Well we spent some time in the kitchen working on making a gingerbread house together. We joked and had some fun so the kids could see us being fun together. It was weird because some of it seemed forced, from her and I must admit from me too. We've been so disconnected for 2 months, protecting ourselves emotionally, that it is hard to trust again. But this is what our counselor said to do during the holidays to give the kids a more positive environment.
We had some good natured fun, threw some flour at each other and it was pleasant, if a little uncomfortable. I know this should be natural for me but the reality of the situation - that she's doing this for the kids sake - makes it hard for me to get into it. But I did 'act as if'.
Later W says 'time to watch TV' and I said 'the kids are in bed'. She says 'yes, but C said to watch tv like we used to so if they come downstairs we will be here like normal for them'. So we watch tv and the show we are watching has two people who are getting a divorce, and are doing mean things to each other. W looks at me and says 'let's make sure we don't do that'.
I know I should expect her to say things like that, it just hurts every time she does because of the implications that she is being nice for the kids sake, but still pushing for divorce no matter what.
And that's where I am stuck right now. In our counseling we got so close to some issues we had, and I thought she was feeling some of the loving feelings again. But I also have to realize that she is more likely to look at the issues of the past in the context of "learning so she can have better relationships after the divorce".
I know, PATIENCE. We're on a path where we will learn how we failed each other in our relationship. Maybe along the way she and I will rediscover that love that we had between us. We have just begun the journey and I am so impatient, and fearful that it will end with a divorce anyway, but we'll be emotionally healthy.
If our counselor keeps pushing the 'emotions' button on her each week we meet, and she also finds ways to demonstrate to W how we truly loved each other but lost our way, then there has to be a good chance that we CAN rediscover that love. But it will only happen when W is willing to stop being angry with me, and fearful that any relationship we have will turn out the same as it did in the past.
I know that 'emotional affairs' burn out, and the one she has with OM seems to be fading slowly. But now she is comparing that 'feeling in love' with our relationship and sees our relationship as no comparison. She want's those feelings.
LIke TJ and others say "You have to be their best friend for real and not need anything in return". I keep going back and forth between needing to be loved and being detached. Now I must learn how to love, be a friend and stay detached at the same time. Sigh. I hate this because if I do stay detached and be friends and then she responds I will then pursue and push her away! I have got to get better at this. She gives me no encouragement that we will ever be more than friends, at least so far. But like I said it has only been two counseling sessions so far.
I think when we can get to a core issue where W feels how she loved me then we may make progress. I do know one thing, she is processing a LOT of emotional stuff. D15 had som eissues with her tonite but they worked it out. And she is gung ho about acting happy, us getting along and putting up a front for the girls sake.
I wonder how to take that 'pretending' and turn it into something real with her? It can be done, but how? I know in DB'ing we're supposed to show our changes by actions, not words. I need to become not indifferent, but caring without needing.
