What a fun 2 hours. Counselor, W , Me, D10 and D15 all together in a room.
Overall, it was civil, filled with tears, some laughs and some awkwardness. Some highlights:
D15 basically says 'Mom is not here emotionally and just hasn't really explained to me WHY she is doing this, especially since Dad finally does the work on himself to get 'better' and that's when you leave him?'
W says: "Well I was afraid he will kill himself if I left him and when he was better I knew he'd be ok"
WAAAAAAAATTTT???? She made noises about leaving several times over the past few years, one time she almost got an apartment. We got counseling and worked it out. At NO time did she seem to think I would 'off' myself or she would not have even TALKED about leaving, now would she? So far she has said she left now because 'she needed to build up the courage', 'she was afraid to leave for the kids sake' and now 'dad would have killed himself but he's ok now'
She finally did admit (with help from counselor) that she just wanted to live the experiences she didn't get as a young girl, like D15 is living. Falling in love and stuff like that. Our life wasn't filled with 'in love' so she left to look for it somewhere else. She says 'I don't love your dad any more, I'm not in love with him, I love him differently now." We married young and she 'realizes' it wasn't the best choice. D15 goes ballistic! "You mean having ME was a mistake?" W says "no, I love you but I missed out on a lot of my life by having you so young."
D15 says "So, it's ok to have a kid, make a family and then 15 years later say 'oops, my bad' and walk away??"
Conversation eventually settled on the fact that W is trying to find herself, and it has nothing to do with kids.
D10 tells how she just doesn't want the divorce for any reason. Counselor explains that this is the way life is right now and D10 cres uncontrollably. I hate W for doing this.
C asks for kids to grade Dad on how he is at being there for them. Dad gets an 'A'. Same question about mom. Mom gets a 'D'. D10 says dad gets an 'A' because ''Dad sits with me sometimes and cries with me and then I feel better'. Mom doesn't.
Counselor talks about upcoming Xmas holiday and tells us we need to do all the things we normally do as a family and try to have fun. I make a comment that it's uncomfortable being with W because there is a barrier between us and I don't know what is or is not acceptable to her. W says we've been getting along this week really well, which is true.
So I take a chance and say 'well, if we are supposed to be friends then why can't we act like friends? I like to hug my friends, put an arm around their shoulder, joke with them and other stuff. Believe me, I have NO illusions about your position on divorce so I don't have any romantic intentions. But I'm tired of being around you and saying 'we are friends' but not acting like it. This will be something we discuss in tomorrows couples meeting with counselor. How fun.
Counselor says this is a good thing to start working on. W makes the obsevation that her dad didn't stay friends with her mom after D but W has no respect for him anyway. I add that her Dad is not HER, and my DAD is not ME so we don't need to repeat their mistakes.
Counselor says we need to get a family picture taken. She also says get a picture of just the kids, and a picture of W and I together. This is so the girls will have photos of their family, their parents, that they can show their kids or others in their lives. So we agree.
I make the observation that W's photos of her parents are separate pictures. None of them together at all. In fact I have never seen any pictures of them together, as if they never WERE a family. I can see her point, we shouldn't erase our KIDS memories just because we can't keep our lives straight.
Counselor tells us that it is important to 'love and honor' each other because no matter what we will be seeing each other in the next 20 years and we ARE the parents of two beautiful girls. That by itself is justification for loving and honoring each other even after a divorce. We'll be talking about this tomorrow too.
Later at home, W comes to talk to me after putting D10 to bed, She says: "I help her with her homework, I read to her, I went to the library with her and I put her to bed and I get a 'D' from her. You spent 15 minutes with her when she's in bed and you get an 'A'. What do I have to do to get an 'A'?
She then breaks down sobbing. I offer her a hug, she says no. She goes into her room and I can hear her sobbing for about 20 minutes.
I didn't tell her what I think but basically it's because I am not doing the breakup of the family, she is. And, when I spend time with D10 I talk about how she is FEELING and I empathize with her fellings. In other words I demostrate to her that I love her and I will take care of her physically and spiritually.
Maybe W will still go down the Divorce path but one thing is for sure, until she stops being selfish with her love she will be alone.
