Well, she has been real crappy today. I'm sure it's a carry over from last nite where she was angry because she can't be with OM or tell people about him and how happy she is. She is stuck with me and the kids.
I had to go get some pet food and left saying I'd be back in time for her to go to work. I was about 5 minutes away and called home at the time I was supposed to be there to say I was 5-10 minutes away. D15 answered and told me she was already gone. No problem then.
W calls 20 minutes later from workplace and says 'oh, I was just checking to see if you were home'. Then she says 'this is your weekend with the kids right?' I reply 'I guess so, it doesn't really matter, we can be flexible'.
We just started this 'weekend' thing when SHE wanted to go see OM 2 weeks ago.
Then she says 'well you are supposed to make sure they are fed, and I ended up giving them lunch!'
I kind of snickered because it seemed silly to me and said "ok, I will make sure I feed them dinner after I pick up D15 from the movies at 4:30"
She says 'whatever, I just wanted to clear this up so we understood the rules'.
so, the week in review....
Monday she is comfortable with me and jokes around during the day.
Tuesday we spend the evening at D15's winter band concert and she miles and makes eye contact a lot during the evening.
Wednesday morning she gives me a hug.
Thursday we go to Councilor and she has to face the issues with the kids, and also some of the past issues we had with each other from 14 years ago. When councilor asks her if she has given up on me, she doesn't say 'yes' but says she just 'wants something different in her life'. Later she stresses out with kids who clue in to her stress and act out at bedtime, being needy and hurt. Later she goes for a drive in her car to de-stress. Hasn't done that since she got back from OM's 2 weeks ago. Was doing it nitely the week before when she thought he didn't care about her.
Friday morning she is playful for a moment and puches me in the arm when I make a bad joke at her.
Friday evening she goes to a party alone, comes back angry and sits in her room obsessing over OM and how angry she is he can't be with her right now.
Saturday she is angry. We have this invitation to both of us from a couple we know (not great friends of ours but we like them) to a party tonite. She said earlier in the week that SHE was going. I said that maybe we could go together and she said she would think about it. I am thinking of telling her I just don't want to go, but my councilor said to let her make the decision.
Well, I was under the impression that I was seeing changes in our relationship but her feelings appear to be pretty much dependent on how she feels her long distance relationship with OM is going. She obviously wants it to be 'normal' so she can live the fantasy life with him right now. But him being 3,000 miles away and not flying to see her right away, and her not being able to afford to fly to see him (which is not really true, she has plenty of $$$ on her credit card and could go any time if she wanted to) is making her depressed and angry.
So, she's taking it out on me by finding any little thing she can to complain about.
I was so grounded the other day, had it in my mind that I didn't care what she did any more, that she wasn't 'good enough' for me right now anyway, that maybe she would never be the woman I need in my life. Then the little things built hope and I slipped back into 'needy'.
So, I'll type it so it registers with me. I DON'T NEED HER. SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN I NEED IN MY LIFE. SOME DAY SHE MAY BE THAT WOMAN BUT RIGHT NOW SHE IS AN ADULTRESS AND VERY EMOTIONALLY MESSED UP.
I don't need her. Some day soon I will be totally over this and find someone who is right for me. It may even be her.
