have of starting over is just that starting over. Yes, you know you have a history but you make a new history new memories...you have to prove to yourself and your WAS that the past is the past and that the future is a whole lot brighter if they spend it with you.
The Make Up Not Break Up book is wonderful for explaining the difference between a Pursuer and Distancer...right now the LBS tends to be the Pursuer and the WAS is the distancer. The Good Mood book is excellent for breaking down and working through your emotions. Let me tell you I had a complete 180 after finishing that book. I've decided to just move on and completely drop the rope.
But you see, the pitfall remains the same, to have the WAS read that book and actually change their mind. That book is written for the LBS to help get over their crisis (and I've a strong hunch you're going to find a repeat of similar material you find here in that regard), and also for a WAS who WANTS to get out of the affair. If you're thinking of leaving the book around so that he picks it up, reads it, and has an awakening, that's very likely not going to happen, just as much as if he were to leave a book lying around that explains why affairs are a good thing would change your mind.
A WAS becomes a WAS on their own, reaching that decision after some time. Likewise, they must be left to themselves to come to any new decision where they wish to turn things around. You can however create an environment where they may be influenced and become more likely to reconsider. Certainly trying to appeal to their reasoning facilities isn't part of creating that environment because they're simply not reasoning. An affair isn't a logic driven event. WASs are dealing with emotions, and acting on those feelings, and there's the aspect of the WAS's lack of emotion vested in the primary relationship, from which lack they likewise have nothing to act on towards the relationship. These are the avenues that have to be fed and fueled for a WAS to reconsider.
Pointing out to a WAS what the marriage gurus have to say only puts the WAS in a position where they will defend their actions. They will believe that the advice does not apply to them; that their situation is different. They will also see it as a tactic from you to browbeat them. If they're just not interested in reconsidering, no amount of reasoning will work. No matter what you point out, they will find the reason(s) why it doesn't apply. By pointing these "facts" out to a WAS and therefore prompting the WAS to defend themselves and go over their feelings and reasons in that mode, in effect, digging their feet deeper into their stand, one only helps make the WAS become even more convinced that the WAS is correct in what they're doing.
OK, NY, I get your point. As it happens, H loves to read, has expressed interest in these books, and in fact went out and bought "Not Just Friends" without any influence from me. He was fascinated by how well it described his situation, but didn't choose to follow up on the suggestions on how to act on the situation.
So just now I purchased the Huizenga book and am reading it for myself. It does seem consistent in most ways with the divorcebusting approach, and is focused specifically on how to deal with an affair that is going on right now.
That's good, if it was of his own intiation, that may suggest some level of self awareness. Some WASs lack that! At worst, reading that book may have planted some seeds that may sprout later.
Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley is really good. He also wrote His Needs, Her Needs. In Surviving an Affair, he says that reconciliation is not possible while the affair is going on. You have to make sure you are not the cause of your spouse's unhappiness, disrespect, etc. All, or at least most, affairs, die a natural death. As long as you have treated your spouse like a friend, when the affair ends, most spouses do want to reconcile.
Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome by Nancy Anderson is also a good book.
Quote: PandaWanda, thanks very much for your suggestion on the Huizenga book. This sounds like it directly addresses my question. I will check it out. Have you tried any of the services on that web page, and if so were they helpful?
Dear HopefulAndDetermined (love your nickname!) I prepaid for one month of coaching, but I must say I am disappointed - after this month expires, I still have two unused sessions, I plan to hire one of the coaches here.
Good luck - we are in the same boat. I know it is difficult to survive this kind of affair, but just as you I believe this can be done.
cheers, PandaWanda
Sunny greetings from Florida,
Wanda
My unusual MLC scenario
