I have a large stack of books on how to heal a marriage *after* an affair, but are there any books on how to heal the marriage *during* the affair? If the affair is already over, and the partners are trying to deal with the aftermath, in regaining trust etc., I know this is difficult, but to be honest I have to say that it seems like a piece of cake compared with attempting to repair the marriage while the affair is still going on. It seems that there is not a single book that deals with this! Or has anyone found any helpful books on this topic?
The other difficulty is that whenever I suggest a book to my H, it seems to backfire. For example, the book "The Truth about Love" explains that there are stages of love, and that the intensity of infatuation is just an initial stage that does not last. This helps explain why the cheating spouse shouldn't just compare the intensity of emotion that they feel towards spouse vs. "other person" in determining whom they really love. That might be helpful, but then the book goes on to coach the reader on how to progress from the infatuation stage to the more mature stage of love. That's the last kind of coaching that I need for him to receive!
Then there are books on how to improve lovemaking and communication. That would be good except that now he can apply these skills to the o.w.!
What book is that is mainly addressed at convincing the reader that improving a good marriage is far more valuable than starting over with an extramarital affair?
I don't begin to think that books can solve these problems, but if there are any good ones out there, they might help a little bit. So if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
Excellent question. I would also be interested in this. The only thing I can tell you is that the Divorce Remedy book talks about infidelity in a chapter, and there is a part in there about how the LBS's actions are not making any progress in working towards reconciliation due to the fact that the WAS is having an affair...not a lot you can do to improve a marriage that is literally on hold.
I take it you ask this because this is your situation, too. Do you have a thread where you have posted what's going on? If so, let me know so I can go read up.
I have scoured several bookstores looking for what you are also in need of; if you stumble upon a book that might help us, please get back to me!
Take care.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You can't "heal" a marriage while an affair is going on. It takes two people to repair a marriage. You need a willing partner, not someone who's emotionally unavailable, interested in seeing how it works out with someone, not interested in your relationship You're jumping the gun. First you need to re-attract your H hopefully so he gets to the point he wants to work on the marriage.
Giving them books to read just pushes them away further. They have to come to their own realizations, not be spoon fed them. It's like proselytizing; they'll put up a defense and find all the reasons why the data doesn't fit. You're in effect forcing your wishes on them.
You don't reason with, argue, with, point out the sanctity of your marriage vows to, nor have them read something so as to convince a WAS. That doesn't work.
You're looking to your WAS as being the key in turning the situation around. Well, he's mostly responsible for causing the situation, so the key has to be you, not him. Forget about what kind of coaching he may need, you can only control yourself and take care of yourself! The thing to do is focus on you, not him, let go of all the assumptions, analyzations and sign reading and GAL, pursue your own interests, improve those behaviors that were your contribution to the relationship's bad parts, make those changes, detach, detach and then detach from him - and you can read a lot via these forums on what that all constitutes.
Hi, I found recently e-book "Break Free From The Affair" by Robert Huizenga and it is extremely helpful. The book describes seven major types of affairs, what causes them, what to expect and how to deal with each of them. I was amazed how accurately author described the scenario in my own marriage, which I thought is very unique situation. I found his advice very helpful - it is also consistent with what I read here, on these pages.
[url=http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/ebook.htm]Break Free From The Affair[/url]
sunny greetings, PandaWanda
Sunny greetings from Florida,
Wanda
My unusual MLC scenario
Break Free is an okay book...I have found some of these very enlightening.
Divorce Remedy
Divorce Busting
Codependent No More (MUST READ FOR ALL DBers!!)
Make up Not Break Up (great for insight on why you breakup as well as pursuing/distancing and why we do it...etc)
His Needs/Her Needs
Good Mood Therapy (mandatory reading for any of us going through the anxiet/depression due to infidelity)
Again NYS hit it on the nose, smart cookie, there is not too much that you can do when you have a WAS...as he told me once and I believe him now...they don't want an R with you at this time...so really there is not too much you can do but to let their R die its natural death, assuming that it does.
That's why it is sooo important to focus on YOU..the LBS. Learning and rediscovering who you are...call it a mini vacation from all the madness of the merry go round that we are riding on. Read all you can about improving communication, relationships. etc...this way you have all the knowledge when/if your partner decides to work on the R.
The key is to draw them back to you...this as we know is not done by pursuing and begging but by becoming the more attractive grand prize so to speak...
hoapfloats7, you asked "Do you have a thread where you have posted what's going on? If so, let me know so I can go read up." Yes, I posted previously under subject "Menage a Trois". You posted some helpful replies there.
PandaWanda, thanks very much for your suggestion on the Huizenga book. This sounds like it directly addresses my question. I will check it out. Have you tried any of the services on that web page, and if so were they helpful? Thanks again.
StrongNSassy, thanks for your suggestions on books. The only one I have is "Divorce Busting". I can't locate "Break Free" on Amazon, but will keep looking, and will check on the others as well.
