Excellent suggestion HF!! I remember I did this when I went through my D. Blondie never needed the assistance though but it did give the counselors a heads up and they were very appreciative about it.
Our D10's teacher is aware of the situation and is helping with D10's needyness. D15 has a really good support group and she is not afraid to come to me when she needs to talk, nor is she afraid to tell W what she thinks about her behaviors. I think she would be annoyed if I told her schools counselors.
And both of them are seeing our family counselor as am I and now W is too.
Well, W came home around 3 pm. Asked when D15 would be out of school. Said I didn't know. A few minutes later D15 calls my cell and asks me to come get her. So I walk through the house and tell W I am going to get D15 because she just called. W says "oh, ok. She called you?".
D15 tells me on the way home that she needs to go xmas shopping tonite and would I take her. She and I have NEVER gone shopping together. Ever. I said OK.
Later, W says to me 'Oh D15 said you are taking her shopping?". I said 'yes, she needs to shop for people who can't take her shopping or they will see what they are getting, like you!'. She gets all teary eyed and says 'she doen't want to be around me'.
NOW NORMALLY I would try to 'fix it' and tell her "oh, she loves you, don't worry, etc. etc.". This time I stay silent. Let her feel it. Don't be a fixer any more. She needs to feel how her actions have hurt her kids (and me, but she doesn't care about that).
Later I am going to Quiznos (sub place) to get food. I ask W what she wants and she tells me. I get distracted and a few minutes later I ask her 'what was it you wanted again? I forgot'. She replies "It doesn't matter if you don't get me what I want. It's ok". HUH? I guess she is feeling pretty low right now. Maybe she should call OM so he can 'cheer her up' since he is so wonderful. (sorry, lost myself).
I did get her what she wanted and she was grateful. Then I went with D15 to shop. D15 is very upset so shopping wasn't so great. So we went for a drive instead and she opened up to me and said she was tired of mom being so selfish. I asked what is she doing that makes you feel that way and she replies 'when we talk about anything it seems like she always says 'what about my needs?' when I talk about what I want her to do'. Hmm, probably not exactly what is going on but still her impressions.
She said 'She thinks she can tell me what to do, act like my mom when she feels like it, but still take off all the time and not be around when I need her'. 'this morning we were having a power struggle and I won. That shouldn't happen Dad.'
I wish I could tell her about OM and why Mom is so messed up but that is NOT an option. She would be devastated. I DID tell her that her mom loves her and is having some issues. And told her not to try to 'fix' mom but let her feel bad right now.
We got home and W was sort of keeping to herself but was friendlier than earlier. I am hoping she didn't talk to one of her brilliant friends who have no kids and get advice. They would tell her to 'take control!' which would be a disaster because D15 is much stronger willed than W is.
Me, I don't know what to do except not try to fix it, support D15 and try to get D15 to be respectful of W.
After all W has put me and the kids through I kind of want her to suffer a bit so she can see and feel what she has done to the family, but I don't want the kids to suffer because of it.
I don't know if this is DBing but it seems like a type of LRT by stepping out of the way and letting the tornado happen instead of fixing it.
I think that not fixing and trying to help your daughters maintain some respect for your W is the ONLY thing you can do and it's the right thing. Yes, I too want my wife to suffer. I don't think we need to add anything to the mix for our WAW's to suffer. I feel they truly are suffering far more than we know, or even THEY know. What you are doing IS DBing and great DBing at that. You continue to do a great job at both being there for your children, DBing, and handling the situation as a whole. I only wish my 7 year old son could see how his mother's actions are mirroring your wife's and that he could see a bigger party of the story like your daughters do. However, his age and innocence seem to be helping him right now and I won't take that away. Rise above the maelstrom and continue to be the better person and good things will happen. Keep up the good work!
Just checking in on you. So, I take it your daughters are not allowed in your wife's room...because then they'd see the mistletoe taped to her computer and ask questions, right? I think your oldest is going to figure out what is going on very soon, so you might want to be prepared for that. Kids are smarter than we think, and since W. is still living at home it is going to be increasingly harder for her to mask what she is really up to. I think it's good that you are stepping out of the way; let W. hit bottom, and she will. It's good that the pain she is causing the kids is beginning to sink in. Let it. This can only help the situation. Hang in there.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Frank, Be ready for the backlash from D15 when she finds out the truth. My guess is that she will not be happy with her mother or you.(for not telling her) That's unfair but seems to be how the teenage mind works.
Hang in there.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Quote: I take it your daughters are not allowed in your wife's room...because then they'd see the mistletoe taped to her computer and ask questions, right?
They just don't go in her room - it's not like it's a destination. It's her massage room too. And even if they asked they'd get a lame excuse.
BUT this is weird. When I went in her room this morning, the mistletoe was GONE. Let's see, plastic Rose he gave her - in the trash. Mistletoe - Gone. But she still sends him e-mails that seem to indicate all is well. It's only been 2 weeks since the got together and 'fell in love'.
Quote: Be ready for the backlash from D15 when she finds out the truth.
Yeah, Counselor said the same thing. She said she can't hide it forever...
Quote: I think it's good that you are stepping out of the way; let W. hit bottom, and she will. It's good that the pain she is causing the kids is beginning to sink in. Let it. This can only help the situation.
Yes, I saw C today and she said the same thing. Stop trying to fix things for her. She also said that my statement I made which was:
"I thought that the SEPARATION and us spending time apart growing on our own was great for us. I have grown a lot during this time. I think that the divorce is a BAD idea. It's BAD for ME, It's BAD for YOU and it's BAD for our FAMILY. But I will continue to honor your request for it."
Made her stop because it was truth and could not be argued. BUT she also said that the line 'I have grown a lot during this time.' basically said "I grew, what about you?"
Either way, she now no longer has me as a perceived 'ally' in her quest for Divorce. I'm not getting in the way, but I do NOT approve. Also, the following is now true, whether she can admit it or not:
-- I changed. When she confronted me about supporting her decision to divorce I stood my ground and said 'no, I do not' without being mean or vindictive and also said I would honor MY commitment not to stop HER from doing it.
-- I dealt with all the girls problems WITH HER that morning. Usually SHE would be that person. She basically 'gave them' to me and I took care of everything WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY. I was the one who was loving and nurturing. She has to be thinking in the back of her mind that 'if he can be nurturing to the girls, maybe he can do it for me too'. In fact C thinks that when she does decide to be in the relationship she will enter it via the kids, being one of them with me.
-- She feels guilty about the affair. She may be thinking that 'no man would ever take her back' after what she has done. And I don't pursue her so she has to wonder what I am thinking.
-- I forgot to mention that yesterday morning after all this went on, she was feeling bad and crying a little that 'D15 hates me'. I waited a minute then asked her If I could give her a hug. She felt safe enough to accept a hug from me, and let me stroke her hair when she was hurting.
-- C thinks that OM is slowing down in his reponses to her. She is the one carrying the ball in all this and he will play the game, but not commit. Why toss the rose, the mistletoe? Losing their sentimental value?
-- C thinks the odds are OM will not come to California. After all, it didn't cost him anything to get laid when She went to CT, she even paid for the hotel room. It's much more expensive to come here. ($300-$500 plus a hotel)
-- C thinks that part of us building a relationship again is rebuilding RESPECT and ADMIRATION. Only then can love return. Well, I have her RESPECTING me now.
-- C says the biggest obstacle in our way is that W knows that every time we have reconciled in the past, we have gone back to old patterns. She doesn't want to repeat history again so she will not want to believe my changes are real. What W doesn't know, and she will hopefully see in counseling with me, is that not only are they real, they are going to continue regardless of what happens between W and I.
Tomorrow we have the whole family in counseling session. D15 is chomping at the bit to nail mom down on her actions. Should be interesting.
Thursday is W and I session to work on 'past hurts' so we can be friends. Busy week!
W was pretty nice to me tonite. sometimes distant, other times not. I'm feeling sort of middle of the road right now.
Don't forget my big, tall prayer I am asking for: pray for me that OM will NOT come to see W in February like she is trying to arrange. That he will get a SMALL bit of conscience and back off from her, let her go, stop this stuff.
I am trying to decide if these events mean anything. Don't want to read into something that may not be there.
Last nite I came home and W was in the kitchen. D10 had apparently been trying to get out of homework by saying she was 'sick'. This has been her mantra since the separation.
W comes over to me and leans close to whisper in my ear. Tells me all about what's been going on with D10. She backs away, then come close again to talk some more. Does this about 4-5 times and is close to where she is touching me. Seems weird to me since that is REALLY getting into MY personal space. Something she has not done in a month. Normally she would take me into another room to talk about an issue like this. Seems silly to look at this as an 'event'.
Later... She comes and stands next to me on the stairway that goes into the family room. She's about 3 feet away and looks me in the eyes while talking to me about D10, who she has put to bed already. A Pleasant talk, nice to be close, and having eye contact. She then does some stretching while standing there also. Also a 'different' behavior.
Later, she calls me into her room so she can show me the 'cute' present she got D10. While we're there I pick up her bra that is sitting on a chair and put it on my head (ok, that was weird but I thought it would be funny!). She then starts telling me "You know what's sad? D15 fits into that bra now and since I have been losing weight I fit into D10's bras!". She continues to complain about her now small, sagging boobs until I say "Sweetie, boobs do NOT make the woman!". (oops, I said Sweetie). She smiled and said she was going to start saving for a boob job.
This morning she talks to me about D10's teacher who knows about our situation and is not cutting D10 any slack with her problems getting homework done 'his way'. Some of his rules are just plain stupid. W is afraid to talk to him about it because she knows she will cry and doesn't want to do that. So I tell her that I will take care of it and talk to him this morning, which makes her feel better.
A few minutes later she is in the downstairs bathroom and has just had her shower. She opens the door about a foot and is standing there naked. She starts telling me to remember to do something for D10 (I don't recall what it was now).
She closes the door and I walk away. A minute later she opens it again and starts to talk to me again, so I walk to where I can see her and she is still naked. I keep eye contact and listen to what she needs and then walk away with no reaction.
Normally she would put on her robe which is RIGHT THERE in the bathroom.
Very very unusual.
Well, that's my story. In a couple hours we're all going to family counseling. That will be fun.
