W decided we should get the family xmas tree tonite and decorate. D10 got terrified to stand on a chair to put the angel on top. She also wouldn't get on my shoulders. Finally had to get a tall ladder for her. D15 got all pissed at D10 for acting that way and I took her aside and told her to give her a break because the emotions of our sitch are taking their toll on her. She got mad and said 'why do I have to, she's old enough to get it together' and stomped to her room and said she didn't want to decorate tree.
Wife didn't show any emotion or act as if it phased her in the least. Asked me if I needed her to talk to D15, I said 'no, this is between her and me'. D15 came back down and pasted on a happy attitude and rejoined the decorating.
All of our ornaments either were made by our kids or were gifts over the years. So every single one has some sentimental value. After about 1/2 hour I just couldn't take the hurt, looking at all the things that represented the family, and went upstairs to my bathroom to cry. I came back down after about 10 minutes and W asked 'if I was ok'. I said 'I am fine'. She still isn't fazed at all. After all the decorating is done she came to sit on the couch after putting a pillow between her and I. D10 had a sprig of mistletoe and held it over us saying 'you have to kiss!'. W said 'no we don't have to' and D15 said 'They aren't together any more so they don't kiss!'. D10 got quiet and walked away.
I guess I am amazed at how W can be happy and put all the stuff on the tree witout any sadness about the end of our xmases. I said to her "I'm amazed at how you can remember each ornament and what it means to our family, how we got it or who made it" and she just calmly said, 'yeah, there are a lot of memories there'.
So, today she 'let me go, set me free from her life', went through the motions of xmas tree decorating and basically is going on as if nothing is wrong, but is 'concerned' about the rest of us taking this well.
I can't DB this, it hurts too much to put on a smile. She just really doesn't want to be here or ever even try to fix the family. She's 'in love' and likes it. She doesn't ever want to try to be married again.
