Quote: I still have momentos that my first love (and mind you he was NOT my soulmate!!) gave me over 20yrs ago. Not everything of course, but I do have a memory box.
Yeah, I can see where you are coming from. She is like that too. I don't see why she tossed it.
I decided to read her e-mail, haven't for a week or so because I didn't want to get hurt. Now I can take it better. It's also a good way to get a reading of her affair and her feelings towards me as a result.
So...
She still says she is 'in love' to him. She went to a party last nite at a friends without me, drank a little too much wine, and sent him an email saying she was upset because she feels like she has been given a bad deal - she is glad she left me because it makes her feel like she is living her life, but is unhappy because she is 'in love' with him but can't tell anybody and wants to 'shout it from the rooftops'. (why not tell?)
That would explain why she was angry when she came home from the party, went to her room, and then sat by her computer for 1/2 hour - waiting to see if he would be online (1 am EST). Then she sent the e-mail.
She was still unhappy this morning. Went for her exercise walk and didn't take her phone to call him. I would have thought that would be a priority this morning given her unhappiness. She can call him some other time today since she knows weekends are free.
His e-mails are still poems, e-cards and other stuff he gets off the web because he belongs to a mail list at 'newfunpages.com' and gets emailed daily links to this stuff. She doesn't know this of course and probably thinks he looks for this stuff on his own. He rarely says he loves her in e-mails but I'm sure he does in Instant Messenger and on the phone. Otherwise she wouldn't continue, would she?
He NEVER signs his emails 'love, OM' just 'OM'. Guess we are all different in the way we express feelings. Or he's just full of himself and doesn't feel he has to.
In one e-mail she said that she was looking for him on line that nite but he was probably asleep or 'with Ex GF'. He broke up with her the same time W did me. Remember that they were each others catalyst for changing their unhappy lives. She still lives with him and he sometimes says how she 'is constantly following me' or 'trying to check on my phone calls and e-mail'. Don't know why she hasn't moved out, maybe she has no money and nowhere to go? They have lived together 3 years. It's been 2 months since breakup so I guess she is just hanging on, hoping to fix things. But since it sounds like she doesn't DB it ain't gonna work. Any comments DB'ers?
Why W would think he was 'with ex GF' that nite is interesting. She goes out of her way to not be 'with me'. It's not like we hang out or anything. We don't even watch TV together any more.
In one earlier note she talks about how it 'figures' that her luck is such that she would fall in love with a 'kept man'. She says she hopes that he really was intending on breaking up with (Now Ex) GF when she met him in Maui and that she was the catalyst. But she is angry that she has to be in love with a man who is 'unavailable' to her. But he "loves her".
Also saw that they are planning a meet in mid february, UGH! She sent him a link to flights so he could fly to California. Haven't seen any replies from him saying it has been scheduled though, no comments about being excited to come see her, no itinerary via e-mail or anything. But he could have said stuff like that via IM or phone so it's not an issue but he usually replies to her e-mails in some way. But then there is plenty of time between now and then so there is no urgency for him to set it up. I saw in her scheduler she blocked out a WEEK in february for him.
She complained that her vibrator isn't doing it for her any more and she needs him. Also needs to take pictures of him because she only has one from Maui to look at. How sad for her that she has to suffer so. At least if she was 'suffering' with me she could get laid.
My counselor has predicted that she would see him at least one more time. One thing that is interesting is that the evidence still shows that SHE seems to be the one doing the most work in keeping this affair alive and has the strongest 'feelings'. Sure, he responds with the ILYs and stuff but she is the one who drives it, who is arranging the trip, who says the most 'ILYs' in e-mail. Of course these are my interpretations as a man, I don't know what other women expect or get from their men in their affairs. Any comments?
She said in an e-mail that she is saving $$$ so she can see him by not calling him as often. But I pay for the cell phone and we have lots of minutes plus free nights and weekends. I told her she was using up some of our rollover minutes BUT WHY WOULD SHE SAY THIS TO HIM ANYWAY? Is he not calling her? Is she worried that if she doesn't call him more he will feel like she isn't interested? It's an odd thing to say or do. I mean even 10 minute calls once a day are no problem.
She has a sprig of mistletoe taped to her computer monitor, to 'honor' him and says she put a special heart ornament on the tree for him. I found it and it is just a gold heart on the backside of the tree. How insulting to corrupt the family tree with her affair like that. At first I was offended reading that, but now I am so so sad for her that she thinks this is OK to do. Where is her sense of respect for the family's integrity and sacred spaces? Who is this woman?
Given all this evidence of her 'undying love' for him, I STILL don't see why she tossed the rose. It is the only physical item she has that he has given her.
One good thing, she hasn't written anything negative about me in a while other that to reaffirm that leaving me was the right thing to do. I guess my DB'ing has helped there.
So, where am I at? Well, it hurt of course to see she is still obsessed with OM. I guess the positives of seeing the counselor, of getting an unsolicited hug and the fun interactions gave me hope that things were going bad in the affair and she was opening up to me.
But it has only been 8 weeks since she came back from Maui, 2 weeks since she had her weekend with OM. Really not enough time for anything to change. And, even though it hurts, I also can see it is a little easier for me to recover this time. I am getting better at it.
Counselor predicted she would try to see him soon, and that it would be 3 months before she started to lose the excitment of the affair. She called it going 'retrograde', backwards to feelings she once had and re-living them. Then she will reach a bottom and start to move forward to the present reality of her family and her life. No guarantee that it will really happen though. It all depends on her.
I was hopeful it would take less time based on the recent events with her, but she has withdrawn again. The more I think about it though, I feel that it will be longer because she want's this so bad she will hold on as long as he feeds here the ILY's in return. And she keeps convincing herself that her life is better without me.
And if she does see him for a week in february it will put me more into the 'she is a whore' mentality and I will want her less. I just don't take infidelity very well, even though we are GETTING A DIVORCE so it shouldn't matter, right? But it just tears me up to know she thinks about him sexually and is depressed because she can't be with him, but could care less about me. Nothing I did in the past is as wrong as what she is doing now. I NEVER even thought about having an affair, and in fact I avoided talking to women alone because I thought it was inappropriate.
So, the wind is out of my sails again. I was hopeful for a few days that she was questioning our relationship but it's unrealistic right now to think anything is really different. This is all a process and it will take some time to play out one way or another.
One thing my counselor said and I see on the boards is the faster I change and stay detached and loving, the more time I can cut out of this process. It really does seem like this affair is doomed eventually because HE isn't willing to move or do anything decisive to make it into something more, and SHE is not willing to leave her kids either. At least so far.
By me changing faster the process moves faster - either she comes towards me faster or I move away from her faster and go on with life without her. Today the 'without her' seems more appealing.
I hope she suffers a lot with this situation with OM. Not being able to have what she thinks she wants, what she thinks she deserves. Not being able to be with him when she wants. Oh boo hoo hoo she is such a victim here, being 'in love' with someone she can't be with. She got this situation by LEAVING our marriage like a coward rather than FIGHT for it, fight for ME, fight for our family. That's what we all get when we make the easy choices in life instead of the hard ones.
So I guess I will go for a walk this morning, think about how much I don't like her being like this and go back to my detachment from her. I'll let her approach me again rather than be so outgoing and nice like I was. And when she is nice again, I will remind myself that it's not significant as long as OM is in the picture.
She is an adultress with no remorse or apparent guilt. Maybe when she becomes a real person again I can like her, right now I don't even want to love her. At least I'm back to reality again instead of in MY cloud.
I'm a good father, a good friend, and an honorable man with integrity, caring, strength, wisdom, inner love, light and strength. I lost that for a long time because I was afraid to be that person but now I am no longer lost.
She left a man that she didn't help or give positive energy to when I was no longer able to give it to her. I'm so sorry I didn't see that and stayed weak for as long as I did, but what I DID see was that she was getting her identity and self esteem from me and I didn't like that about her. She doesn't see that she is also doing the same thing with OM who is just as much a problem child as she is.
Please say a prayer for us that OM stays selfish and indecisive and she sees that in him sooner rather than later. And that we at least have a good christmas, for the kids sake.
