Well, I was hesitating on whether to post this today because it may mean nothing or it may mean something. So, here goes.
W was kind of 'cold' to me this morning. I assumed because of previous nites exchange where I came home and she was in the family room talking on phone to OM. When I figured that out I told her to 'take that into your room please, I don't want your affair taking place in the common areas of the house.'
I know she doesn't like when I talk to her that way but I was pissed. I later told her that I just felt it was rude and she agreed. After all, we are 'getting divorced' and she is having an affair and I am living in the house.
So.... I asked her what was wrong this morning, she said 'nothing'. I waited a moment then she said 'WHY, do we have to go for another walk so we can 'talk'?? I said 'nope, I just thought there was something wrong' and I left the room.
Later... 5:30 PM we went to a joint session with our counselor - first one since bomb - to talk about our two daughters and their issues. Both had been to see her last week and she was going to tell us what we should be doing to help them through all this.
C tells us some of their concerns, and other things I won't include here since they are not relevant right now. There were some tears from W and I about our D10's sadness and fears.
Then ... C says: let's talk a little bit about you two, and how you are coping with the situation. I know you have issues you want to resolve so you can be friendly and good co-parents. So she asks us each to think of something that we need resolved that may have happened 14 years ago, which is right about the time our first daughter was born.
W tells how she felt abandoned emotionally by me. We were in dire financial straits and I had to work 16 hour days to recover from it. Also, our first child was a surprise who had come along at a time in our life where I wasn't ready to give up the fun times we were having together. So of course I had similar issues - she abandoned me emotionally and focused on being 'super mom'.
C gets us to realize that we were being forced to go from the 'in love' phase to the 'real love and responsibility' phase of life and weren't prepared. As time went on we did not reconnect properly.
C made the point that regardless, we truly did love each other then and were coping with adversity and change as best we could. It just wasn't love that WE EACH thought it SHOULD be. After enough 'dissapointment' each of us felt unwanted by the other.
C asked about the more recent issues, about how W is dealing with the 'extramarital activity' and how will she respond to the kids if they find out and other stuff.
Then she asks 'what can your husband do now to make it easier for you two to live in the same house during this process?. W brings up last nites incident and says 'well, I know I was wrong and he was right but he acted like my High School Principal when he scolded me'. She also said 'he did the same thing when I came back from my trip to connecticut (to see OM). Asking me questions about my trip and I felt the same way'.
C says 'well what would you rather he did?' W says "I needed a couple days to process what had happened on the trip because I was feeling so guilty" (guilty? she seemed like she was in a cloud then, she was 'in love').
So I said I'll remember to be more gentle and restrained when I set boundaries or talk about issues.
C asks W some other questions, culminating in W stating 'I just gave up on him, he would never change'.
C then says in a very quiet voice "Honey, HAVE you given up on Frank?". Silent pause. W says with tears "I just want something different in my life".
C says "Do you mean you want your life to be different or you want your self to be different?" W says "my self".
I said nothing through all this and didn't look at W because I know I intimidate her. But I was so shocked, bewildered whatever. I though for sure I would hear 'Yes, I gave up a long time ago but couldn't leave' because that is what she has been telling me over and over.
C turned to me and asked what I would like to see different. I said I would like it if she was consistent in her attitude towards me. Basically either don't like me or do like me. Hug me if you want to, be nice to me, smile, just be consistent. I added "don't worry, I have NO illusions about what you mean when you act that way, giving me a hug. I know it is you just being friendly". She said would do this.
Whew. Quite a segway from talking about the kids to touching on a core issue in our life - how we really didn't know how to love each other without the 'in love' feeling. And her inability to tell C, who she knows she can't lie to, that she has given up on me.
Well, we left, went home, life as usual. She distanced herself. However, D10 decided to be extra needy that nite and finally W came to me asking what WE should do. I told her how I have been making sure to spend 15 minutes or so with D10 at least every other day or whenever she comes into my room needing me. During that time I hold her, but I ALSO talk to her about WHY she is sad, what is she afraid of? I say 'Are you afraid Mom or Dad will leave you?' or other things like that. I 'give her permission' to talk about her divorce fears. W doesn't do that, she holds her and cuddles but never brings up D unless the kids do, which they don't do. She was grateful for the advice.
I'll tell you I sure felt good then because I felt we were communicationg about our kids like real adults and working together, rather than her whining and me fixing.
This morning was 'the usual' until we got on some topic and I disagreed with her (in a friendly way) and she punched me in the arm (over the years this has been a fun/flirty way she has expressed frustration with me). I reply 'oh, there's the violence again!' and she chases me playfully slapping me on the head saying 'here's some more!'.
Later, she comes to talk to me and is back to 'solemn' or 'respectful' mode.
Here is another weird thing I noticed the past couple days that I have NO idea what it means to her.
She has this 18 x 24 inch cloth that has a picture of two 'mermaid' people in a passionate embrace. For those who don't remember, her 'OM' is her spiritual 'soulmate' from another life, in which they were whales. This picture has been hanging in her closet for a couple weeks now and I am sure it has some symbolic meaning to her.
She also had this pretty plastic rose with a little bear on it that OM gave her when she went to see him 2 weeks ago. It had been sitting on her shelf where all of her spiritual 'knick knacks' are. Perhaps a 'symbol of their love...'.
A day or so ago I walked by her room and saw the cloth picture spread out on the foot of her bed, very neatly. I wondered why that was, figured it was so she could look at it and dream about sex with OM. It was odd.
This morning I needed to get something from the closet in her room and I happened to notice that the picture wasn't on the wall any more. It wasn't on the bed either like it had been the day before. Of course I was very curious and kind of looked around wondering where it was. It wasn't anywhere to be found. How odd. GUESS FOLLOWS: I did notice that this morning she had some packages she had to take to the post office, so maybe she sent it to OM for xmas. Maybe.
While I was looking around for the picture I also noticed that the 'rose' was gone from the 'spiritual stuff' shelf. Even odder. I didn't see it on her desk or anywhere else I had looked for the picture. Then I looked in the trash basket by her desk. There it was. In the trash.
