W was still up around midnite. one of her massage teacher friends called her around 10 or so and she talked to him for a couple hours. I overheard a couple things that were actually good.
- She told him that she was convinced that I really had 'given up' on us reconciling. I have told her repeatedly that I have 'no illusions' about her feelings and intentions to divorce. I think she also said she couldn't really stay mad at me any more (but she does from time to time).
- She said that we are comitted to living together for 6 months to a year and raise the kids together as friends and co-parents.
She told me later that the friend said to tell me he was sorry I was hurt so much because he had seen me at the party we had gone to and could feel that I was hurt. Kind of interesting that he told her, and she told me. He is one of her better friends so for him to say that to HER is interesting. For her to tell me that and not think anything of it is also interesting.
She and I talked about some other things also. She feels that it's unfair that she has to take all the heat from the girls because they think that 'I fixed myself and then she left'. I really didn't do the work I needed to do until after she told me she was leaving, and the girls didn't know she was leaving for about 2 weeks. She says she doesn't want to tell them that because she doesn't want to say negative things about me to them. I'm going to talk to C today in our joint meeting and ask her how I can remedy this as it is important that W see that I am taking responsibility for my role with the kids.
I also repeated to her that I know she is gone, and I just want us to get along. She has basically said repeatedly that she 'stayed with me but was wanting to leave for the past 6 years'. I said that I've had to deal with the fact that her words imply that our marriage was fake and she was just there for the kids sake or so I wouldn't kill myself or because she didn't have anywhere else to go and other stuff she had said. Told her that it took me a lot of counselong and crying at nite to deal with that fact taht our marriage was fake for so long.
She then starts to explain that it wasn't fake, that she really wanted it to get better and that there were good times too. She says 'I loved you all that time. I still love you now, I just don't want to be married any more. I don't want to live like that ever again'. My heart is broken and I want more from my life.
I told her my heart is broken too, because I see that I could have done something and I didn't. I also said that even though I know I can love someone else and be loved by someones else I just don't want to find someone else. I don't really feel like that would be good for me so I'm sure it'll take a few years for me to change that feeling. So I guess we're in the same position - she doesn't want to find someone else and get married, neither do I.
Then we talked a little about living together and she said she was sure we could do it for at least 6 months but her fold out bed is extremely uncomfortable. I told her that I had seen that other people on the divorce boards I frequent were either sharing a bed with a long pillow or something as a divider between them, or had a twin bed in their room, which is better than a fold out bed. She said she was finally used to not listening to me snore so she wasn't sure she wanted to be in the same room. I snore a lot less now.
Maybe she will think about it. The bed it pretty uncomfortable. I'm going to bring it up with C today. She is so much better at spinning this kind of thing into a 'good idea'.
What are others who are co-habitating but have no spare room doing?
She also complained she has no privacy in her room since the doors don't lock and the girls will come in 'whenever they want to'. So as a result she doesn't get any 'release' (B.O.B.) time. I suggested she go into our (my) room and lock the door, it was ok with me. I also said 'Hey, I'm available!'. She got angry and said 'that is simply not appropriate'. Oh well.
So, the good part is she is still staying in the house, she is still going to try to be a 'friend' and she is starting to get less angry. Counselor's goal is to continue to address all the negatives and try to counteract them with positives. I'm going to make sure she sees me take more responsibility for our situation with our kids so they may not hate her as much (they will no matter what, she is the one leaving). I think that will soften her up a little.
If she really tries to make Christmas happier by softening up and dropping some of her barriers to me that would be a great step forward.
This is so crazy. It's slow to change and she gives me indications that she is less angry, but always points out how sure she is that she is 'out of this marriage'. I guess it would be nice if she would question her decision just once or say anything that indicates that she's having second thoughts.
Right now my challenge is to be able to be 'just a friend' and regain her trust in that regard. That is the hardest thing to do. I am hoping that as we move down that path she will allow her love to reappear and manifest itself. If not, then at least we won't hate each other. There is a lot of hurt to heal.
