Well, W came home around 3 pm. Asked when D15 would be out of school. Said I didn't know. A few minutes later D15 calls my cell and asks me to come get her. So I walk through the house and tell W I am going to get D15 because she just called. W says "oh, ok. She called you?".
D15 tells me on the way home that she needs to go xmas shopping tonite and would I take her. She and I have NEVER gone shopping together. Ever. I said OK.
Later, W says to me 'Oh D15 said you are taking her shopping?". I said 'yes, she needs to shop for people who can't take her shopping or they will see what they are getting, like you!'. She gets all teary eyed and says 'she doen't want to be around me'.
NOW NORMALLY I would try to 'fix it' and tell her "oh, she loves you, don't worry, etc. etc.". This time I stay silent. Let her feel it. Don't be a fixer any more. She needs to feel how her actions have hurt her kids (and me, but she doesn't care about that).
Later I am going to Quiznos (sub place) to get food. I ask W what she wants and she tells me. I get distracted and a few minutes later I ask her 'what was it you wanted again? I forgot'. She replies "It doesn't matter if you don't get me what I want. It's ok". HUH? I guess she is feeling pretty low right now. Maybe she should call OM so he can 'cheer her up' since he is so wonderful. (sorry, lost myself).
I did get her what she wanted and she was grateful. Then I went with D15 to shop. D15 is very upset so shopping wasn't so great. So we went for a drive instead and she opened up to me and said she was tired of mom being so selfish. I asked what is she doing that makes you feel that way and she replies 'when we talk about anything it seems like she always says 'what about my needs?' when I talk about what I want her to do'. Hmm, probably not exactly what is going on but still her impressions.
She said 'She thinks she can tell me what to do, act like my mom when she feels like it, but still take off all the time and not be around when I need her'. 'this morning we were having a power struggle and I won. That shouldn't happen Dad.'
I wish I could tell her about OM and why Mom is so messed up but that is NOT an option. She would be devastated. I DID tell her that her mom loves her and is having some issues. And told her not to try to 'fix' mom but let her feel bad right now.
We got home and W was sort of keeping to herself but was friendlier than earlier. I am hoping she didn't talk to one of her brilliant friends who have no kids and get advice. They would tell her to 'take control!' which would be a disaster because D15 is much stronger willed than W is.
Me, I don't know what to do except not try to fix it, support D15 and try to get D15 to be respectful of W.
After all W has put me and the kids through I kind of want her to suffer a bit so she can see and feel what she has done to the family, but I don't want the kids to suffer because of it.
I don't know if this is DBing but it seems like a type of LRT by stepping out of the way and letting the tornado happen instead of fixing it.
