ok, let me add a few things to my previous post. At dinner time I was in the Kitchen standing with W When I got a weird feeling. It came to me that I should say something to her about how she is acting emotionally. It was weird, like I was getting a message to DO THIS. I was scared but this is what happened...
Her: Is there something you want to say?
Me: Yes, I don't know how to say what I am thinking, hmm.
Me: OK, It must be hard for you to be here right now when your heart is really somewhere else.
Her: Are you saying that to be spiteful!??
Me (calmly): No, not at all. I can just see the conflict. I know you'd rather be with the person you really care about right now, and it's hard when you can't be. I'm not being spiteful, I just know how you feel.
Her: (now crying slightly) I feel like I'm split into two people, part of me is here and part of me is there. I don't know what to do, it's like I'm split in half. Do you think the girls can tell?
Me: No, they have no idea about any of that. Don't worry about it.
pause
Me: I'll always be your friend. That will never change, no matter what.
Her: (calmer now) I don't know how you keep living like this without going crazy.
Me: I'm ok. I'm not worried about me.
She then left the kitchen.
How weird. I remember reading in one of the books on Emotional Affairs that one thing you should do is point out to them how extreme some of their actions or feelings are and do it in a gentle, non judging way. That way when they are sitting quiet and alone they may think about it and how it is affecting others.
The article talks about how you can say things like "It has to feel weird to have feelings that you had when you were a teenager" and other things that get them thinking about the weirdness of their emotional situation. It's supposed to be a way to get them to analyze what they are doing.
So, something told me to do this now. So what did I accomplish? Well, she knows that it is obvious that she is putting a lot of energy into OM, and not here with the family. She is not happy with that aspect of herself, as is obvious by her crying and judging herself for being 'split' when she should be 'here'. She also knows that I am not afraid of her feelings for OM, or I wouldn't have brought it up. She knows I am her friend, no matter what.
But mostly, I believe that she could see my compassion for her feelings and that I was coming from my place of unconditional love. I didn't need or want anything in return. I just wanted her to know I could feel her hurting.
I made a fire for her and D10 and took off for a drive to de-stress. I called a friend and talked to him about faith, and how hard it is to have faith that you are doing the right things in this situation. And when do you give up and decide it's hopeless, or not worth it.
When I say a prayer, asking for direction, I haven't gotten a message that I should move on or give up. I keep getting 'something about this is all wrong'. It's not just 'oh she shouldn't be having an affair' that is wrong. It's 'this affair makes no sense in the real world, only in a fantasy world'.
And it's all the little things she does to stay on 'good terms' with me. She doesn't have to and she knows that. In fact, a lot of people I read about on this board get a lot worse treatment than I do from their WAW who is having an affair. She has this long distance thing that is just - crazy. But she also has me. I haven't left her and she does the little things, maybe to keep me from leaving. I don't know.
One of my friends pointed out that she 'wanted her life to be different'. Well, it is now. She is acting almost exactly the opposite from the way she was in the marriage. So now it's different. But is it better? It doesn't look like it to me, at least not tonite.
