Well, continuing last nites story since it didn't 'end' after my last post...
Was putting D10 to bed and heard D15 in her room crying and yelling to someone on the phone. Things like:
"I don't want to live here any more ... Sure I can move, my Daddy said he could sell the house and get two small houses.... Then I can live with him".
This upset D10 but I convinced here D15 was just mad at her boyfriend.
1/2 hour later D15 comes to talk to me. She is PISSED at mom.
D15: Why does mom think it is all right to go to a PARTY on Sunday nite? She is supposed to be acting like our MOM not like a teenager. And she decided this tonite, not planned in advance to ask us what we think. Who does she think she is? I am so tired of her trying to act like she is MOM and is in charge but she behaves like a teenager. She obviously doesn't want to be married or be a MOM any more.
She also tells me she doesn't like the fact that W and I come and go 'as we please' instead of staying home with the family. She wants us to split up and 'get it over with'. She doesn't want to be around mom any more. I carefully explain to her that it's very important we stay all living together for a few months. I can't really tell her why. She also tells me that she thinks mom is a total selfish person right now and she doesn't give D15 any respect. She thinks I'm the only 'grown up' in the house. I try to defend W but it's hard because, well, she is right.
I realize then that I have been doing LRT and leaving the house at nite to be 'out' so W will be alone. But it's affecting the kids. They want me to be present right now. I tell D15 that I was giving mom her space and independence but I realize that it is affecting her feeings so I will not go out any more. I'll stay home, either in my room or around the house. She is glad to hear that.
D15 stays up till midnite waiting for W so she can tell her how mad she is. But W doesn't come home by then so D15 and I go to bed. I tell D15 that she can go to school late tomorrow because she is upset and not sleeping.
W eventually comes home around 12:30 and goes to bed.
This morning (monday)
W comes into my room 'to talk'. She has been arguing with D15 about school, the party, the divorce.
W: D15 says you told her it was ok to go to school late.
Me: Yes, she was up till midnite last nite and is very upset that you went to that party. She needs a break.
W: Well why didn't you call me if it was important? I would have come right home? The party wasn't fun anyway because I didn't know anybody....
Me: I had the impression you would be unreachable, and D15 didn't want to call you. Besides you would have had to make (friend) take you back to her place to change clothes and get your car. (in my mind - she called and told me in a matter of fact voice that she was going to a party and did NOT ask to talk to either Daughter.)
Me: When you called to tell me you were going I told D10 afterwards and she was hurt that you weren't coming home at dinner time like you said but didn't say anything. D15 didn't seem to care till around 10 pm when she started this venting of her anger. I spent 2 hours talking with her about all kinds of issues. One of the things she is upset about is that I go out a lot during the week by myself and so do you. I realize that it's because I have been playing this 'let's have separate lives' game with you and it's "your weekend with the kids". I don't want to do that any more. I'm going to stay home from now on so my girls can have me there for them.
W: Why don't you tell them that you think the Divorce is a good idea too? That's what you told me and that's what you told our counselor? They think that only I want to do this.
Me: Because I said that I thought that the SEPARATION and us spending time apart growing on our own was great for us. I have grown a lot during this time. I think that the divorce is a BAD idea. It's BAD for ME, It's BAD for YOU and it's BAD for our FAMILY. But I will continue to honor your request for it.
Conversation ends at that point.
10 minutes later she comes in and says 'Now D10 says she is sick and doesn't want to go to school'. I say that she felt a little sick last nite but should be ok. She sends D10 into the room and I explain to her that she is OK and needs to go to school. D10 whines but I am firm so W takes her to school.
W calls an hour later from work place and leaves a message that she forgot her cell phone at home (Oh, boo hoo you can't call OM and tell him how I suck, and the kids suck and your life sucks!) so if I need her call her friends office number.
D15 stays home till noon time. I take her to school and ask her if she is 'ok now' with mom. She says 'NO, she is being a jerk still'. I asked her if mom told her that I agreed that a divorce was a good thing for us. She said 'yes, and I know that's wrong because you told me you didn't want it'. I mention that Mom asked me to tell her that but I told mom that it was the separation that I agreed with, not the divorce, just so D15 would know the real story.
W called again and this time got me on my cell phone. She said: I'm sorry I keep calling, did you take D15 to school? Me: Yes Her: Did you take D10 her musical instrument for class? Me: Yes, I'm on my way right now Her: Ok. .. pause ..A tone of guilt in her voice.. Well, I'll talk to you later.
Me: Bye
I am agreeing with TJ right now. This is a woman who cannot love me, barely loves her kids, and did not even show the slightest hint of empathy FOR HER KIDS this morning but was more inclined to be mad at them for acting out.
And, I'm glad I put it out there about my feelings regarding the situation. I didn't say 'I want you back' I just said "I think Divorce is a bad idea". She can think it's great all she wants to. She's doing it alone. I am just not going to get in her way.
I am so pissed at her. What a f'ing child she is. There is NOTHING bad enough in our previous marriage that warrants this behavior towards the kids.
She's not the woman I want to be with, ever. When she becomes that woman it will be a blessing. Not right now though.
So, I am going to STOP doing 'independent' things to play the "we're separated" game. She can have EVERY weekend 'off' if she wants to. I will be there for the kids, I don't need to go out, I don't want to date, I only want to love my kids. My LRT will consist of just not being available to HER unless she approaches me first. She can get her strokes from OM over cell phone, Instant messenger or E-mail. Hope that works for her.
